Just Going To Pretend...

...that my dinner tonight just didn't happen.

I was doing so good, I avoided ALL the treats and temptations at work, came home...

...

Tomorrow is a new day. I know I can't keep doing it all the time, but dwelling on it doesn't make it better either. At least my stomach feels god-awful enough that I won't be doing that again for a long time.

DH is gonna kill me. And it's my own damn fault that the scale hasn't moved in a few days, but on the other hand, I've still been eating so little, even with my slip-ups, that I'm not sure why it hasn't went down any further. I wish I knew exactly how many calories I was eating the first few days after my fill so I knew what it takes to lose.

Yesterday = Fail

Yesterday was a roller coaster of good and bad. I had the last piece of breakfast pizza for breakfast. Then I was doing good at work - I drank about 32 oz of Crystal Light by the middle of the day, I actually got all my liquids in yesterday for the first time in a week.

When I first came in the office, there was a cookie on my desk with the company logo printed on the frosting--Christmas present. At first I put it in my drawer and didn't know what to do with it. By noon, I ate it. I don't know why, I wasn't really hungry. I need to get over the 'if it's there, I'll eat it' mentality.

I wasn't hungry again until around 2 (I usually eat at 1), so I ate a tiny little chicken cutlet that I took home with me from Christmas. I brought a half cup of hamburger soup with me as well, but the chicken filled me up and I didn't touch it. I was hungry by 4 or 4:30ish. I had a pudding cup with me, and still had the soup, but I decided to just wait until I got home to eat dinner instead of snacking. Good for me. I even avoided the 4 boxes of chocolates and box of butter cookies that my coworker brought in.

I got home around 6 and I was starving by then. While DH was getting dinner ready, I snacked on corn chips. Sigh. I could have waited, but the corn chips were there and I love corn chips, so I ate them.

Dinner was leftover turkey (that we also took home from Christmas) mixed with stuffing. I ate my little bowl of the mixture, maybe 1 cup or little less. About 10 minutes later, I noticed I wasn't full. Now, I've already realized this is a problem - I need to learn the difference between "not full" and "hungry" because I might not be stuffed, but that doesn't mean I should keep eating until I am. So I realized that the stuffing mixture was so moist that it probably went right through the band. I realized it, and told DH what was happening too. Of course, he felt bad because he's trying really hard to make food for me that works with the band, so he thought he did something wrong, when really, I thought the turkey would have still filled the pouch and at least slowed down the stuffing, so it wasn't his fault that it didn't work that way either. So when I took my bowl back out to the kitchen, I took a few hearty forkfuls from the pan and ate it. I went back to the pan 2 more time during the next hour or two before I finally put the leftovers in the fridge. I can't even guess how much I ended up eating that way. And it all just went right through, during all of that I never got a full feeling.

I was tempted to have some pudding or ice cream all last night after dinner but I didn't, so at least I ended the day on a kinda good note.

It just made me feel like this is what I'm destined to do, make good choices some of the time and just completely sabotage my efforts the rest of the time. I'm trying much harder today, and I'm determined. I joined the Valentine's Day Challenge on LBT and my goal is to get down to 375 by Valentine's, which is another 18 pounds for me to lose by then. That's about 3 pounds a week, and I think it's manageable if I just stick to it.

So far today I had half of a Jimmy Dean light sandwich - 260 calories whole, so half is about 130 calories. There are so many sweets and snacks around me at work but I have the willpower. I brought chicken again for lunch, still have the half cup of soup if I need it, and still have a pudding cup.

I CAN DO THIS!

HOW COULD I FORGET?!

I totally forgot to post yesterday after I weighed myself! And it's great news!

Since Monday, I had lost 7 pounds as of yesterday. 7 pounds in 3 days! It's about time! Not only that, but I'm 1 pound away from 50 lost, AND I finally met my first goal, which was to get under 400 lbs! I'm now 395 lbs. I believe getting to the 300s is called "Threedom!" I'm so happy and I can't believe I forgot to post about it! Losing that much just makes me want to keep going, which is the sort of thinking I need, actually losing the weight never really motivated me to keep going during my journey, so I'm glad it's kicking in now.

Christmas Under Control!

I'm very very proud of myself for how I handled all the Christmas festivities today.

Breakfast: DH and I started a tradition 3 years ago where we make cook breakfast together, always breakfast pizza and some sort of potato. And we only have breakfast pizza ONCE a year, so we really savor it. This year DH made homemade hashbrowns with it. I had one piece of pizza and a few bites of hashbrowns with cheese.

Christmas Lunch with Friend Family A: Half of a small piece of pork, one very small, thin chicken cutlet, about 4 or 5 "noodles" of rigatoni and cheese, 1 piece of broccoli, 5 or 6 potato "cubes". And that was only HALF of what I took on my plate, so I'm very very happy with myself. I put the rest on DH's plate so I wouldn't be tempted to finish it. Thankfully friend's mother is very supportive of my band and was completely understanding, so I didn't feel like I was offending her cooking by not eating much. I also had a tiny slice of cheesecake about an hour later.

Christmas Dinner with Friend Family B: A few small pieces of turkey, a little bit of mashed sweet potatoes (maybe 1/4 cup). 1 small boxed chocolate for desert.

The only problem is that I drank so very little all day. I really need to force myself to drink, I think since I'm not hungry I don't get as thirsty, either. And since I'm not as thirsty, I don't stare at the clock so much after eating, waiting for my hour to be up to drink. I just kinda forget about it. It was also a problem though because Family B didn't really have anything for me to drink, and tap water wasn't offered (I don't like plain water, but I was so thirsty that I would have drank it at that point).

Overall, I think it was a successful day and shouldn't impede my weight loss at all!

Keep On Truckin'

Yesterday wasn't bad, just a little tiny bit of heartburn last night but that was it, I was fine the rest of the day. I could tell that I'm getting a little weak from not getting enough protein, so I requested hamburger soup for dinner from DH, since I was drinking so slowly that I still couldn't have finished a whole shake if I tried. My schedule was a little screwed up so here is what I ate:

Breakfast 9AM - a few sips of protein shake (not even 1/4 cup if I had to guess)
Lunch 12PM - 2 or 3 small bites of chicken salad and 1/2 cup of carrot soup (and I was FULL!)
Snack - 1 SF Dulce de Leche pudding cup
Dinner 9PM or so - 3 or 4 bites of chicken salad about a half hour before dinner since I was starving by then; then hamburger soup (ground hamburger and lots of veggies), I didn't measure it but it was less than a cup. I figured it was a good transition into mushies.

Today I started full mushies and I'm a little nervous. I made 2 eggs (Egg Beaters) with a tiny bit of ham and cheese. It looked like a lot of food, maybe 1 cup when cooked (2 eggs of Egg Beaters is 1/2 cup so I didn't expect it to expand so much). I ate all of it with basically no problems, and that makes me scared because of how little soup I could eat just yesterday. I'm also having fewer problems with liquids, even just yesterday I had to take small sips and wait between each sip. Now I find myself taking larger drinks and it's fine. I REALLY want this restriction, I'll be devastated if it doesn't last. Of course I'll still watch my portions, but I really got my hopes up this time with how nice my liquid phase was. And this was the first time that I wasn't rushing rushing to get to mushies, sure, I wanted to eat everything I couldn't have, but I wasn't starving for food, I was doing just fine on liquids.

I think I'm going to weigh myself before I take a shower in a bit here, even though I have food and water in my stomach, I should have lost -something- considering how few calories I took in the last 3 days.

Tomorrow should be interesting, I have two Christmas dinners I'm going to. Thankfully the food isn't great at either family's house (I know it sounds bad, but that means I won't be tempted to go overboard). I'm also making 1 dozen cookies right now because 1) my husband wanted to bake for Christmas, and 2) these are caramel-filled chocolate chip pre-formed cookies that we found in the store, the LAST package, so we wanted to try them. And I'll have a cookie when they're ready, but I have no plans to sit down and eat half of them today like I would have in the past.

Ow...Heartburn...

I'm doing pretty well food-wise since my fill yesterday, but I've had heartburn all day today since I woke up. It goes away when I'm eating. I'm a little concerned, because it either means that I'm too tight, or it can indicate band slippage. I'm torn, because on one hand, I WANT this restriction. On the other hand, I can't handle it if this heartburn continues, it was okay for the first few hours, but this is over 12 hours now and it's really getting to me. I tried calling Karen (my NP) today, as she asked me to call and check in today, but she didn't get back to me. I really don't want to get an unfill because of all the fuss I've went through to get to this point, and I'm terrified of getting an unfill and being even less restricted than before.

What I ate yesterday:
1 bowl of Lucky Charms before my fill
1 Sugar Free Dulce de Leche pudding cup
Total 1.5 cups of cream of carrot soup spread out over 2-3 hours; 1/2 cup at a time

Today:
About 1/2 cup of a protein shake attempt (chocolate protein powder, yogurt, 1/2 banana, and a little peanut butter) - wasn't too good, actually
2 bites of chicken salad VERY well chewed; I bought some today and really wanted to try it and was careful about it
1/2 cup carrot soup for lunch
3 more bites of chicken salad
I didn't measure my dinner carrot soup, but it wasn't more than 1 cup, maybe less
1 SF Dulce de Leche pudding cup

Still pretty good overall, my only real hunger is head hunger, it always drives me nuts just knowing I CAN'T have something.

I definitely didn't drink enough today, the heartburn is actually discouraging me from drinking I think.

I'll keep posting about this and let ya'll know what happens with the heartburn.

Not Very Filling Fill

I got my fill today and my husband was able to come with and got to watch them do it and see the flouro monitor and everything, I think it was very helpful for him to understand what they actually do.

I had 10cc last time, there was only 9 left in when she pulled it all out. So she put me up to 10.5, originally she went up to 11 but thought it was too tight so took a little out. I'm a little nervous because it might not be enough - she said my band was already tight before she started taking out/adding, but today was a strange day. I was off work, so I didn't wake up until after 10 AM and ate breakfast (just some cereal) around 11. My fill was around 1 PM. My concern is that I'm usually a little tight in the morning, but I usually wake up around 7:30-8, eat breakfast at 9, and then get my fill around 1 and I'm usually not tight anymore by 11 or 12. I'm afraid that my morning tightness affected my fill and that I'm really not as tight as she thinks I am. I guess I'll see how it goes, but she won't be very happy if I want another fill, since I'm at 10.5 out of 14 now and there's not much further we can go. She's still pushing me to go see a psychologist and dietitian, I just haven't had the time this week to find either one.

