Need a Fill...

I do have some restriction, I eat a little less than I did before the fill, but it's still way more than I should be able to eat. I don't really have to chew my food any more than I did before the band (though I still try to chew well just to avoid problems). BUT...I found out from my insurance that now my copay for fills is $250 every time since they do it in the hospital. Soo...I have to either wait until I have $250, which won't be for AWHILE, or switch to the NYU program where they do fills in the office. What a pain.

I'm down 32 pounds now, but I haven't weighed myself the last week or two. I just want restriction already. I didn't plan on money being such a holdback for the success of my Band.

Thanks for all your comments so far :)

First Fill Experience

So yesterday I had my first fill. I was a little upset at first, because my appointment was at 9:30, I arrived before 9:00, and my doctor didn't show up until after 10. However, I felt bad though when he did come, he was in his scrubs yet and had just gotten out of surgery. Oops.

I think their fluoroscopy setup is a little different than others have. I had to stand on a little step with my back against a vertical table, basically, and the machine slid down in front of my stomach. Then I had to drink some barium (which, to be perfectly honest to people who haven't had this done yet, the taste is really NOT as bad as everyone says. It's like a thin, chalky milkshake, not the horrible disgusting thing some people make it out to be). Once he got a good idea of how the plumbing was flowing, they rotated the entire table and scope backwards until I was laying down. Kinda cool.

Now is the icky part. He found my port on the scope TV thing, but he had a hard time finding it in my stomach. 1) My port is ALOT lower than my scar which he originally said it should be right under. Like about 4 inches lower. 2) He did numb it first, but he kept pushing around (which still kinda hurt) trying to find my port and about halfway through asked for a different needle. I didn't watch him do any of this due to my needle phobia, but when I took the bandaid off later, I have about 6 or 7 needle holes and a nice big bruise to round it all out. So he did the fill and they turned the table back upright and had me drink again.

They took a picture and he showed me afterward. He tried pointing out my band, but I couldn't really see it. I could see the clips that are around my stomach holding it in place though, and that was creepy. But what WAS cool is seeing the barium stuff just sitting above my pouch, which means there's restriction of some sort.

He put 1 cc in, but when I asked how big my band was, he said 10 or 12 ccs...makes me nervous that he didn't know which it was. I know it's a Vanguard though. 1 cc doesn't seem like much, but he said that was aggressive for a first fill. We'll see.

Good news though, he told me I don't have to see my dietician anymore to get fills, because I told him she doesn't tell me anything I don't already know. I was considering going to another doctor and now I hope I don't have to, the dietician was killing me at $75 every month for no reason.

So far, I was hungry all day yesterday on liquids until dinner, where Matt made this nice and thick cheese soup, which filled me up something good. I wasn't hungry when I woke up this morning, which is a first. I ate breakfast (mushy) simply because I knew if I didn't, I'd be starving later. I did get hungry around 12 and ate lunch at 1. I ate maybe 1-1.5 cups of mushies, but I couldn't tell if I was hungry or full while I was eating. But then, I wasn't hungry at all when I got home from work, which by then I'm usually starving. I ate some dinner, which ended up being probably less than 1/2 cup of food. I just knew I didn't need to eat more. It was actually a good feeling, but I was sad that I couldn't eat more. This is my biggest dilemma with the band--I just love food. I was offered a calzone tonight and I really wanted it, but I just wasn't hungry and abstained (not to mention I'm still on mushies). It's hard to get used to.

Hopefully it will be worth it in the next few weeks!

Woooo! 30 Pounds GONE!

I lost a whopping 3 pounds this week (which is awesome, I've been teetering between losing zero to one pound a week for the last month or two). So that brings my total so far up to 30 pounds lost :D I'm very happy! The crazy thing is that I didn't really watch what I ate this week since I knew I had a fill coming (I didn't pig out, but I didn't practice extra care). Weird, huh?

First Fill Scheduled!

I had an appointment with my surgeon and dietician last Wednesday (August 8th). First off, I wish it was as easy as just asking for a fill when I'm getting so hungry and eating more than I should be able to. My program has a pretty strict 3-month waiting period between surgery and the first fill. My 3 months is actually up Sept. 12, but I asked my doctor if I could get it a few weeks early. He actually agreed without any argument, BUT he's on vacation for 2 weeks now, so I'm getting it on Sept. 4, only a week early. I still lost another pound last week so now I'm down to 26 lost, but I haven't weighed myself this week. He's going to give me as much fill as I want, he said he goes by what the patient wants, to build up gradually or more aggressively. I'll take the aggressive, thanks :)

I don't like my dietician though. You can tell she's never had a problem with food or weight and she just doesn't get what it's like to be hungry. The one thing I don't like about my program is they focus on the dieting portion more than fills. They actually discourage fills as often as they can. If I was going to do this with a diet, I wouldn't need the surgery. After my first fill, I might look into seeing another surgeon for my fills and save all the worthless money paying cash for my dietician everytime.

Still Alive...Not Much News

Recap of the last month or so of weigh-ins: week 1: 1 pound lost, week 2: exactly the same weight, week 3, GAINED 1.5 pounds, this week: lost 2 pounds, putting me almost exactly where I was a month ago (well, -.2 pounds). I can't complain too much though, since I haven't been eating the greatest. I need a fill badly, I can eat much more than I should be able to, maybe 1.5 cups of food? I haven't really measured. And I'm starting to get hungry between meals again. I'm not supposed to get a fill for another month, but I see my doc and dietician next week and I'm going to ask if I can get one sooner, since otherwise I will just keep gaining the weight back.