I'm really starting to get frustrated, my goal was to lose 150 lbs this year and I don't think I even lost 10.

Sabotage

–noun

1.	any underhand interference with production, work, etc., in a plant, factory, etc., as by enemy agents during wartime or by employees during a trade dispute.

2.	any undermining of a cause.

Example: Having a productive visit with my bariatric nurse practitioner about recent struggles, then going to McDonald's, getting a chocolate shake, mushroom swiss burger, fries, and cookies. But wait, there's more! Drink half the shake and eat one of the cookies, hunger is gone. Sooo...eat most of the fries. Get stuffed, and actually think you're doing good by leaving some of the fries. Oh look, the burger is still here. Can't let that go waste. Eat the whole thing. Oops, now I don't feel so good. Ah shit, I REALLY don't feel good. PB most of the burger back up.

WTF is wrong with me? Seriously. I didn't get out of my appointment until 3 PM and I hadn't had lunch, so I was starving. I knew I had food at home, so I convinced myself not to stop anywhere most of the way home...until I was about 2 miles from home. Oh right, McD's is having that promotion where you get a free glass when you order a meal. And yeah, I feel like having a shake for the first time in a LONG time.

I honestly don't know why I did it. I don't know why I continued to eat and eat after I wasn't hungry anymore, and much less when I was absolutely full and KNEW I would only hurt myself if I kept going. And the WORST part about all of this was that it was right after I promised myself to get back on the wagon and try harder. I think it was a last meal syndrome of sorts, but it's still just no excuse. Sigh.

Last night was my company's Christmas party and I ate like crazy. No wonder the scale today said 405 - no shock there whatsoever.

I scheduled my next fill for Monday, Dec. 21, which is great because I have the entire week off work so I don't have to worry about taking time off. If my husband has off work I might ask him to come with so he can see what they do.

A few things though: Apparently, they put a new policy in place that you have to see the nutritionist to continue getting fills. Thankfully, my NP said I can find a nutritionist that accepts my insurance, since that is one of the reasons I stopped seeing the one in their practice (among other reasons, she was completely useless). We also talked about me seeing a psychologist, and I agree, because there are some issues that I have to work through with food before I can ever hope to stick to a diet. We'll see how both of those go. I'm also going to try to get back into Walk Away The Pounds.

*taptap* Is this thing on?

I admit, I've been avoiding posting. I thought I had posted again after my fill though, but I know why I didn't.

My last fill was great. For about 3 weeks, I was eating very little, at LEAST half as much as what I usually eat. Maybe 1 cup of food? I was being very careful with my portions and especially my lunches, I only packed what I knew I could safely eat. And I was satisfied! I was doing great. About a week after my fill, I weighed myself. I usually lose anywhere from 5-9 pounds the week after a fill, so I was disappointed that I had only went from 404 to 402. I was so sure that I was finally going to break the 400 mark. But I figured, give it another week and I'm sure the weight loss will be reflected. Nope. Still at 402 the next week. And the next. Three weeks of awesome restriction and absolutely no weight loss. WTF. I knew how much I was eating, and I should have been losing.

It's been almost 6 weeks now and I'm getting really frustrated. My restriction has loosened again and I can eat more. Right now, I can eat like a freaking horse. I'm at the end of my birth control cycle though (3 months - Depo Provera shot) and I noticed that I'm hungry all the time and my eating tends to spin out of control when I get close to needing another shot. I'm getting it today, so hopefully things will pick back up in the next week or two.

I weighed myself this morning, but my scale has been pretty unreliable lately. If I move at all when I'm on the scale, the numbers jump around, and I can't find a perfectly level area of floor in my apartment to weigh myself on, so I have no idea how accurate it is. Anyway, this morning it kept bouncing between like 398 and 402 or so. COME ON. I've been waiting and waiting and waiting just to reach this first goal of getting under 400, and I can't get a concrete number. So I'm still saying I'm at 402, because I don't want to get my hopes up.

I know I haven't been eating the best choices either, and I'm wondering if it's time to suck it up and diet. I'm terrified of dieting because I crash badly when I can't keep up with it anymore. I'm thinking of doing just grilled chicken breasts and veggies for a few weeks and see what happens. I'm really starting to worry though that there is something wrong that's not allowing me to lose weight.

I'm finally in the mood to start walking outside again, but now it's already dark when I get off work. I think I'm going to get another Leslie Sansone Walk Away The Pounds DVD next week when my husband has a nice big discount at work. This is a special DVD that has 5 1-mile walks, intended to do one every day and they focus on different body areas every day. I think I need to put more effort into my weight loss, and if I start making myself get up earlier every morning, work out, then eat better during the day, I have to get a kick start on losing again. I shouldn't be plateaued after only 40 pounds out of 400.

I'll try to post more, and I know I say that every time, but I'm so tired of being a failure and it's hard to admit it. I still haven't even talked to my nurse practitioner yet after my fill because I was hoping for better news to give her. I think I'm going to make an appointment to see her, since I have to see her anyway before I can get another fill.

Fill...and Praying

So I had my fill yesterday. I was expecting my surgeon, but when they finally brought me back to the fluoro room (an hour late), the nurse practitioner was there, which was great because I love her. She talked to me about how things were going, answered all my questions, even went over a still shot of the fluoro screen with me. It's so nice to feel comfortable asking questions, my surgeon has been getting very dismissive lately when I try to talk to him during fill appointments.

Now I'm up to 10cc in my 14cc band and I'm hoping I finally feel some difference, because I don't have much room left to go. I did weigh myself this morning, which I hadn't gotten around to doing since they weighed me at the office a few weeks ago, when it said 411. I think between my heavy clothes, the big meals I had that day, and not having...went to the bathroom that day, it just blew that number up too much. The scale said about 404 this morning, and I really doubt I lost 7 pounds in 3 weeks, considering how I've been eating lately, so it must have been the other things to account for the difference. I REALLY WANT TO LOSE 5 POUNDS!! Come on, just let me get under 400!

Uhm, Hi

Yeah...disappeared again, so you know what that means. I haven't went walking at all since my last post. I really want to get back into it since it's cooled down outside and my lingering sinus infection is mostly gone now, but I just can't get up the motivation. Walking and exercising wasn't helping me lose weight and I have no idea why.

I have to do something about my eating habits. Why am I so unwilling to diet now that I have the LapBand? I hate dieting and I think part of my brain thought I wouldn't have to diet once I had surgery, I would just eat less of everything. So far that hasn't even happened yet. I've gotten pretty loose the last few weeks, I barely get stuck and I'm hungry all the time. I have a fill scheduled for Thurs. Oct 22, which makes it almost 3 months between fills again.

I knew I needed a fill right after my last one, but I just didn't want to have to argue about it. I wasn't feeling famished, I was still getting stuck here and there, so I thought I was okay without it until I knew I could ask for it without opposition. So what happened? Last week I went to pay my bill at the office and just happened to talk to the nurse practitioner and she got me scheduled for a fill. But...they weighed me while I was there. I hadn't touched a scale since my last post. I was wearing a heavy sweater, heavy pants, and ate quite a bit that day, but that doesn't FULLY explain why I was up to 411. Yes, I gained 9 pounds in those two months. I haven't weighed myself since then (naked, empty bladder and stomach) to get an accurate weight, but I think I'm scared to.

The only time I lose weight anymore is during the week after a fill, and I think that's only from the liquid diet. Why do I have the band if all I have to do is go on a liquid diet to lose weight, and that's the only thing that makes me lose weight? It's ridiculous. I haven't heard of anyone having so much trouble getting restriction over a year after their surgery. I'm still worried that maybe my band is just too big for my stomach or placed incorrectly or something and that I will never get proper restriction. The day where I can only eat 1 cup or less of food seems so hilarious to me because I feel like it could never happen. 8ccs in my band, 1 year and 4 months out of surgery, and I can still eat 2+ cups of food.

I have to stop avoiding posting when I'm not doing what I should be, maybe not losing weight is a better reason to post instead of only when the scale is moving or bitching about fills.

Too Hot!

I haven't posted lately, and hopefully you figured it out by now--nothing going on to report. I HAVE been trying to watch what I eat, but I haven't went walking at all since last Sunday. I would like to have some great reason why not, but during the week I just didn't feel like it, or it was just too damn hot. Even I can admit though that the heat has just been my excuse, if I just took some nice cold water with me, I would have been fine. Hot = 90-95 degrees, and humid. Today it's also supposed to get up to 93 or so, so I just didn't even bring my gym bag. Tomorrow I'm going to try to make it to my support groups, so no walking then either (of course, that entirely depends on if DH and his friend need a ride to their drama rehearsal thing, in which case, my plans don't matter).

I lost the couple pounds I had gained back, but I'm still stuck at 402. Those 3 pounds that would make me very very happy just don't want to come off! Even though when I go walking/running, I bust my ass and sweat like crazy, I honestly have never seen the scale move because of it, even if I went 4 times in a week. When I was actually going to the gym 4-5 days a week, I STILL didn't see any difference on the scale. I think that's why I have no motivation to keep working out. If I saw results, I would be more willing to continue.

I REALLY Want...

...a cookie. Horrible, overwhelming, must-have craving. I've gotten into a bad habit with eating something sweet after lunch and now it's really hard to ignore it. The only thing stopping me from getting one of the delicious, chewy, mouth-watering...ahem. The only thing stopping me from getting a cookie from the cafeteria is that I don't have any cash on me, and I would feel too weird paying with nickels and dimes (thank god they don't accept debit/credit cards).

The scale said I actually gained 2 pounds since I weighed myself the other day, which I don't understand how when I've been busting my booty on my run/walks. I hate hate hate that I lose nice amounts of weight right after a fill, then gain it back soon after. I'm tired of this cycle but I don't know how to break it. I'm eating less food than ever and I'm still not losing the weight like I should be. I'm determined to get under 400. Thus, no cookie.

Sigh.

Exhausted...

I decided to add just a bit more running to my usual routine. Once I do my full 30 seconds, I keep going until I get to the next landmark--usually trees that stand out, etc.--that I picked out yesterday. This adds anywhere from 5-15 seconds on my intervals. It doesn't seem like much, but I can feel the difference. I think it also breaks my body's awareness of the 30 seconds so it has to work just a bit harder to keep going. I was getting hungry during my walk yesterday, since I hadn't eaten anything since I woke up, so today I tried eating a few turkey sausages about half an hour beforehand. That didn't go over so well. I read somewhere that you shouldn't eat protein before exercising because it takes more energy to digest, which leaves less for your body to use for exercise. I'm not sure if that's the case or having anything in my stomach just didn't feel right. I also got tired much faster today, even though I drank the same amount of water, and I don't know if that was because of my exercise yesterday or because I ate those sausages.