Other than that, not much going on with my band. Sometimes I can feel it like pinching a little, or maybe it's just being hyper-aware that it's there, so I hope there's nothing wrong with it (like slippage, etc.) Now if I could just lose the weight :(

Is This Restriction?

I only have a vague idea of "restriction" - that you are full on a small amount of food and not hungry all the time, but not sure what exactly it should feel like, if that makes sense. Wednesday, I had a Lean Cuisine Chicken Club Panini for lunch, these tiny sandwiches that pre-band, I would eat as a snack and still be hungry. I probably could have eaten 3 of them without flinching before the surgery. However, when I ate one for lunch around 1 PM, I was still full until about 5 PM, when the first little inkling of hunger started coming back. On mushies, I was hungry within an hour or two. Is this what restriction is? Or is it just shock for my stomach going from 3 oz of mushy food to 4 or 5 ounces of more filling solid food? I don't want to get my hopes up, but it seems pretty consistent the last few days, I'm not hungry for awhile after meals. Of course, since I'm back on solids, I haven't been eating the greatest choices, but it's conscious and I know I'm not going to be eating again like this.

On To Solids!

I had my first post-op appointment with my dietician today. But first, an update from the weekend: On Sunday, I had the exact same pains I had Saturday that I posted about after eating some pasta and meat sauce, only it hurt worse on Sunday. I couldn't stand it, so I threw up. Twice. It relieved some of the pain, but then my stomach and throat just felt acidic all night and into Monday and the pain still didn't go away fully until after midnight. Yesterday I did some research, and after talking about it with my dietician, I concluded that it was heartburn. HEARTBURN?! This pain was settled under my ribcage and heading into my -right- side, away from my stomach, but radiated all the way into my back and my back hurt. I have never had heartburn before so it definitely wasn't what I was expecting. Now that I know overeating can cause heartburn, and knowing that heartburn hurts that freaking bad, I learned my lesson. Yesterday I just had a protein shake for breakfast and some oatmeal for lunch to give my stomach a break. I felt like crap when I woke up, I was so tired and my stomach and throat still felt acidic, and I hurt my lower back when I was retching so bad Sunday night. Once I finally had the oatmeal, though, I felt tons better. Apparently my body was just hungry and run down.

I ate much less last night and followed my diet for breakfast and lunch, then I saw my dietician. She gave me the go-ahead to start solid foods tonight (at a reduced volume though for another month--only 4 oz. In a month, I go to 5 oz, which will be my permanent volume). Now, I was planning on having Chinese for my first solid meal, but since Matt's friend is here, I have to postpone it. Instead, I went to Taco Bell (bad choice, I know) but instead of ordering 3 or 4 things like I normally do, all I got was a Queso Crunchwrap, that's it. And I ate it very slowly, put it down halfway and didn't return to finish it until about 15 minutes later to make sure I wasn't going to hurt. I'm doing okay yet, no pain, so I don't think I'll have any problems.

My doctor's scale said I -gained- 2 pounds from last week, but when I weighed myself at home tonight, even after eating dinner, I lost 1 pound since last week. I was wearing heavy pants at the docs, so I'm just going to stick with my home scale for weight loss, since I do it in the nude to get rid of fluctuations like that. So that puts me up to 25 pounds lost, unless I weigh less in the morning (as I had planned, but I was mad when I got home). Not too bad.

Pain...

I really need to get out of the habit of eating more food just because it tastes good. I can NOT have second helpings anymore. So far, EVERY time I have had more to eat than I KNOW I should have, I get really bad stomach aches. It's my own fault. Like tonight, I made a few filets of fish and some mashed potatoes. I only meant to eat 1 filet and a little bit of potatoes, but I had 2 full filets and way more potatoes than I absolutely should have. I feel like crap right now, both physically and mentally.

Yesterday was even worse. We went to a friend's house for the 4th of July and they had barbecued some stuff up. For lunch, I had a burger (with bun), some mashed potatoes, and 1/2 of a hotdog. Too much. 3 brownies for snack, which I didn't like that much anyway. Then dinner, 2 hotdogs and more mashed potatoes. Not to mention that I'm still technically on my mushy diet, but my fiance and I agreed as long as I chewed really well, I could enjoy the holiday. I'm scared of the scale now, come Wednesday. Why why why do I keep doing this? I WANT to lose weight, why is food so much more important to me than being thin and healthy and not in pain? I don't get it. I'm tired of this. I think it's hard because I never know how much I can eat and how little will make me hungry in an hour.

I still don't regret my band, but damn, I want to get to a comfortable point where I know how much I should eat and that I won't be hungry OR overfull.

Update!

Another week has passed. My scale was delivered yesterday and I'm down another 5 pounds since last week, bringing me to 24 gone so far. I'm happy with that number so far. I started walking during my lunch at work today and it kicked my butt going up any sort of incline, but I need to keep at it if I want to keep up the pace. I'd like to lose 100 pounds in 4-6 months. My fiance promised to get me a kitten when I lose 100 pounds, so it's really not a question of if...it's WHEN (and that makes me giddy, I want a kitten so bad).

Things are going well. I'm still on mushy food, but I noticed I'm taking more and more food at dinner (still sticking with the proper 3 oz. at lunch). I'm so hungry within an hour or two after lunch that I'm starving by the time I get home. I see my dietician next Tuesday, but I'm afraid she's just going to add more snacks to my diet instead of recommending a fill, but when I see my surgeon in 5 more weeks, I'll ask him for a fill. The hunger is killing me :( I start solid food next Friday and I already got my meals for the day planned, hehe. I'm only going to be weighing myself once a week to keep from torturing myself with daily ups and downs. Hopefully I can keep it moving!