I also have a weird little pain behind my right knee today, I have never felt that before, so I'm a little nervous about that.

I love...running?

I often get the feeling that once my body can handle it, I'm going to love running. I did my two mile walk today and I ran more than I ever have so far. I did my usual 1/4 mile intervals, but the last one, I just kept running for as long as I could until my body just had to stop. I didn't count it, but it was well over a minute. I also did an extra run at the very end, and this was longer than 30 seconds as well, I made myself keep going until I got to the gate by the parking lot. That was probably a minute or more as well. I was panting and the world was rocking a little bit, but I did it and felt good. I wasn't even feeling any exhaustion during my walk/run until I already did 1.5 miles. Sometimes though I want to run before I even get to my next marker, I think my body is itching to be more active. It's a good feeling :)

It's strange for me to read about people who are 300-400+ pounds that can't even walk around their house without getting tired. I don't know if it's because I'm young or if I was just always more active than most obese people (I was even in dance classes at 300 pounds and I was pretty good!), but sometimes I think about how much I can do with my body and it's crazy. I don't know any other 400-pound people that can walk 2 miles, much less two miles without resting, and even less people who can do any sort of jogging at all. Sometimes I also think it is a bad thing though, because that means my body is used to being somewhat active, and it takes much more exercise to make a difference.

I wish I had someone to talk science with, because I have a feeling that my base metabolism--how many calories I burn from doing daily activities--is much lower than most people my weight. Most websites say that my body, by weight, burns anywhere from 3200-4000 calories in a day without any activity at all, just performing basic body functions. This also means that if I eat less than that, I should lose weight. I can tell you right now that I haven't eaten that many calories probably since I got my band, and the weight isn't coming off. I think my body uses less calories to do these basic things, so that I have to eat even less to be able to lose any weight. As I said though, I wish I had someone who really understood this subject to talk to about it.

I am going to try to get another walk in tomorrow though!

No More Bread? :(

I find myself double-posting between here and LBT or here and Facebook, but I like having this record for myself and hopefully I have more readers than my 1 faithful commenter :) that don't see the other posts.

This restriction thing is killing me. I'm in a bit of denial that I just can't eat certain foods anymore--just a few minutes ago, actually, I discovered that bread seems to be the common denominator. I ate half of a panini last night and sat there for about 10 minutes to keep from it coming right back up (I was in Barnes & Noble and didn't want to cough it up in a public bathroom). I even told DH last night that I didn't think I could get that specific sandwich again because of the bread. So what did I do today? I nuked it and thought that the bread being softer would make it better. Nope--two or three bites in and I was in the bathroom. DH woke up from hearing me and took the rest of the sandwich away, since he knew I would have tried again.

Some possible good news is that I might have found a snack food that fills me up (my biggest conundrum for the past few months). I'm not 100% sure yet, but preliminary tests indicate that pretzels may just do the trick. They never filled me up before, but since my last fill, they really top me off. We'll see though!

Almost There...

Just 3 more pounds and I'll be under 400...I weighed in last night at 402. I was going to weigh myself this morning again (usually weigh less in the morning) and I slept in too late and ran out of time. Maybe tomorrow morning. Anyways, as of right now I've lost 6 pounds in the week since my fill, which is great, considering my recent obsession with cookies.

I didn't get to go for my walk last night due to having to stay late at work, and I didn't get to tonight because I didn't get a chance to shave my legs this morning...and all I had packed in my bag were shorts. This wouldn't have bothered me if I was going straight home after walking, but I had to go to Barnes and Noble to wait for DH to get off work, and I felt too embarrassed to go in there with my legs so unladylike.

Now that my cookies are gone, hopefully I'll drop a few more pounds before my post-fill weight loss slows down again...

Nope, Doesn't Fix The Head

The slogan in my bariatric office is something like "We can fix your body, but we can't fix your head." So very true.

Whether this is my usual post-fill restriction or if I'm finally on my way to STAYING restricted, I don't know yet, but the fact is that it's there right now. And it's hard for me to deal with mentally. I love food, it's that simple. There is very little psychological background to my obesity, just the fact that I love love love food. I could spend my entire day thinking about food and planning what I want for meals or what I would order if we went to this restaurant or that, etc. Somedays I actually regret the lapband and hate restriction because it means I can't eat all that I want to. I know I need to refocus my brain to stop thinking about food all the time and find healthier things to preoccupy me. I recently started a new hobby and that's been helping, but right now my battle with restriction is still in the forefront of my mind.

I posted this on LBT this morning in my "surgery month" forum where we just talk about day-to-day things with our bands and new lives, and it seemed appropriate for my blog as well:

I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow morning for the first time after my fill last week. I'm hoping I can finally break the 400 pound barrier! I'm still struggling a little bit with learning the difference between feeling full or if something just isn't going down smoothly. I'm afraid I'm mistaking the feelings for the latter and then just forcing food down my band or stretching my pouch.

Why am I so afraid of being hungry? I seem to eat more than I have to because I'm afraid of getting hungry too soon later on. It's the same reason I still over-order at restaurants and such, I'm always afraid it won't be enough, because that's how it's felt my entire life.

I am slowly learning though. This morning I ordered a breakfast sandwich from the cafeteria in my building and I kept staring at the "home fries" in the warmer. It's so hard to convince myself that I don't need more than the sandwich--in fact, I ate half of the sandwich and put the rest in the fridge (even though I wanted to finish it), and now I have breakfast for tomorrow. I think I could have actually stopped after a few bites, but it's the same thing as what I just said; I don't know if it was because a bite didn't go down well, or because I'm full enough. So frustrating.

I'm also going to try to make it out for a walk after work, but it's supposed to storm. The forecast for pretty much the next week is rain, and I'm tired of it! We've had more rainy days this summer than sunny ones, which is unusual for this area.

Also, last night, I had some leftover pasta and usually I can eat the whole tupperware container, which I believe is 2 cups? After maybe 1/2 of a cup, I felt like I was full. But, stupid me, I didn't think that was enough food, so I kept going. I still stopped and had some left in the container once I felt absolutely and truly full, but I think it was way beyond full at that point.

My goal is that someday I really will believe the saying "Eat to live, don't live to eat."

Feels Good To Get Back Into It

Last night I did get out for my walk. At first I was only going to walk 1 mile so that I didn't overdo it (unsure of how out of shape I would have been after 3 or 4 weeks of not walking). Then I thought maybe 1.5 miles...but by the time I passed the 1/2 mile mark, I just kept going. I walked 2 miles the very first day I decided to start walking, so why shouldn't I be able to do it again, no matter how long of a break I had? After I turned around at the 1 mile mark, I jogged for 30 seconds 5 times, so I got in 5 out of my regular 7 intervals. Definitely not bad for such a long time since I was walking/jogging regularly. I think I can probably start my regular routine again Wednesday. My right upper thigh/hip area is a little sore today, but hopefully I'll be good enough to go back out tomorrow.

It was humid, hot, and I was getting steadily grosser with sweat and the bugs are out in full this time of year, but I felt so good getting out and doing it.

Post #100

Apparently this is post #100 in my blog. I just happened to see "99 posts" when I was going to add a new entry. So happy 100, I guess!

So far so good with my fill, it was hard to say much about it on liquids and mushies, since those phases aren't a good indication of how my fill level is actually working, unless I can't get liquids down (which I haven't had a problem with yet, ever).

I did liquids Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, then mushies on Saturday and part of yesterday. I had a Lean Pocket last night, and I just took my time, chewed well, and had no problems. I only had one (usually eat two), and I didn't feel completely satisfied, which makes me start to worry already, but I'm hoping it's just because I didn't eat much yesterday and was hungrier than I thought by the time I ate it. I don't know. A few cheese/pretzel sandwich thingies later and I was full.

I'm started to get really frustrated. It's been over a year now and I still don't have the kind of restriction I really need to lose weight. I'm starting to wonder if having the 14cc band is going to be a problem--I need to do some research on this, but what if the bigger band is just too big and I can never get good restriction because of it? What would have happened if I had a 10cc? What if, as I actually lose a lot of weight, my band can't be tightened anymore and is forever too big? Would I have to have revision surgery for a smaller band? I guess now that it's pretty sure that I have the 14cc band, I'm really doubting the wisdom of my surgeon and hoping it's not going to be a problem in the future. Like I said though, I need to do some research on LBT and see if my concerns are legitimate or if they're completely unfounded.

I went back to buying the frozen diet entrees (Smart Ones this week). Yes, they have about 500-600 mg of sodium, but there are MUCH MUCH worse things I could be eating, and I have a feeling most of the things I could cook myself (without going out of my way with grocery shopping and research) would have more sodium than that. I can't beat them for less than 400 calories, about $2-2.50 a piece, pre-portioned, and no prep time.

I plan to go walking tonight after work, after a few weeks' hiatus. It's supposed to be nice weather all this week except Wednesday, and DH works until 8 or 9 PM most nights this week, so I really have no excuse. I won't be able to go tomorrow because of support group, but if I go at least 3 times between today and Sunday, I'll be happy. Just gotta get back into it.

Fill

I had another fill today. It was nice that my appointment was right on time, and my surgeon was sitting in the room waiting for me. First of all, it turns out that at my last fill, when he only pulled 1cc out of my band, he apparently didn't get it all...this time, there was supposed to be 5cc and he pulled 6 out. Interesting. I'm up to 8cc now, and when I told him that his assistant said it was most likely a 14cc band, he said "Yeah, you have the big one" - this is after he's told me it was "either 10 or 12" then "think it's 10" so his word doesn't really mean much on this issue anymore. He told me to do 5 days of liquids since I look very tight now on the flouro, but this is a little nuts. My last fill was much bigger and I only had to do 3 days. I will do 3 days and try something soft and see how it goes. Right now I'm enjoying DH's homemade cream of chicken soup :) That's one of the things I like about getting fills, because he always tries a new soup recipe for me that day.

I haven't posted much lately because there hasn't been much going on. I haven't went walking again for awhile now because of the weather and just feeling lethargic since we got back from Baltimore. If it stops storming every day I'll try to get out again this week.

Good Trip!