First "Stuck" Episode

I always hear people talking about food getting "stuck" and I always imagined how they know something is stuck. Well, I JUST felt it. Stupid me, I was carefully eating one boneless chicken wing that my fiance had leftover from last night, and usually if I have some of his food, I just chew really really well. I guess I didn't chew well enough this time, because all of a sudden, my stomach (or slightly above it) hurt really bad and I could feel the chicken trying to slide back up the pipe. I started sliming (producing lots and lots of saliva as my throat tried to lubricate the chicken) and promptly went over the sink to try to cough it up. I spit up a little bit, but after a few minutes, I felt the popular "plop" as the chicken fell into the stomach at last. It was my own fault for trying to eat a solid piece of food only 2 weeks out, but DAMN, nothing like that very very uncomfortable feeling of being stuck to teach you a lesson!

First Post-Op Appointment!

NINETEEN POUNDS! 19 pounds gone. I was afraid that I had lost less because I hadn't been perfect on my diet, but now I'm kind of disappointed that it wasn't more. Surgery was 12 days ago. I really can't complain, that's more than 1 pound a day! As I mentioned, I haven't been perfect. I've had one bite here and there of whatever my fiance has, chewing very very well, but that's not enough to mess up my diet, in my opinion. What I have been messing up though is that I keep eating more at meals than I'm supposed to. I'm only supposed to have about 3 oz. a meal right now, but it's just not enough to keep me full. If I eat closer to 4 or 5 oz, it keeps me full all night. I don't know how big of a problem that is, considering it's still only about a half cup of food.

My surgeon said my scars are healing really well and it was a short visit. I don't see him for another 6 weeks, but I have to see my dietician before then. Still moving along with mushies. Other than that, not much news. My incisions look pretty good now without the steri-strips and all the old scabs are off now. I think I might be healed enough to go swimming next Friday (4th of July). We'll see!

I need to get a scale of my own now, though.

Mushy Stage Tomorrow!

I had my surgery exactly 1 week ago today. Most of the pain is gone, thankfully, my incisions are starting to bother me a little bit, though. Also, I got these three mystery bruises about 6 inches directly under 3 of my incisions. Why am I bruising there? There's no reason for it. I still have to sleep on my back most of the night, though I can sleep on my side for short periods of time. Still can't sleep on my stomach and it's killing me. Other than that, I'm doing okay physically.

Mentally, however...

I've regretted getting my band so many times this week that it's making me resentful. I hate my liquid diet. It was pretty easy for me until about Tuesday night, when I felt hunger for the first time since the surgery. Now I'm just mad about it. I still didn't cheat, though. I followed the liquid diet to the letter. I made the mistake of going to the grocery store last night and I was so upset that I wanted to cry last night when I was trying to decide what liquid to have for dinner.

I never realized how hard this is going to be for me. It's not just a matter of eating less. When I see commercials for restaurants and food, my head still thinks the same way as before the Band. Example: Dairy Queen was advertising 99 cent hot dogs. I imagined going there and still ordering like 4 of them, and that's not something I'll be able to do. It will be hard for me to accept that the MAXIMUM amount of food I'll ever eat at a time again in my life is 1 cup. According to the diet my program goes by, the maximum I should ever have is 5 ounces, which is a little over half a cup. After spending a lifetime overeating, it's hard to imagine and hard to accept. I love food, and that's how I got to be this big.

Anyway, I am VERY excited to start my mushy phase tomorrow, even though it will last for 3 weeks...but at least I'll have more options than with the liquid diet. I already have my menu planned out for tomorrow (following the quantities for my program):

Breakfast
1 Tbsp scrambled egg
1 Tbsp corned beef hash

Lunch
1 1/2 Tbsp pureed roast beef/gravy
2 Tbsp mashed potato
2 Tbsp mango baby food (I didn't want to puree my own fruit or veggies)

Supper
1 1/2 Tbsp refried beans
2 Tbsp salsa (probably less since there's less beans)
2 Tbsp mango or applesauce

I'm soooo looking forward to it!

Ouch!

I have read many blogs and posts on LBT, but most people said how minimal the pain was after surgery, and that Liquid Tylenol took care of it mostly. So imagine my surprise when last night, I couldn't sit or lie down comfortably at all. I'm in almost constant pain. Not very strong, but constant. Tylenol doesn't help at all. Maybe I just have a low pain tolerance, but I've gotten so little sleep and I'm just exhausted. I know I'm not drinking as much as I should be, so now I'm afraid of getting dehydrated. I've drunk maybe 8 or 10 ounces of Crystal Light since I got home yesterday, plus my 1 oz chicken broth and 1 oz jello. My surgeon's associate told me to call if needed something stronger for the pain, but he didn't tell me who to call over the weekend, so I ended up calling the program coordinator. She told me to call the office's answering service, and some other doctor called me back. I told him I was still in a lot of pain but he refused to give me a prescription. He basically talked down to me and told me that I should expect to have pain after any surgery. Well, thanks. So now my stomach hurts from the surgery, my back hurts from trying to get comfortable (and I can't lie comfortably on my back because of my weight), and I'm just miserable.

I don't want to scare anyone away from having the surgery, but I wish someone would have warned me that I could be in a lot more pain than I planned on. The doctor who called me back today told me it could take up to a week to 10 days for the pain to subside. I'm just hoping I can go back to work Monday like I planned, I don't want to waste all my vacation time sitting around useless in pain. I'm forcing down some jello now even though I don't feel like it. I can't tell if I'm hungry or what now, my stomach keeps gurgling everything around and making noise and such. I know once this starts healing it will all be worth it, but I at least wish I could get some sleep to get away from the pain.