My trip to Baltimore went pretty damn good food-wise. We ended up not ordering pizza at all, so I had a lot more flexibility with my food options. I even lost 3.5 pounds! I was very very proud of myself for stopping every time I felt too full, even though I knew some of it would be thrown out eventually (I hate wasting food). I did have some soda, but still not much, and only a fraction of what I would have drank pre-band. Here is what I ate while I was gone:

Thursday:
Breakfast - 2 pieces of buttered toast (before we left)
Lunch - 2 pieces of battered fish, 2 hush puppies, and a few onion rings
Dinner - half of a Subway footlong

Friday:
Breakfast - 2 mini muffins, 3 mini donuts, and 1 mini pastry (sounds like a lot, but really wasn't with how small they were)
Lunch - turkey wrap
Dinner - 6 small Asian dumplings and 2 chicken tostadas (there was another tostada that I didn't finish)

Saturday:
Same breakfast as Friday
Lunch - 9-inch sub and small bag of Sun Chips
Dinner - leftover half of my Subway sandwich from Thursday, small piece of leftover pizza someone else had, some tortilla chips and spinach dip

Sunday:
No breakfast (continental breakfast was closed when we got up)
Lunch - 9-inch sub and 1 sugar cookie
Dinner - tortilla chips and spinach dip

So overall, not bad at all with continental breakfast, eating at restaurants, rest stops, food stands at the convention, etc. Plus we had to walk all over creation since Wednesday (we probably walked over 5 miles down in Manhattan on Wednesday, before we even went to Baltimore). My feet and legs are still recovering, but I feel good about all the exercise I got, and so does the scale :)

Next Fill!

Wednesday, July 29. Woot!

Also, I probably won't be posting much (or at all) until next Sunday or Monday--when I divulge just how badly I've eaten in Baltimore.

Doctor Visit

We had a REALLY bad storm Tuesday and our internet was flaky most of the week, so I couldn't stay connected long enough to write a long post. I went to my appointment Tuesday. My surgeon was called away for an emergency, and usually they would have canceled my appt. but they just hired a new nurse practitioner to help out. Eventually she will be doing fills as well, so that it won't be such a long wait to get a fill appointment. She's very nice and she didn't mind talking to me for awhile about what I've been going through.

She was also the first one in that office to tell me that the band just might not be working for me. I've thought about that several times, but I can't give up on my band. She actually did some research for me and she's pretty sure that my band is 14cc, which sucks because it might take awhile yet before I hit my sweet spot. I have to give fills a chance though before saying that it just won't work for me. DH is also VERY against me having any revision surgery. I would do the sleeve if I had to do something else. He said that he only agreed to the band because it didn't seem as risky and nothing was really physically changed inside me, he thinks the other surgeries are too drastic.

She told me that I should stop eating the diet frozen dinners though (Lean Cuisine, Smart Ones, Healthy Choice) because they are too high in sugar and sodium. The only problem with that though is that I don't know what I can take to work instead that is under 400 calories, and I like that my portions are controlled with them. I don't know what to do about that. She did get a fill scheduled for me though, I have to call Monday to find out when it is. I'm in a strange position right now; I still get stuck on food, but I can still eat quite a bit. Sucks.

I haven't went walking since last Sunday because of support group, work, and just didn't feel like it because of work. It's been a very stressful week at work for me, but good at the same time since my boss was only in the office for about 4 hours the entire week. I skipped my walk this morning because I had lots of stuff to do; my niece is coming up to stay with us for awhile, then going to a convention with us. I haven't had a houseguest other than DH's friends that are here every week, so I haven't had a reason to do a thorough house cleaning until now. But, even though I skipped my walk, I was sweating like crazy while cleaning the floors!

It's going to be bad food galore this week: Wednesday - barbeque, then Thursday - Sunday is nothing but take out and restaurants. I've been trying to figure out non-perishable healthier snacks I could take with me, but I couldn't think of anything that actually fills me up. I WILL be drinking Crystal Light the whole time though.

Back On Track

I walked 2 miles today with DH. No weights yet. I jogged for maybe a minute at the very end of our walk, and DH started freaking out, he's so afraid I'll get hurt again. I was okay, no pain. My legs are feeling less wobbly and weak. I think if I keep it up every day, I'll be back to my regular routine in the next few days. My legs felt pretty tired and weak a few hours AFTER the walk, but that doesn't bother me so much, since my body is readjusting to exercise.

We went to The Cheesecake Factory tonight, which negated any walking I did yesterday and today, but it was SO good. I had a "small" appetizer of stuffed mushrooms and I ate about half of my Chicken Madeira and mashed potatoes. Everything was a little mushy so I ate more than I could have otherwise, but I'm not too torn up about it.

Getting Back Into It

How did I get so out of shape in 2 weeks? It's crazy, the first time I ever went walking months ago, I was able to do 2 miles and all that hurt was my feet. Now, I walked 1 mile today and I felt so sluggish. No pain in my leg or ankle though, so that's a good thing. My hips ached a little bit...if it's not one thing, it's another! Geez. Now to get back on track and work back up to running/walking 2 miles again, and being able to walk 3.

One thing I'm grateful to my body for is that my sweet tooth is picky. A lot of things are TOO sweet for me and I can't eat/drink them after a few sips/bites. Prime example: Vanilla Bean Coolatta from Dunkin Donuts. I used to love this drink last summer, it tasted like a thinned out Bailey's ice cream shake from Haagen Daaz. They took it off the menu shortly after I discovered it last year. Today, DH wanted to get something from Dunkin Donuts and I just happened to check the menu. It wasn't on it, but I saw a poster that showed the Vanilla Bean flavor. I asked, and they did indeed have it. Now, I wasn't hungry, wasn't really thirsty, I had some Crystal Light in the car, but since I was so happy that they had it, I ordered a medium. I took one sip, it was good, then the second sip, I declared it too sweet and decided I didn't really want it. I KNEW it was an impulse buy. I drank maybe 1/4 of it before just giving it to DH to finish.

Went To The Doctor

I finally went to see a doctor today about my leg. I tried going to a clinic first, but a guy told me it was closed, so I went to the ER instead. After a nice hour and a half wait, they took some xrays and the doctor said there are no fractures and he thought it was probably shin splints. I've had shin splints before, they happen on the outsides of my ankles/lower legs, not where my pain is this time. Also, if I had to run/walk 3 miles in order to trigger it, why would just walking around the mall set it off again?

He told me to rest it a few more days, then I can get back to work. However, he gave me the name of an orthopedic doc and told me that if it still bothers me, to go see him and they can give me a bone scan, since xrays can't pick up microfractures. Uhm...why didn't you just give me the bone scan while I was there then? I went to the ER because I didn't want to have to go all over the place to get this figured out. If I went to my primary doctor, she would have sent me to the hospital for xrays anyway, then have to make another appointment with her to get the results. Sigh.

I think he was wrong, there is something else going on besides shin splints, but I pray that he's right.

Leg Issues

Because of the pain I've been experiencing in my left leg and ankle, I haven't been walking since Sunday. I need to get a medical opinion before I hurt myself even worse. Last night, I had some time to kill so I was walking around the mall a bit. I don't think I even walked a mile and my leg and ankle were hurting, very sharp pain in two particular spots. The more I research, the more I'm afraid I have two stress fractures. I'm going to see a doctor Friday, since I have off work. I'm so upset that because I pushed myself to exercise more and harder just that ONE day, I may possibly have to avoid my walks for a month or two. I'm really hoping it's not stress fractures, because I enjoy my walks and I want to get the most out of the nice weather (even though it's still raining most days of the week lately). Plus, we're going to a convention in a few weeks and I'll be walking all day long.

Which brings me to my next topic: goals. I had set a goal to get under 400 by this convention coming up in 2 weeks. I haven't weighed myself in a week and a half, and when I did last, I was 409. I was also hoping to be under 400 by my appointment with my surgeon Tuesday, but that goal was based on my 9 pound loss right after my fill. I don't know if I'll make it to my goal in 2 weeks. I really have to dedicate myself to this or I won't lose weight. I'm too happy with eating and being full that it's hard for me to say no to myself. Especially if I get a bad diagnosis Friday, I'm going to have to concentrate on my eating and cut my portions. I can't rely on my band to do that since I still haven't found lasting restriction.

Yeah...

I fell back into my usual pattern of if I'm not exercising and not eating the greatest, I just don't post. I hadn't taken a walk since I hurt myself last Saturday, until today. I meant to a few times, but between rain and just not wanting to, it didn't get done. We had Subway Thursday (not too bad), Buffalo Wild Wings Friday (I had the sampler appetizer instead of getting the usual appetizer + main dish, which helped, but still over 1000 calories), and I just HAD to have McD's yesterday (Mac Snack Wrap and McFlurry) and today (2 cheeseburgers and McFlurry). What on earth has gotten into me? It's like I just jumped into a well the last week and I have no desire to get out.

Today I did get out and walk, I only did a mile though because I felt sleepy in the heat and I was very very sluggish. I'm trying to figure out why I'm so lethargic lately, and I did jog twice, but my legs felt so weird, very weak and wobbly. My lower left leg was hurting just a tiny bit as well again, which worries me. This just means I really need to make an effort to get walking again, I have never felt so physically weak since I started walking/exercising all those months ago.

I also need to go back to NO fast food, unless absolutely necessary--no more satisfying cravings. No more cookies with my lunch, no more Taan flat things to supplement my lunch. I'm going too far out of my way to please my stomach instead of the scale.

Also, I really have to give up tortillas, completely. Unless I'm so so careful, they just keep giving me problems with getting stuck, no matter how much I try to deny it and keep trying to eat them. Sigh.

Yup, That Was A Bad Idea

After my stupid idea yesterday, my left ankle, the front of my leg above the ankle, and my right knee were hurting yesterday and today. I decided to take today off because, worst case scenario, I could have a stress fracture and I don't want to make it worse--even if it's just soreness, it wouldn't have been a good idea to work it again today. DH's coworker (who is a Marine and a gym rat), suggested to take two days off to let it heal, so tomorrow is out too. It's funny, most of the time I try to get out of walking, but now that I -can't-, I want to and I miss it.

DH picked up a new cookbook called "Eating Well After Weight Loss Surgery" by Patt Levine. I haven't looked at it too much yet, but every recipe has nutrition information, portion size for LB, bypass, and DS surgeries, and instructions for puree and mushy stages. Pretty cool. I'll let you all know when I find some good recipes!

Really Really Bad Idea

First off, I didn't post yesterday because I gained 3 pounds. I really don't understand how, because I watched what I ate most of the week and rarely actually finished my dinner every night and I walked a total of 9.5 miles this week. I think it may have been bad timing when I weighed myself (couldn't go number 2 beforehand...), but it's really no excuse. I didn't walk Thursday because it was pouring outside, and yesterday DH and I had some errands to run after I picked him up from work. Then, around 12:30 AM last night, a friend was visiting and we had pizza. I had a handful of boneless buffalo wings and 3 pieces of pizza. The worst part was that I wasn't even hungry.

This morning, I tried to make up for it. I did 3 miles, running at EVERY 1/4 mile mark, WITH weights, but no water. Shortly after I passed the first mile, I started getting really exhausted. After 1.5 miles, my right upper arm/shoulder started hurting so bad from carrying the weight. At that point I stopped doing reps with the weights, but I didn't have a choice but to carry them anyway. And I kept doing my running intervals because crazily enough, I didn't feel so crappy when I was running. Probably kept my mind off the exhaustion for those 30 seconds. By the time I got back to my car, I just collapsed in the seat. I was walking sooo slow from the car back to the apartment when I got home, and now I don't want to move from my chair.

So, lesson learned. I can't take my weights if I'm doing 3 miles. If I'm going to do running intervals for 3 miles, I have to take water. It probably would have helped too if I had something to eat before I went out walking, it was about 9 AM and I hadn't had breakfast yet.

The good thing was that the people out at 9 AM are much friendlier than the rest of the day. Everyone smiles and says hello. With about 3/4 of a mile left, I noticed a big difference when people started getting snootier and ignore the other people on the trail.

Ugh, Tough Walk

I don't know if it's because I haven't used my weights in over a week, but tonight's walk/run was hard on me, I was out of breath for a good portion of it. My muscles also got tired a lot faster during my weight reps. I'm soooo exhausted, but it's good, because it means I worked hard tonight. It takes me about 45 minutes to do the 2 miles when I do my running intervals, versus my usual 52ish minutes. Not bad. I finally have something of a routine:

0-1/4 mile: 60 reps of pulling my arms up in a V from my waist to shoulders.
1/4 mile: 30 second run
1/4 - 1/2 mile: 30 reps on each arm of bicep curls
1/2 mile: 30 second run
1/2 - 3/4 mile: 30 reps on each arm, arms hanging down and swinging, pushing back further to work the muscle on the back of my arm (hard to explain)
3/4 mile: 30 second run
3/4 - 1 mile: 30 reps on each arm of lifting straight up (shoulder to full extension)
Turn around at 1 mile, 30 second jog right away, and start over.

Sorry I don't know if there are any names for some of these, I just kind of made up the muscle workouts depending on what worked my muscles well.

I was a little off on food today. I wanted a "real" breakfast (not oatmeal) so I got a ham, egg, and cheese on a roll instead of a wrap. Now, I don't know why, because I knew I didn't need it, but I got some potatoes as well. I still have a pre-lapband brain in regards to thinking I need more food to get full than I do.

I ate half my sandwich and maybe 3/4 of the potatoes and knew I was full enough at that point. But, me being the stupid me I am, I ate the rest of it. Thankfully, I didn't feel sick and wasn't painfully full when I was done. However, I didn't eat my lunch until 3:30, and I wasn't even hungry then, I just wanted to make sure I didn't get too hungry later on during my walk. I also had 2 small cookies at work, which I don't know why, because I wasn't hungry. I never take the cookies when my boss is in the room, because last time she saw me doing it she asked how my diet was going, and I don't need that. So I think I just take advantage of when she's not in the room, whether I really want a cookie or not (we have a "community" snack area). I did resist having a vanilla bean Frappaccino, which saved me 250 calories.

I'm just really glad I got my walk in, it seems lately I only get it in on Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and then don't have the urge to finish the week.

Pretty Good Day

I finally called my doctor (when my appt. was 3 weeks ago) to get my lab results. ALL of my tests were normal (blood sugar, thyroid, liver, etc etc) and my cholesterol is still a wonderful 154. Even my doctor is jealous of my cholesterol. I don't remember if I posted about this, but she told me when I was there that if she were to go out in the waiting room and point out who had the highest cholesterol in the room, she would have picked me, but she's continually amazed at how low it is. Meanwhile, my mom weighs somewhere between 120-130 and her cholesterol is over 200. Crazy world.

I went to the potluck tonight at my support group. I was a little nervous to see the dietician there, because I don't go to her anymore and I'm pretty sure she knows I fought to have it that way. It's nothing against her, the $75 cash every session just wasn't worth the knowledge she repeated that I had in my original surgery packet.

At first I was worried because nobody was taking my Oreo fluff, then I realized that people didn't take ANY sweet things the first time. Apparently I had skewed views of what a bariatric potluck would be--one trip to the food line and that was it, so I originally took a little of whatever I wanted and planned that that would be it. Everyone else went back for seconds and dessert. THEN the compliments came flying in! Everyone was surprised how good it was, even the dietician had a second helping of it. Some people had 3 helpings. Everyone kept asking how to make it, how good it was, etc., but the best compliments were the 3 people who told me they could never have it in their house, because it goes down TOO easily and they would be too tempted by it. But those same people said they would definitely take it to a function where other people would be eating it, because there wouldn't be anything left to take home! I was pleasantly surprised at how well received it was.

I plan to get my walk in tomorrow since I have time to kill before DH gets off work and it's not supposed to rain.

Ahhh, three days in a row

Yesterday I walked a full three miles! I'm so proud of myself that I can do it pretty easily. The only reason I don't do it everyday is because sometimes I just want to get home to DH or it just takes so long and I get bored.

Today it was storming right before I got off work, but it stopped raining when I got out. I took a risk and started walking, but it looked like it was going to start storming again, so I planned to do one mile. It seems like I can NEVER just do ONE mile. Got to the 1/2 mile mark and decided to keep going since it didn't start raining again yet. Then, a few minutes after that, the sun came out, almost like a reward for doing my full walk. I feel like I put more power into my muscles today as I walked, it was nice. I didn't finish any faster, but I feel like I got a better workout. I didn't run because the trail is blacktop; it was really slippery being so drenched from the storms today. I also didn't take my weights in fear of rain.

Tomorrow is my support group meeting's summer potluck and I'm taking low-fat Oreo fluff, made with crushed up reduced-fat Oreos, Cool Whip Free, and fat-free, sugar-free white chocolate pudding. I used to make the "regular" version a lot for picnics and such but I haven't tried it with low fat foods, we'll see how it works out.

Measurements

I finally got DH to take my measurements for me. I am only doing very basic measurements, because I don't want to get caught up too much with inches AND pounds. I regret not taking my measurements at surgery time, when I weighed 444.

My measurements right now at 406:

Bust: 62"
Waist: 56"
Stomach (somewhere between my waist and hips): 67"
Hips: 73"

Wowza. I have a lot of work ahead of me.

Who's Afraid of a Little Rain?

I've put off probably 60-75% of my walks in the last few weeks because of rain. It gets old using it as an excuse. Today, I was all pumped up for my walk, it was cloudy out but the Weather Channel said it wasn't supposed to rain. RIGHT as I was pulling into the parking lot at the trail, it started raining. I sat there for a few minutes, wondering if I should just go home or if I should get my ass out of the car. I also didn't feel well, my stomach started acting up a little bit before I left the house to take DH to work. So I decided to just do 1 mile, which was better than nothing.

I got to the 1/2 mile mark, where I was going to turn around, and decided I just wasn't tired enough yet to. So I made it to the 1 mile mark as usual, and then realized I could do better. I went out to the 1 1/4 mark before finally turning around, so I got 2.5 miles in today, AND I was doing my 30-second runs at each 1/4 mile mark. Rain, urpy stomach, and all. I didn't have my hand weights because I didn't know how awkward they would be to hang on to in the rain. I don't know if the rain made me feel refreshed or just gross. I was surprised to see so many people on the trail in the rain, they didn't seem to care.

My new iPod Shuffle arrived yesterday and after spending a few hours last night trying to get music onto it, it works fine now and it kept me company today about halfway through my walk, until it was raining too hard that I had to put it in my pocket so I didn't blow out the earphones or damage it. I love this because I don't need pockets or a free hand to listen to music now, when I had to bring my phone before.

Tomorrow's goal: 3 miles!

Bandiversary!

Today is my one-year Bandiversary. I also weighed myself this morning. I'm down to 406, which means a lot of things:

- I lost 9 pounds since my fill last Wednesday!
- My Bandiversary weight loss is 38 pounds--pretty disappointing, but I can't complain, considering all of the trouble I went through with fills. Hopefully I'm on the right track with my fills now.
- I'm at my lowest weight since August 2006, at which point I weighed 407. I've been upset lately that I got down to 408 at one point, but I could never seem to break that number. I'm going to try my hardest not to bounce back up!

It was storming this morning when I left for work, but it was really nice and pretty hot when I got out. I should have went for a walk, but I got out of work a little late and then I just didn't feel like it. It's supposed to rain this weekend, but the Weather Channel hasn't been the most reliable lately, so I'm going to try to get a walk in both days, and hopefully stick with it through the week.

Tuesday is a potluck at my support group, but unless I make something cold that I can keep in the fridge at work, I won't have time to make anything to take. If I can't take anything, I won't go, because that's always seem free-loady to me. I'm going to hunt around LBT later and see what I can come up with for cold foods.

First Food I Have To Give Up

It's official. I had to say goodbye to my favorite breakfast food from the cafeteria next to my office. For no other reason than "I wanted it," I got my usual ham, egg, and cheese wrap from the cafeteria yesterday morning. I got slightly stuck a few times, but nothing that didn't go down after a few seconds. Today, however, was the last time I'll be able to eat that food again, at least for a very long time.

About 1/4 of the way through it, I got stuck. Badly. It actually hurt--usually being "stuck" doesn't really hurt, just really uncomfortable. I started sliming really bad, and felt it coming back up. At that exact moment, my boss's boss sent me an instant message, and it was important work info, so I couldn't leave the computer. For about 10 minutes, I fought the stuff coming up my throat, swallowing it back down, and at one point, spitting a mouthful into some tissues and throwing it into the garbage. Finally, it settled back down. I went into a meeting then and came back to my wrap about 20 minutes later. So what did I do? I kept eating it. I have no idea why. At that point, I KNEW that I had to give it up, that it just doesn't work with my band, but I kept going anyway, because I wanted it. Made it through until about 1/4 was left, then had another massive stuck episode, just the same as the first one. I figured I could wait this one out too, since I made it through the first one without having to completely PB. It only took about 5 minutes to pass this time, but it was bad enough. So...I finished my wrap. It took me over 2 hours to finish the freaking thing, when I should have thrown it out after the first time getting stuck. It's like my brain just shut off for awhile.