I'm Alive!

Everything went really well for the surgery. We got there on time yesterday (6 AM) and everything went exactly as scheduled, no hold-ups at all. There was a little confusion with the anesthesiologist about whether or not I have a CPAP machine, but it didn't hold anything up. I wasn't nervous at all most of the morning while I was getting ready, but once they separated me and Matt and had him go wait while they took me to the holding area, THEN I got nervous. My anesthesiologist spoke a mile a minute and I could barely understand what he was saying, and I was praying none of it was important for me to know! My surgeon came and spoke to me for a very few minutes, I don't know if that's normal or if he's holding the whole fiasco with another of his patients against me. Who knows. Either way, they wheeled me in for surgery after hooking up my IV at 7:30 exactly, and after a few minutes of strapping me to the table and everyone running around, I just passed out, no warning at all. Hehe. When I woke up, it was after 9 AM and my stomach HURT. Not horribly, but enough that I kept asking when the pain meds would kick in. Morphine is so wonderful. I had to stay in the recovery room until about noon, and I kept fighting off sleepiness because I wanted them to move me up to my room ASAP so I could see Matt again. I slept most of the afternoon after they moved me and made sure everything was okay and sending Matt to go eat some lunch. He wasn't allowed to stay overnight with me since I had a roommate, and I was really lonely since I was only sleeping on and off during the night. The nurses kept forgetting about me when I needed things, like the IV bag changed or when I could have ice again. My mouth was soooo dry and they only let me have a medicine cup of ice every 4 hours.

They wouldn't weigh me before my surgery yesterday, so I have no idea how much weight I lost with the pre-op diet. They only weighed me today, and according to that, I gained 2 pounds, but they said that it was because of the 4 bags of fluids that they kept pumping into me and that nobody says they lost weight when they are weighed at that point. Pfft. I need to order a scale this week so I can keep track myself.

The sorest spot on my stomach is where I think my port is, and I think I was expecting it to be on my left side, but it's on my right? I dunno. My bandages are in a nice little row, 4 all next to each other, and then 1 is kind of under my breast. I went home around 1:30 today and they made me wean off of the morphine all this morning, so I'm very sore and the Liquid Tylenol isn't helping. I tried to take a nap with Matt, but since I can't sleep well on my back and it hurts too much for my side or stomach, it didn't work very well. I might end up sleeping on the couch until the pain goes away so I can be propped up.

They had to take blood from my artery in the wrist for blood gas levels and for the two samples they needed, yesterday and today, they poked me a total of NINE times. If you've ever had this done, you know how painful it is since they didn't numb me for it and they had to keep poking around. Ouch!

I'm on my liquids today, and I thought I'd be hungry with only 2 oz. of liquid at a meal, but I just have more of a dry mouth than anything. I hope the soreness goes away before I have to go back to work Monday. I have to go see my surgeon again in 10 days for the check-up. So far, everything seems to be on track, though. My vitals have been really good everytime the nurse checked, they were impressed with my recovery, especially since they were expecting me not to be able to walk around very well because of my size. I don't have any problems walking and they were really surprised when I just got up, and the only problem I had was a little dizziness and nausea. They didn't make me do a swallow test, though, which seems strange when I read everyone else having to do it. Ah well. I don't really feel anything around my stomach area itself, is that normal? I only really feel the incisions and port.

Thanks for your support, everyone, and I'll keep you up to date!

I'm Really Having Surgery

June 12 is fast approaching and I can't believe how fast the 6 weeks went. I never did get back on the all-liquid diet, BUT I definitely stuck to my guns on a 2-shakes and 1 small meal plan, so I don't feel horrible. Sure, I won't have lost the 15-20 pounds I was hoping, but that's why I'm getting the Band to begin with! Had I really tried to keep with just shakes, I KNOW I would have binged binged binged...I become obsessed with food when I know I can't have it, especially when I knew that I didn't HAVE to do this diet. I don't have a scale so I have no idea if I lost any weight. I'm hoping I lost at least 5-10 pounds, but at long as I lost SOMETHING I won't feel like the diet was in vain.

I'm a little nervous that my surgery will be postponed, though. I finished my medical clearance with my doctor and I found out that I had a urinary tract infection, so they put me on 3-day antibiotics, which I finished this morning, and I hope they'll just accept that I was treated for it and continue as planned. I'm also nervous about the sleep apnea part, my surgery coordinator called me and said that my pulminologist will have to be absolutely clear about me not having my own CPAP and using the hospital equipment for surgery, and she said they usually want people on the machine for 2-3 weeks before surgery. I passed this information on to my doc and I hope it all works out. I will be so pissed if I went through all this and waited so long and to have it postponed over those two little things.

I probably won't post again until after I get home from the surgery on Friday unless something goes wrong (gets cancelled, postponed, etc.) so no news is good news!

See you on the bandwagon!

Liquid Diet...Day 4

I promised both myself and my fiance that I would not lie while going through this process. I spent most of my life lying to my mother about what I have eaten and constantly hiding and sneaking food. I started my liquid diet on Thursday, and now I understand "head hunger" better than ever. Originally, I was going to do 2 protein shakes and a small meal each day. Then I decided to do the all liquid diet (allowing myself one light yogurt per day with it) because most people have to do it anyway and I really want to drop some weight before the surgery.

So...did I keep with it? I'm on Day 4, and I failed 4 days. Not horribly, mind you (well maybe Friday). This is what I ate OUTSIDE of the protein shakes and my 1 yogurt:

Thursday: super hungry, decided with fiance that I wanted to go back to 2 shakes, 1 meal. Had my one meal of a Homestyle Bakes Chicken Fried Rice, which wasn't fried at all, so it wasn't too bad, and 1 sugar-free Klondike ice cream sandwich.

Friday: I decided I wanted to go back to just shakes because I was afraid of not losing weight with the meals. What did I do after work? I stopped at Wendy's on the way home, a chicken club sandwich and a Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger. I wasn't even that hungry all day, it was ALL head hunger. I just wanted to eat. Later that night, I ate a small frozen pizza (thin crust) and half of a ham and ricotta calzone. Now I don't feel so bad though, I just looked up the nutritional info and I still only ate about 1600 or 1700 calories, so I guess it's not a complete sabotage. I felt so guilty though that I swore I would keep with the diet.

Saturday: I didn't do too bad! I wasn't very hungry, but I did give in to head hunger and had a sugar-free Klondike Crunch ice cream bar, and I did that instead of eating something much worse for me. Still not as good as I wanted though.

Sunday: Since I did so well yesterday, I thought I would do perfectly today. I had Chinese in my mind all morning though. Thankfully, after dropping Matt off at work, the Chinese place was still closed, so I went straight home. But then, I had 4 boneless buffalo wings and some leftover chicken and rice--and I couldn't finish it all, so that's a plus. But, I also had a few Pocky sticks, which are basically these really thin buscuit sticks dipped in chocolate. I did stop myself though, I could have eaten a whole box of them but I only ate 2 out of the 7 little packs in the box. I think it's harder for me to focus when Matt isn't home because it's easier to cheat, which was Friday night, yesterday, and today. This week he will be home every night, and I can't cheat at all at work because my coworkers all know I'm on the diet. I hate making promises now because I keep breaking them, but this week I am going to try try try to stick with it.

Besides the diet, I spoke with my pulminologist about the sleep study. He said even if I would require a CPAP, I wouldn't need to get one for the surgery itself because they have all the equipment at the hospital. And I wouldn't buy one AFTER the surgery, so I'm all good. If I have to live with it for one night after my surgery, I don't mind.

Pray for me!

Well, That Sucked

I had my sleep study Thursday night. Now, this whole time before it I wasn't worried, because I know that I don't have breathing problems when I sleep on my stomach and side like I normally do. Hell, I was even excited when the technician told me that they just got new Temperpedic beds that day, and I have been dying to try one. Then he dashed all my hopes and dreams: he told me I had to sleep on my back the entire night. I can't sleep on my back, it's mostly a comfort thing. On a normal mattress, my butt is so big that it props up my hips and lower body and it's just not comfortable. Well, that wasn't an issue with the Temperpedic at least--my butt sank into the foam and my back was straight. Well, almost--a few hours into the study, after not being really tired enough to fall asleep anyway, the center of my back right under my lungs starting hurting like a mofo. After that, I kept waking up, then my arms started hurting because they weren't in comfortable positions either. At this point I noticed that I was breathing shallower than normal, but attributed it to discomfort and bad sleep.

So halfway through the study, he came in to put the CPAP mask on me. By now my back was hurting so bad that I couldn't go back to sleep. When he was putting the mask on, he told me that I didn't stop breathing at all, but that I was breathing very shallowly, which is still a form of sleep apnea and that the mask should help. I asked him if it could be due to the pain I was experiencing, and he just kept saying how the mask would help. I sat up for a few minutes to relieve my back, then it still took me awhile to go back to sleep. I finally got about 2 hours of unbroken sleep after that, though, but my back wasn't hurting as bad, either.

If someone is in pain and it happens to be under their ribcage, people usually don't breathe as deeply when they're in pain. I'm still convinced that my shallow breathing was because of my back pain and not because I have sleep apnea. So now I'm going to call my doctor on Tuesday and ask if this means I'll have to get a CPAP machine for the surgery. On the questionnaire I had to fill out in the morning after the study, they asked if I would use the machine at home if I had one, and I honestly said no. I don't sleep on my back, the mask is uncomfortable and I don't feel like I breathe as good with it on as I normally do. I don't have any breathing problems when I normally sleep, so why would I go out of my way to sleep uncomfortably on my back with a stupid machine on? Pffft. If I have to use the machine for surgery, fine, I understand, but my insurance better cover this thing 100% or it's a complete waste of my money for something I'll never use again.

Getting Ready For Surgery And Accepting Things

I get my Lap-Band exactly one month from tomorrow. Now that I finally have a date, I'm actually getting nervous. I'm not afraid of the surgery itself or recovery or anything; what I am afraid of is What if it doesn't work? What if I go through all of this, spend about $1000 in this process, and it just doesn't work? Yes, yes, I know the Lap-Band is a tool, not a miracle, and you have to work with it, but I've never been able to maintain weight loss, much less ever get to a normal weight. I know I have some unrealistic expectation, or really, I don't realize just how much I have to lose. I have to lose almost 300 pounds to get to a "normal" BMI. 300 pounds. I want to be able to at least wear a size 24 again, so I can actually buy non-stretchy clothes in a store, but I know that the last time I could comfortably wear, say, a size 24 pair of jeans, I weighed about 290. So I have to lose 150 pounds before I can even wear normal PLUS SIZE clothing! How on earth did I let my weight get so out of control? I've never had this self-hatred of my body like a lot of overweight people do, I've always been pretty comfortable with myself. I guess it takes the possibility of actually losing weight to realize just how much I have to lose. My grandfather used to weigh about 350 years ago (before getting put in a nursing home) and everyone in my family thought he was huge. My mother has no idea how much I weigh, and I think she'd literally have a panic attack if she knew. Granted, I think I carry my weight well. I have no concept of how big I look, but I imagine that just because of my distribution, I probably don't like too much over 300-350. But again, that's me, and that also hearkens back to the post I made about thinking I look smaller than I do in pictures.