I'll either have to stick to my oatmeal (which I should anyway; I just get bored with it sometimes and need real food), or figure out something else to get in the cafeteria that won't kill my pouch. The good thing (at least I have to think of it as a good thing) is that I wasn't hungry for the rest of the day until after work, so I didn't eat lunch.

Last night broke my no-fast-food streak. It wasn't a moment of weakness, it was a planned decision. I had been thinking about it a lot, and there is no way I'd be able to give up fast food forever; with how busy we get sometimes and some of the trips we take, fast food is inevitable. The key is ordering smarter and not going very often. I got out of work late last night and had to run an errand, then had to pick up DH and go see a movie with him. There was no time to stop home for dinner and I didn't want to spend an arm and a leg on movie theater crap, so we went to Taco Bell. I had a chicken burrito and a hard shell taco, so that wasn't TOO bad, but I should have ordered off their new Fresco menu (lower calorie choices).

I didn't get a chance to go walking yesterday or today, but hopefully I can tomorrow if it doesn't storm after work.

What a workout!

I was sweating more than I ever have while walking today. It wasn't too hot, but I was pushing it. I tried my new plan of running 30 seconds at every 1/4 mile mark, and I hit it every time. I felt like I was walking slower because of it, but it might have just been the shock to my body that made it feel slower. My overall time was faster, but I don't know exactly how much since I didn't check the time exactly when I left the car (bad habit). Plus, between every run, I did reps with the hand weights and my arms were killing me by the time I was done.

At least I burned off the 3 chewy Chips Ahoy I ate at work today for absolutely no reason...I guess I should be thankful that I didn't eat them because I was hungry. I was only hungry for maybe an hour before lunch and I was fine the rest of the day. I wasn't even that hungry when I got home after my walk. I'm on good terms with my band right now.

Recommitting

I've really discovered a lot about myself in the last few months. While watching "The Biggest Loser," I realized one of my biggest hurdles to losing weight with the band: I just don't have a clear goal. When the contestants have their "goal shirts" with phrases of their goals on it, I kept thinking about what I would put on mine, and I couldn't think of anything. All of a sudden, it's a bad thing that I don't -hate- myself. Sure, I'm not happy being overweight, but I'm pretty comfortable with myself as a person, and I only feel bad about my weight when it's inconvenient--sitting in chairs with arms, clothes not fitting, stuff like that. I don't have any health problems. I don't feel like my life is threatened by my weight right now. But I think that in itself should be my focus; I need to lose the weight before it BECOMES a problem. I'm not as physically limited by my weight as other people my size.

Another thing I not really realized but admitted to is that I'm greedy with food. I'm not sure where this came from, but I have theories. One theory is that when I was growing up, my mom didn't have a lot of money since she was disabled and was living off disability and child support. Because of this, my mom would get really mad at me for eating anything than one serving at dinner and if I ate anything between meals. She would actually count and keep track of how much food we had (like 5 hot dogs, half a container of macaroni, etc). She would always know when food was taken, which I did a lot of when she would fall asleep at 7 or 8 PM every night. I was always so hungry, I could eat a package of cold hotdogs without flinching. At my grandma's house, I could eat whatever I wanted, and she kept a stocked kitchen. I could eat a pound of ham or turkey on two sandwiches in one sitting and like half a can of Pringles, a few sodas, and dessert would be a huge bowl of ice cream. My mom disapproved, but she couldn't say anything because it wasn't her house.

So what this means now is that I don't like sharing food if I think I'll still be hungry. When DH and I would share a pizza, I'd try to get the "bigger" half if it was cut uneven. If I got Chinese food when he wasn't home, instead of telling him I got it, in which case I would have been expected to get him some, I would get myself two dinners and hide it and not tell him (not to eat at once, but one for the next day). When I buy snacks and such, I forbid his friends from eating any of it when they come over for "movie night" every week. I hate being this way.

Anyway, those were just some thoughts I've had over the past few weeks that I just didn't have the energy to sit down and type out.

So now on to the title of this post: Recommitting. Now that I do have some restriction, it's much easier to recommit to my new lifestyle. I've been making conscious choices to stop eating before I feel stuffed. I have to trust my band that I won't be hungry when I stop eating. So far, it's worked. On Saturdays and Sundays I always make myself a nice breakfast of Egg Beaters (with cheese and meat and stuff) and buttered toast. Usually, I would have the equivalent of 3.5-4 eggs and 4 pieces of buttered toast. Yesterday and today, I had 2 eggs and 2 pieces of toast. I still put some meat and cheese in it, but less (since there's less egg). And I felt satisfied.

This is my biggest battle: learning that I can stop eating at "satisfied" instead of stuffed-full and not die. I need to learn that I'll be just fine on less food. It also means learning to enjoy the smaller amount of food instead of eating more and more because food tastes so good (another of my big problems). Last night I ate 3 pieces of pizza instead of the usual 4 (I could have stopped at 2, not sure why I ate the third piece).

The thing I like the most about having restriction is that I don't feel the need to snack. I think I only had one snack since my fill on Wednesday, and it was more because I wanted to have it, not because I was hungry. I still slip up, but hey, I'm headed in the right direction.

Another good thing happened today: I walked THREE miles! It was hot and I got sunburnt, but I had water with me and I just did it. My feet hurt a little more than usual, but I felt so good for having done it. I didn't time it exactly, but it took me roughly 1 hour 15 minutes, which is on target with my usual 2.5 mph pace. I was afraid I would slow down from getting tired going so far, but I did great!

I think the pain I was having is mostly gone. I'm so happy about my fill, I realize now that the basics of LapBand eating (small bites, chew chew chew, eat slowly) isn't just a conscious habit--you HAVE to do those things or you get stuck! It's awesome. I got stuck on mashed potatoes, of all things, but I'd much much get stuck on mushy food than be able to eat everything in sight.

I think I can still eat more than I would like, so I think I'm going to get another fill when I can. Can't wait to weigh myself sometime this week! I'm expecting good results.

Solid Food!

So I finally begged DH to let me have solid food for supper tonight. We went to Boston Market since I've been craving rotisserie chicken for weeks now. I had a bit of chicken, and about half of my mashed potatoes and stuffing. Normally I eat the whole thing. It was a conscious effort though, I didn't feel absolutely stuffed like I usually do. I wasn't real hungry though, I had drunk about half of a vanilla Nutrament shake about 2.5 hours before and it upset my stomach a bit then. I think since I wasn't hungry, I couldn't feel when I was satisfied. I chewed very well though and took my time between bites. I could feel everything go down into my stomach, but no pain and nothing got stuck.

Since my fill on Wednesday, I've been VERY gassy (both ends), thankfully it wasn't so bad that I couldn't hide it at work. Also, I've had a little bit of pain around where my band/pouch should be, it's almost constant, but seems to go away when I eat. It's not hunger pains, and from what I've read on LBT, it's just from swelling and should go away soon. I will call my doctor though if it doesn't go away in a few days.

I haven't been very thirsty though, so I haven't been getting in enough liquids. I need to try harder on that. I've been living on soup, soup, and more soup since my fill and the chicken tonight was soooo good!

I'm still going to take it very slow, because especially with the pain, I really don't want to damage myself and I want to truly feel how restricted I am or not.

You made me wait 10 weeks for this?

I was going to wait until I got home to post, but I had some time at work and I want to get this all down while it's fresh in my head.

I got my fill about 2 hours ago. I love my surgeon; I never have to fight with him if I want a bigger fill or anything. I told him that the coordinator recommended at least 3ccs, told him that I felt no change at all after the last fill, etc, so he said he'd put a few more in. But first, as always, he had to take out what was there to check the fill level...

1cc.

I was supposed to have 4ccs in my band after my last fill, and I had 1cc that he pulled back out. Everything just kind of clicked. Why I've been able to eat such huge amounts of food, why I felt absolutely nothing after my last fill, etc. I don't think it was a leak. After he said there was only 1cc in there, he said "I put 1cc in last time"--to which I promptly responded "but it was supposed to be a TOTAL of 4." I think what happened is that he meant to put in an ADDITIONAL 1cc in last time, and accidentally put ONLY 1cc back in, just based on this conversation.

So I had to wait 10 weeks to get a fill, only to find out that my lack of restriction was due to a mistake. If they would just let me get fills when I actually need them, I could have found this out 6 weeks ago instead of starving all this time. He put a total of 5cc in today, which I was afraid that he might make me build it back up slowly. So now, my highest fill has been 3ccs, and I had restriction for about 3 weeks with that, so hopefully 5 will give me some even better results. The only problem is that since he put so much in today, I have to be on liquids for a few days instead of just today. Ugh!

I'm going to schedule an appointment with him either this week or next week, since it takes 2-3 weeks to get an appt. Either way, I have to be weighed before I can get another fill. And then, if I need a fill by then, we can get it scheduled right there, and it should be a max of about 6 weeks between this fill and the next.

Usually I make a protein shake to bring to work on my fill days, but I've really gotten tired of the protein powder I use, and it never shakes up completely so there's always clumps in it. So instead, this morning I picked up a meal replacement shake. I meant to get Slim-Fast, but all the convenience store had was this one called Nutrament. Apparently, this is only available in New York and Florida, but I was really surprised; it tastes GOOD! I got the chocolate, and it didn't have the weird aftertaste that Slim-Fast has. The nutrition is a little different; Slim-Fast has 220 calories, 3g of fat, 40g of carbs, and 10g of protein. Nutrament has 360 calories, 10g of fat, 52g of carbs, and 16g of protein. Nutrament seems like it's meant more as an athletic drink, so that's why some of the bad stuff is higher, but the 16g of protein makes up for some of it. Plus, 360 calories isn't really that bad when it's your entire meal.

DH is making potato soup tonight. He always makes soup after my fills, but usually something with just a little bit of chunkiness to it so I don't feel too deprived. Since I have to be on liquids for a few days though, I'm going to blend it tonight just to be safe. I love how his soup always tastes like the best thing ever after fills :)

Two more days!

I'm anxiously awaiting my fill on Wednesday. I have a good feeling about this one.

I did get my walk in, but not as far as I had planned. Originally, I was going to stop at the trail on my way home from work. Then I decided I really wanted to spend more time with DH, so I went straight home and we were going to walk together. Well..."maritals" happened (absolutely no complaint here!) and by the time we finally got out and went for the walk, it was getting late so we only did about a mile in fear of getting stuck too far out when it was getting dark, and the trail technically closes at dusk.