So one of the things I really wanted to post about here is that I found a workout that I can do without too much exhaustion, no back pain, and fairly enjoyable: someone on LapBandTalk recommended Leslie Sansone's "Walk Away The Pounds" video series as exercise for very overweight bandsters. I downloaded a few programs and WOW, it's awesome! It's basically walking in place and adding side-steps, knee lifts, and small kicks in with it. It's simple movements, I can keep up, it doesn't wear me out too much, but I still feel like I got a good workout afterwards. When I pushed myself to step out further, use my arms more, etc. last night, I was sweating, panting, and truly felt that good workout exhaustion afterwards. It's split up into "miles" - how many steps and such it would take to walk a mile and she tells you when you've hit the mile markers. So far, I've been able to do a mile and a little more. I like that I have more that I can work up to (one of the programs goes to 4 miles) and it will help me get past the "too big to workout" hump once I start losing weight and then I can actually use the gym at my job.

As I'm mentally preparing myself for surgery, I've finally accepted something that I've been achingly holding out on regarding the Lap-Band. In the back of my head, I knew this was going to happen, but it finally hit me. On LapBandTalk, another of my fellow bigger-than-average bandsters said the following: The one thing I will say is don't go in to it thinking you can eat anything you want - just less of it. I heard that a lot starting out and it does work to a point. BUT if you continue to eat high calorie foods, you can't continue to lose weight it is simple science. As much as I didn't want this to be a diet it is or at least it is for me. When my dietician told me that my program does not allow rice, potatoes, pasta, and sugar, I KNEW I wasn't going to follow that. I can't, it's impossible. Besides, rice and potatoes, prepared correctly, are supposed to be healthy foods. I'm not a carb addict like they actually say that obese people are, but if I deny myself something for too long rather than just eat it in moderation, I'll binge horribly. Now, the last few months I kept telling Matt that I would still eat what I want, and yes, just less of it. But...I have 300 pounds to lose. I'm not going to lose it by eating bad foods. I DO NOT want to be on a diet for the next few years, and I refuse to. Diets don't work for me. If diets did work, I wouldn't be here. So here is what I've accepted of myself, and I think it's a fair compromise: I will eat what I want, just less of it, BUT I will also make healthier choices when I can. Like switching ground turkey for ground beef, using low sodium cream soups in my casseroles, finding seasonings with less sodium (if I keep using Adobo, I will stay a blimp, the amount of sodium in it is HUGE--by the way, anyone know of a Low Sodium Adobo or where I can get it?) If I insist on sweets, I found these Weight Watchers desserts. I can eat what I like and still lose weight if I'm just making an effort to eat healthier. I know Matt won't mind if I make little adjustments to my recipes. I can still bake for him when I want to, I know I can control myself and not eat 5 or 6 cookies (like I did today after baking sour cream cookies). I KNOW when I'm about to eat something I shouldn't and I make the conscious choice to eat it anyway.

Okay, amendment #1: Last Supper Syndrome ends TODAY. I've been purposely eating things I shouldn't be just because I still can. No more.

Amendment #2: I need to work out more often than just when Matt isn't home. I know he won't make fun of me, so what am I afraid of?

Sorry for the rant, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and needed to get it out! My darling furbaby Dusty just jumped up on me so I need to go attend to his every whim and then I'm going to work out again!

Grr...Sleep Study

Sorry this is a little late, but my internet at work has been officially cut off. I saw my pulminologist Monday and he seems like a really nice guy, I had a chest x-ray done and a breathing test, he said my lungs are great and all and he doesn't think I have sleep apnea, but since my BMI is so high, the anesthesiologist requires a sleep study before surgery. Blah. But apparently my insurance will cover everything, no copay or anything, which makes me feel a little better. I was supposed to wait for the sleep lab to call me to schedule it, but after a few days, my surgery coordinator told me not to wait any longer and just call them, since they've been so booked lately she wanted to make sure I got it done in time and got the results before surgery. At first, they couldn't schedule me until June 9th...which is only 3 days before my surgery. Even with a rush on the results, they couldn't guarantee that they'd have it before my surgery. Since I didn't have much choice, I agreed to it. Good news though, yesterday they called me and they had a cancellation, so now it's on May 22nd, which gives plenty of time to get the results (it takes about 2 weeks usually, I have no idea why that long). It should go fine though, neither myself nor the pulminologist think I have sleep apnea, so big deal. Worst comes to worst, I'll just have to have a CPAP during the surgery. Whoopdeedoo. Not like I'd use it at home anyway, and my insurance should cover it.

Counting down the weeks!

June 12 Is The Big Day!