We had Panera for dinner, yummy broccoli cheddar soup and half of a Smokehouse Turkey panini. The great thing about Panera is that I can never completely finish my meal, and I love that feeling.

Tomorrow is the support group, I think I'm going to try to go. It kills me though because DH is off work and I really want to spend time with him.

Getting Hot Out

I got my walk in again today. I realize that on the weekends, if I just walk right after taking DH to work, then it's done and I don't have to worry about it later and it's harder to make excuses. I couldn't bring my phone (my phone has my music) with me today since I didn't have pockets (and already have my hands full with the weights) so it was a little boring. It was about 75 degrees, but walking in the sun got me VERY hot, and about 2/3 of the way through my walk I just got very sluggish and tired. I need to figure out a way to bring water with me, I think that would have solved that problem. But when I carry the weights I don't have a way to carry any water. I'll have to think about this.

I also tested a new theory today. I know that when I tried Couch to 5K, it was too much to run 60 seconds at a time. I could do it, but then I was so wiped that I had to walk longer and miss the next interval. I was reading about interval training and one site had a plan almost identical to Couch to 5K (it never referenced anything similar though), but with one difference: the first week starts with 30 second intervals instead of 60. It took me about a month to finally try it, but I did one 30-second run today, just to see how my body handled it. I did it during my last 1/4 mile so that if I got too exhausted, I wouldn't have far to go. I ran my 30 seconds, and I was alright! I think I could do this. I don't think I'm quite ready to do 30 seconds running, 90 seconds walking, but I'm going to start slow: run 30 seconds at every 1/4 mile marker. That gives me at least 7 running intervals. I think that's a REALLY good start for me, without killing me. Over time I can increase the frequency, then eventually increase the length of the running interval. I'm going to try it tomorrow and see how it works out.

The Last 7 Days = Total Waste

Until this morning, I had not taken a walk or worked out at all since last Wednesday or Thursday. I don't know why I didn't Thursday or Friday, I had a three day weekend Saturday - Monday and I just didn't feel like doing anything, and then Tuesday, my grandpa died, so I had little motivation Tuesday and Wednesday. Thursday, we got a call at 6:30 AM from a friend asking us to take in a feral cat he trapped, so by 7:30 AM we had the fiesty little girl in our bathroom, so I wanted to get home fast after work for that reason. Yesterday I thought it was going to storm, ended up not raining at all, but that was no excuse for me not to go to the gym instead. So today I finally went out and just did it. The weather was beautiful, it was nice and cool under the trees, but I was working so hard that my bra is still wet with sweat.

The other reason this week was a waste is that since last weekend, I have just been eating like crazy. I figured out why yesterday, when I woke up and had "those" cramps for the first time since I was in high school. I've been on Depo-Provera (birth control shot) since I was 18, and I haven't had a true period since. However, when I get close to my 2-week window to get my shot again (every 3 months if you don't know much about it), sometimes I start spotting, sometimes I get really moody/PMS, and this time I cramped and had a bottomless stomach.

My fill is this Wednesday, so I'm hoping to kick my ass back into better habits and try to make it work this time. I weighed myself for the first time since May 1st. Despite all the sabatoging I did this week with no working out and eating, I only gained 3 pounds in 4 weeks. I really should be more upset about gaining, but I have ZERO restriction and I can't feel too bad about it. I know that once I have restriction, I'll drop weight much much easier.

On LBT I joined the Labor Day Challenge - my goal is to be 375 by Labor Day (Sept. 7) - so I need to lose 40 pounds in 14 weeks. If my fill actually works, I think that is totally doable, about 2-3 pounds a week. I really need to kick it up a notch and TRY along with my band. So far I haven't met ANY of my mini-goals and I'd really like to reach this one for once. My next goal is to be under 400 by July 15th or so, when I go to a convention in Baltimore. Again, about 2 pounds a week, so I think I should be able to do this if I try hard enough.

Support Group

I went to the support group last night. It was "Support Group for Bariatric Supporters" and I really wanted DH to come, but he was working. I know it's been quite a change for him and he gets so worked up sometimes trying to figure out healthier, more filling foods for me. He has absolutely been my #1 supporter. Only two women brought their husbands though, most people didn't know it was "supporters" night.

Anyway, the program coordinator finally put me on the spot and had me talk about what I've been going through, since I'm usually pretty quiet at the meetings. Not because I'm shy, but because the attendees all know each other so well that I generally can't get a word in edgewise. After the meeting, I regretted talking about my problems so far. I KNOW that everyone means well, but it was really frustrating sitting there while people who have no issues with volume (either bypass or well-established bandsters--I think I'm the only one at the group who doesn't eat less than before surgery) try to give me tips and tell me to go back to basics, follow the plan, blah blah. I do appreciate that people care so much, but it reminded me of why I don't go to the dietician: I KNOW what I'm supposed to be doing, I know HOW to eat healthy, but knowledge and practice don't always go hand-in-hand. There was only one suggestion during the whole fiasco that I hadn't already tried or didn't already know. I do continually go back to "basics" and try to be a good bandster, but when there's no restriction, hunger gets the best of me.

The only suggestion I didn't think of already was to eat half of my supper and put the other half away--with the understanding that I was fully allowed to eat it later, since I would have normally eaten it anyway, but I didn't have to eat it if I wasn't hungry. It's really not a bad idea and I may try it sometime.

I kept repeating myself over and over and it's like nobody understands--most of my problems will be solved when I have restriction. Hunger and portion sizes are my problem, it's usually not about the quality of what I put in my mouth. I haven't had fast food in almost 5 months, but my weight keeps bobbing up and down, no major loss. I can eat as healthy as possible, but if I'm eating 2-3x more than I should be, it doesn't matter if one serving was only 200 calories, because now I just ate 600.

At least my program coordinator understood that restriction really will be the best solution for me and that it's not necessarily anything I'm doing wrong. She reminded me again after the meeting to get a really big fill this time, she even half-joked that she wants one so big that I can't swallow the next day.

So anyway, I'm not sure what my feelings on the support group are. It's good to stay on the coordinator's good side for when I have problems getting fills, but I'm really not getting much of a benefit from it. It's nice to be around other people who had surgery, but nobody in the group is really going through exactly what I am with trying to get restriction. LBT is probably still my best resource for that. I'll go to the next few groups, but I may taper off eventually, we'll see how I'm doing after my next fill.

My walk actually kicked my ass today! I think I may be trying too much at once--walking with intervals of speed walking, carrying the weights and doing organized reps here and there. I haven't been this sore right after a walk in awhile. It felt good though, because I feel like I got a good workout. Me and Lily Allen--still going strong :)

DH's Blog

DH finally started a food blog. He loves trying new recipes and tweaking things he sees on the Food Network. He calls it "food alchemy." He's also been on a mission to cook things healthier whenever he can, and when I'm on liquids and mushies, he sees it as a challenge to make something delicious during what would normally be a bland and torturous time period.

That said, I will be tagging things as "Lap-Band Friendly" and some sort of tag for healthier foods as he tries new things and posts about them. Keep an eye out for it!

Welcome to Flavor Country

Sore!

So the hand weights are definitely working...I was so sore today. Strangely enough, it's the sides of my lower back that were sore. When I'm walking, it's the middle of my upper back (where I usually hurt if I'm not wearing a bra or something). I got my 2 miles in today, with the weights. Listening to Lily Allen improved my time by about 5 minutes (roughly--didn't really check the time when I got out of the car). I found myself walking faster to keep pace with her more upbeat songs. Definitely a good walking partner!

A woman caught up to me today right before I got back to the parking lot. I think she was part of the pair that talked to me a few weeks ago. She asked me how it was going and such and told me how she used to be a size 26/28 and now she's a 14 just by walking. We talked a little bit about how far she goes, how the trail is past where I stop, stuff like that. She just wanted to encourage me :) Somedays I just need that.

Karma is a bitch--I didn't feel so good after having about 1/3 of the M&M bag at work today....

Slack Slack Slack...

No workout Friday or Saturday. Saturday I meant to, but we didn't get home until after 8 PM, so it was way too late to go walking. But I do have some good news: we were out Saturday shopping, so while I was at Walmart, I stopped in the sporting goods section. I've been thinking about getting free weights for around the house or wrist/ankle weights or SOMETHING to make up for walking instead of going to the gym and doing strength training. What I ended up getting was a pair of 2-pound weights (that have the neoprene?/foamy covering). I was skeptical if I would actually use them while walking or if they would even make a difference because they're so light, but DH insisted I get them (plus, they were only $2.77 each).

Of course, there is a bad part to the shopping trip; in the cart with the weights and Crystal Light was soda, tortilla chips, Pringles, and a big bag of Peanut Butter M&Ms (which I have been craving for MONTHS but only gave in once before yesterday, and that was a little single pack). Sigh. I'm expecting a big fill this time, so maybe last supper syndrome is in the back of my head? The soda doesn't even sit right anymore, I'm so used to not drinking carbonation anymore that it makes me a little urpy. Thankfully though I didn't sit down and eat the whole bag of M&Ms, I had a few small handfuls and that was it.

Today I did get my 2 mile walk in! It was threatening to rain but we took our chances. The weights are a big success--I found myself doing short reps of different angles almost unconsciously instead of just swinging them as I walked. I do believe I'll be using them regularly. I didn't feel as silly as I thought walking with them, either. DH was fascinated during our walk; he hadn't been on that part of the trail in about a month, and there wasn't much spring growth yet. Now it's all filled in and we saw goldfinches, rabbits (including a baby), 2 deer, cardinals, and lots of other wildlife. About 1/3 of a mile from the end, DH started walking backwards. I don't know why, and neither does he. BUT, after a little bit, his legs started to hurt. He finally felt like he was getting a workout, eesh. So he kept walking backwards while I walked. I ran for the very last part, too, which made both myself and DH proud of me. It killed me and I was gasping for about 5 minutes afterwards, but it was still nice.

Rain, Rain, Go Away

It rained again today, so no walk, but I did go to the gym! Someone was actually on the bike when I first went in (which is rare--I'm usually the only one at night who uses it), so I went on the elliptical first. Got 5 minutes in, and I could have gone longer, but I didn't want to wear myself out too much before doing the bike. Did my weights, guy left the bike, so I did about 12-13 minutes before my feet hurt too much (elliptical first...ruined my chances of a full bike workout). Still got most of it in though, and I'm proud of myself for doing the elliptical, which I've been skipping the last few times I went down there.

Tuesday is another support group for my program, and this one is called "Support Group for Bariatric Supporters", which means I can bring DH. If he doesn't have to work, I'm definitely bringing him. It's in the doctor's office too instead of in one of the common rooms in the hospital, so I'm hoping he'll get to meet Dr. Weber. It should be interesting.