Friday I had my dietician and psych appointments. Both went very smooth since I already knew 90% of what they were telling me--except for the fact that my program does not allow fills until THREE MONTHS post-op! What the hell? I have never heard of anyone having to wait that long for a fill unless they didn't need one. I complained heftily to the Program Coordinator (who also did the psych appointment) and she said that as long as I follow their meal plan and make a true effort to change my eating habits and I'm STILL hungry after 4-6 weeks, they'll consider giving me a fill earlier if I need one. The dietician said that given my "size," they'll probably need to add more planned snacks into my diet so I won't be hungry. Well if you want to shove more food down my throat to keep me full, why not just GIVE ME A FILL? It's not rocket science! The point of the band is to reduce what you eat, what the hell is the point if they want to just make you eat more rather than give you a fill, which is the whole purpose of an adjustable band. Oh well. If I have problems getting a fill during Bandster Hell and they refuse to cooperate, I'll take my fill business elsewhere. After my surgery, I won't put up with BS from that office anymore.

Anyways, on with the good news: I got my surgery date, June 12th! And it's at 7:30 AM so I won't have to wait around all day. Matt already took off the 12th and 13th so he can be with me. Also, I just scheduled it Friday and the surgery coordinator called me at 10:30 this morning to tell me my insurance already approved it! I haven't heard of anyone getting approved THAT fast, she just called the insurance this morning so it must have been basically instantanious. Awesome, though! All I have to pay is $250 for the surgery and one night in the hospital.

I have my pulminologist appointment today and I'm pray pray praying he doesn't make me do a sleep study, I've had one done years ago and I hate it, plus I don't know exactly what my insurance would cover for it.

After today, assuming I don't need a sleep study, all I have to do is see my PCP to verify that I'm cleared to have surgery, and that's it! I had a lot of hurdles so far, but now it seems the road is smoothing out.

Now We're Getting Somewhere.

So in the next week I'll have 3 of my appointments knocked out of the way. Friday I see my nutritionist and psychologist and I'll get to schedule my surgery date! Next Monday I will see my pulminologist and pray that I don't have to go through a sleep study (I really want to spend as little money as possible for everything). I had to keep food journals for the past week for my upcoming appointments, and it was soooo tempting to cheat and not write down everything or say I ate something healthier. But I have to admit, it was helpful in a few ways. I realized that the days that I'm hungry all the freaking time are the days I only had oatmeal for breakfast. If I had a bigger breakfast, I wasn't as hungry for the entire day. Now the problem I found with this is that I started eating not-so-great food for breakfast that was fast and filling (hot dogs, lately..) because I don't know what I can make fast and have it fill me up that's better for me. This is something I plan to ask my nutritionist just to get me through until my surgery. The other thing I realized is that at first I was using fitday.com for my journals but it got to be too time-consuming to enter in all the nutritional info for foods they didn't have in their database. Buuut, in the few days I did record things on there, I found out that my favorite breakfast from Burger King has almost 2,000 calories so I stopped going, cold turkey. It's hard though, it was really probably my favorite meal from fast food places any time of the day.

Hopefully I'll have more to report after my round of appointments, I'm sorry it's been slow-going, but I'll have more to post about soon!

The Ball Is Rolling...

Yesterday I finally had my first meeting with my surgeon. My appointment was scheduled for 3:15 PM, they called me around 2 to tell me he was running about 30 minutes late, so I got there around 3:30, expecting to still have my appointment at 3:45. Around 5:30, I finally get in to see him, and that's only after they moved me ahead of someone else who was waiting longer than I was! I felt bad, but I was the only one who still had to go back to work that time of the day (I work until 7 PM right now). The surgeon, Dr. Weber, apologized profusely about the wait and I kept saying it was okay, but he insisted it wasn't and he was sincerely sorry for it. That made me feel better already. Then I explained to him the difficulty I had getting in to see him. When I told him that it took 3 weeks to get the first appointment, he looked furious and started writing this all down. He told me new patients are supposed to get in within 1 week, 2 at the very latest. Then I told him that they called me the day of my first appointment to reschedule because he went home early. He dropped his pen and told me that he never leaves early, he always stays until everyone has been seen. Then I told him that it took me another 2 weeks of waiting for the rescheduled appt. and he told me that he was incredibly pissed and was so sorry that I had to go through this. He wrote it all down and asked if he could use my name when he went to bitch at the Office Manager. Hell yes, I said. Especially knowing now that his staff lied to me when they said he went home early.

So all in all, he's a very nice guy. I was surprised, though. They weighed me (the first time in 1.5 years on a scale, last time was 407, and I was pleasantly surprised to find out I was only 444, I could have sworn that I gained more than that since I moved to NY, but I also know I must have lost weight lately too). I know I had to fill out a survey and give them my medical records, but there was no discussion of whether or not I should have the surgery or if I was a candidate. He just told me what they do during the surgery and what I have to do from here to get everything done. That was it. Even though he still had 3 or 4 people waiting, he never rushed and took time to explain all my questions. I could have scheduled my surgery right there, but I have to wait and see how money pans out until my fiance gets a new job. He said it's usually a 6-week wait between scheduling and the actual surgery. I still have to see a nutritionist, psychologist, pulminologist, and my PCP before the surgery, but it's doable.

I think I'm going to stay with this guy just because he was so nice, and I think if I tell him I have any further scheduling problems, he'll make my appointments for me :P

So here we go...I'm going to try to get my appointments done in the next month, hopefully I can have the surgery in May yet.

Grrr...

So today was supposed to be my first consultation. The office just called me to reschedule since the surgeon has to leave early today...and rescheduled it for APRIL 2ND. WTF? I had to wait about 3 weeks to get THIS appointment and now I have to wait another two weeks?! I was warned about this office by a fellow Bandster who used him; it's hard to get in to see them. Now I'm starting to wonder if I should just try to get the referral for the out-of-network doctor I originally wanted to see. If this is any indication what it's going to be like for post-surgery care and fills, I don't want to wait weeks and weeks every time, especially for fills.