Good News and Bad News

The bad news: I didn't get a walk or workout in Monday and today. Monday I went straight home and I was going to take a walk with DH. I had told him on Sunday not to start dinner because I wouldn't want to eat right away, that I wanted to take a walk. He was cooking when I got home, so by the time we ate, it was too late to go out for the walk. Tuesday I did go to the gym (it was raining) and did the bike and weights. I was ready to do the elliptical but the two girls came in again and took them. Today I got off work late, had to stop at the grocery store, and by the time we got home, it was too late again. Sigh.

It's supposed to rain the next 4 days or so in a row so I guess I'll have to hit the gym again tomorrow and Friday.

The good news: I finally got a freaking fill scheduled for Wednesday, June 3. Yeah, it's 3 weeks away after I had to wait 7 damn weeks to schedule the stupid thing. I think the scheduling lady got an earful because she didn't fight with me, just called with my appointment time and said I would just have to see Dr. Weber and get weighed before my NEXT fill. She said she had talked to Dr. Weber and he told her to just schedule the fill. Small victories, even though it took long enough.

Eih, not a great day

I caved and got a few sodas today. At least it will satisfy me for a few more weeks. I picked DH up from work and we were going to walk together, but he hurt his back a little bit somehow at work and we only did about a mile total, but it's still better than nothing. I was bummed to see that part of the pathway is closed, but it's the southbound route that I don't take very often, I just happened to go that way with DH today because I hadn't taken him down there before.

In other news, I found an old email today of body measurements I took almost exactly 2 years ago (I was planning to get a costume made but it fell through, they couldn't make it in time). I know I have a tape measure around here somewhere, and we found it one day and lost it again, if I don't find it by this weekend I'll just get a new one. I'm curious because at that time I should have been about the same weight (probably heavier) than I am now. Plus, I just want to start keeping track, since I can feel changes in my shape but it doesn't show on the scale.

Proud :)

I love how sometimes I can totally change my thinking/desires into what I really need to do, like all the times I think about stopping for soda or food or whatnot and just going home. Today, I was going to skip walking (or Walk Away The Pounds, since we were expecting thunderstorms but didn't know what time). I decided I just didn't want to. I was watching some shows and getting sleepy around 1 PM (not much sleep last night, had to get up early to take DH to work) and I was going to take a nap. Then I just told myself no and put on my shoes and went for my 2 mile walk. Of course, it was humid as hell and the heat just made it worse, so it was an awful walk in that respect, but I did it and enjoyed it. I really love it when I'm excited to go walking, it makes it so much easier.

Also, I've gotten addicted to Lily Allen's music lately and put her 2 albums on my phone--she made a GREAT walking partner today! I was grooving and bopping my head most of the walk :)

At least I know it's still there...

Sometimes I forget I even have the band. Sometimes I think something went horribly wrong and it came undone or something. Then, I eat a few chicken nuggets WAY too fast...and for the first time since about 10 months ago, I slimed, slimed slimed, then finally, what probably amounted to a whole chicken nugget came right back up. While it's one of the most uncomfortable feelings ever, it's also reassuring, because I WANT the crazy side effects of the band--it makes me feel like it's actually working. Of course, I PB on a chicken nugget, but I can still like a horse at mealtimes. But it's still a good sign!

I had an insane mental battle with myself tonight about whether I should take my walk or not. On the drive home, I kept oscillating between just going home or actually stopping for my walk. I don't know where this sudden laziness came from, a week ago I was gung-ho and excited about exercising and walking, but I think I just had too many days off lately and now my body doesn't want to get back into it. Then, I when I started walking, I kept going back and forth between if I should just go to the 1/2 mile mark and back, or go the full mile and back. I hate this! I need to keep doing this every day and drop the excuses. I did end up going my full 2 miles, and the soreness/tiredness I felt when I started was gone before I hit the first 3/4 mile mark. I also brought my phone along for some music today, and that seemed to help pass the time. I don't do it all the time because most of my "workout" pants don't have pockets and I don't like carrying things in my hands for 2 miles.

My 52 mins for 2 miles held true today so that's a good starting baseline for sure. On the way home, I battled with deciding if I should stop for ice cream, stop for fast food (breaking my 4-month abstinence), stop for soda...man, this is getting out of control. Thankfully, I drove straight home and I'm cooking a fairly healthy dinner for myself (rice and beans and maybe some broccoli and cheese with it). This head hunger has to stop. Still haven't heard from the scheduling lady for a fill.

Previously, on this blog...

Yeah...I kinda disappeared for a few days. I noticed a pattern with my blogging: if I'm not working out or losing weight, I just don't feel like posting.

Anyways, Friday I did weigh myself, 412 lbs. I gained 2 pounds in about 3 weeks, but considering I was eating like crap lately with no restriction, I'm definitely not complaining. I finally sent an email to the program coordinator again asking if she had any updates or if I should just try scheduling a fill myself and she told me to go ahead. No apologies for sitting on my email for two weeks, nothing saying that she was working on it, NOTHING. I wasted 4 weeks total with her, thinking she would help me get a fill. So today I left a message with the scheduling lady and she hasn't called back yet.

I didn't work out Friday, Saturday, Sunday, or Monday. To be fair, Friday was a rest day because I just wore my body down too much with my Couch to 5K attempt. Saturday and Sunday it rained, but I should have worked out at home, so that's my fault. Monday it was raining and I had planned to work out in the gym, but I was so tired all day that I just went home. Yesterday it rained but I finally went down to the gym. I did my 15 mins on the bike and did my weights, but I only did about 30 secs on the elliptical before I was too bored. I read somewhere to find an exercise you like or you won't do it, and that's definitely becoming true with the elliptical. I just don't like it, so I have no will to do it.

Today it rained in the morning but finally had a dry afternoon, so I did get my walk in today. I was a little more sore than usual because of my days off, but I survived. It was awesome though, two ladies stopped and asked me how far I went, and I told them 1 mile and back (we were near the mile mark so they knew what I meant), they were all smiles and said "That's so great! Good for you!" It's nice to get encouragement.

It's supposed to rain tomorrow and Friday again, so I'll just have to hit the gym again, no excuses this week. And hopefully I'll get a fill scheduled tomorrow, because she's off Friday so I won't hear from her until Monday at least if she doesn't return my call tomorrow. Ugh.

Random Thoughts

2 mile time: 51 mins.

I decided to start keeping (rough) track of my walking times. Day-to-day will vary a lot by a few minutes, because I time it from my car clock (I don't like wearing watches), so it depends where I park, if I have to wait for anyone to pull out of the lot, etc. But my hope is that over time I'll see a general downward trend in my times as my body gets more and more used to walking.

Tonight I knew it was supposed to rain. I knew it was going to be soon when I took off on my walk. I thought about going to the 1/2 mile mark and back, then again to make it 2 miles--that way I wouldn't be stuck too far out if it started pouring. But I knew that if I did that, I would stop after the first round and I knew I wouldn't go back for another trip, so I just went to the full mile marker. Somewhere between 1/2 - 1/4 mile left, it did start to rain, but not too hard, so I was only mildly wet by the time I got back to the car.

My walk was different today, though. I started getting sore before I hit the first 1/2 mile marker. A little bit before I reached the 1 mile turnaround, I suddenly lost all interest in walking and wanted to stop. Thankfully, I HAD to finish to get back to my car! That's one of the things I like about walking outside as opposed to at home or in the gym--I can't just stop, I have to finish or I'd be stranded. By the time I was getting close to the parking lot again, I was so thankful that I was done, and that's the first time I've felt like that since I started walking. I don't know if it was the weather rubbing off on me or my body was just too run down from my Couch to 5K attempt yesterday or what. I may take a rest day tomorrow depending on how my body feels. This is the first time I walked 3 days in a row so I might be pushing my body a little faster than it wants yet.

I still haven't heard about my fill.

Now for the random thoughts:

#1: First off, I know I have at least one regular reader, hopefully more, and I'm sure you're curious what I look like. I hadn't posted any pictures yet because I was hoping that the first time I did would be a comparison picture. I haven't lost enough weight yet to see any difference, so I can't do that yet. But I've been posting for awhile now so I figured I'd at least show ya'll my "before" pictures that were taken last April around my first post-op visit:



Now that I look at the side view, I think DH's angle was a little off, because I look thinner there than I am, I think... Also, the ponytail is gone, my hair is above my shoulders now. Sometime soon I'll post some more recent pictures.

#2: I don't know how people can do the Couch to 5K program on a treadmill. It would drive me nuts having to change the speeds so often.

#3: I think I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow. I haven't in awhile because my weight has just been bouncing up and down meaninglessly. I haven't been eating the best lately though, so despite my exercise, I'm pretty sure I've gained weight. Somedays I just don't feel like fighting my weight if my band isn't going to help me. It's a bad attitude that I know a good fill will take away, but I know I still need to get a grip on it before I gain back TOO much weight.

#4: I've been asking DH alot lately about what it's like being an average weight (he's about 5'10"ish and 175 lbs--he has a little bit of a pot belly, but he's by no means chubby at all). I ask questions like if his feet hurt after standing on them for 8 hours, how he feels after we do the 2 mile walk, stuff like that. I have been overweight since 1st or 2nd grade so I have absolutely no memories of what it's like to be thin; what it's like to have a job where standing on your feet all day doesn't phase you, what it's like to walk around and never get tired, what it's like to run up a flight of stairs easily, what it's like not to have your thighs rub together. It's a whole different world that he experiences from mine.

#5: I was a little self-conscious yesterday when I was doing my running portions, but I realized that I have absolutely no shame when I'm working out in the gym or walking on the trail among people who don't even know what 200 pounds is. I know many overweight people are embarrassed to exercise around fit people because they're afraid of what they think. It doesn't bother me though because even though some people will always think poorly of my body, more people are proud that I'm doing something about it. In the office gym, the regulars always smile when I come in because they think exactly that. I get that feeling from people on the walking trail, too. Especially other overweight people that I see (though never as big as me), we smile at each other because we know we're both making a difference in our lives.

#6: I want this: http://www.fitbit.com I haven't decided if I want to pre-order it or wait for it to come out. I considered getting a BodyBugg awhile ago until I saw that you had to pay a monthly fee, and wearing it as an arm band always kind of bothered me. This thing would be awesome, plus I have a lot of sleeping problems so I'd like to see what it does with that.

I think that's all the random thoughts I've had stored up, sorry for the long post!