I was going to have to slow down the process anyway since my fiancee just got suspended from his job (and most likely going to lose it soon) and we have to conserve money, but I still wanted to get this first appointment rolling.

Timing lately has sucked.

Reverse Anorexia?

So, I said I probably wouldn't post until my appointment next Tuesday, but I've been dealing with a head issue for a few weeks now that I wanted to get down in writing.

When I look in the mirror, I don't see myself as big as I really am. The reason I called this "Reverse Anorexia" is that anorexics always see themselves fatter than they really are--and I see myself thinner. When I see photos of myself, I get very confused, because it's not what I see in the mirror. My chin looks twice as big in photos, and my body looks much bigger as well. I told Matt about this one night and the next day I did an experiment: while looking in the mirror, I held up the camera with one hand and held perfectly still and took the picture. And guess what? I looked completely different in the picture even though I was watching myself as I took it, which gets rid of the theory that I pose differently for pictures than when I look in the mirror. We've all heard that "the camera adds 10 pounds" but trust me, you wouldn't be able to tell 10 pounds on me.

So what's up with that?

Getting Started

A little bit about myself before I get to talking about why I'm here. I'm 23 years old, engaged to a wonderful man (Matt) who accepts me completely as I am, I have my BA in English/Creating Writing, and a great job working in Litigation Support. Currently, my fiance and I are moving out of the apartment we share with his best friend from high school (and his girlfriend that stays over on the weekends, who I won't even get into) and into a beautiful, expensive, apartment for just us and our 3 cats. About a year ago, I moved from Dubuque, Iowa, to Yonkers, New York, where I am right now.

You wouldn't know any of this if you saw me walking down the street. All you would know is that I'm a fat chick. I'm not calling myself fat in the same way most girls my age would--the "Freshman Fifteen" was nothing for me. The last time I was weighed about a year and a half ago, which was the last time I was in a doctor's office that had a scale that went past 350, I weighed a whopping 407 pounds. I have no idea how much I weigh right now, but I'm fairly sure I weigh more than that. How much more? Well, I'll find out March 18th. Why then? Because that will be my first appointment with Dr. Philip Weber of New York Bariatrics. I am going for a consultation on getting the Lap-Band surgery.

I saw the commercials for the Lap-Band years ago on TV, but at the time, I was still in school and still living with my mom, so it was out of the question. I researched it back then, but ultimately decided I didn't want surgery at that point. In January of my freshman year of college, I went all out losing weight: I only ate one meal a day or less than 20 grams of fat, worked out religiously (7 days a week, 1/2 hour a day for about 1.5 months until my doctor recommended 1 hour a day), and I lost 55 pounds by the end of May. Back then, I went from 340 lbs. to 285.

So what happened? Well, I went home for the summer. My mom was "overweight" most of her life until she gave birth to me (where she went down to 110 lbs), and to her, wearing a size 16 as she did was considered very overweight. Needless to say, my mom always had issues with me being overweight, so when the time came that I actually lost a lot, she wasn't sure how to support me. Instead of encouraging me to continue, she would chastise me if I deviated at all from the diet I had set for myself. She made me feel like crap and so deprived of food that when I went back to school the following fall, I ate the way most people eat their FIRST year of college--pizza, nachos, Mountain Dew by the case, everything that I worked so hard to avoid before filled the angry hole in my stomach. I don't really blame my mom, it was my own fault that I lost my willpower after her negative comments the entire summer. After that, I tried to get back into exercising a few different times throughout college, but I never regained the drive I had before. I gained like crazy. Not only did I put on all the weight I had lost, but if you've been following my numbers, I put on about 122 pounds between August 2003 and August 2006.

Back to the Lap-Band. My fiance and I are starting to plan our wedding, and when I was looking around online for wedding dresses, I realized that I couldn't even order from a plus-size store anymore. A size 32 is the highest one place goes, and I can't even fit into that anymore. I have no idea what size I wear, I wear 26/28 clothing and it has to be stretchy. I haven't worn anything that doesn't stretch in years. I know that I can't wear a 32 though because last summer, I bought a red trench coat for a costume (Carmen Sandiego) and I purposely bought it a little bigger since I knew I didn't wear a 28. Well, I couldn't even button the 32, there was at least 4-5 inches to go in the smallest parts of my body.

I purposely found an apartment (our new one) that was on the ground floor (or had elevators, this one just happens to be on the first floor). We live on the 3rd floor right now and I'm always reluctant to make multiple trips to the car after shopping or carrying things up the steps because I get so out of breath. I have problems sleeping at night because my body gets sore with all the weight. I feel ridiculous everytime I fly back to Iowa to visit and have to ask the flight attendant for a seat belt extender and apologize to whoever ends up having to sit next to me. I'm fairly healthy right now, I don't have diabetes or high blood pressure or anything else like that, but I know it can't be far off.

I want to fit into a wedding dress.

Starting our new lives together is the perfect opportunity for me to have the Lap-Band. My insurance will cover most of the costs, we'll have an apartment that is convenient for my recovery, and our new neighborhood is more walker-friendly, nice and flat roads versus the hills our current apartment resides on. I don't plan on telling my family about the band. My mom couldn't support me when I was doing it "on my own" so I don't want to know what she'd say about me giving up and having surgery. Too many people see Weight Loss Surgery (WLS) as "the easy way out" when they don't realize how hard it is to lose weight when you can barely get around. The Lap-Band doesn't make you lose weight. It HELPS you lose weight. As said so many times before, it is a tool to help you learn better eating habits. Basically, a ring is wrapped around your upper stomach to make a pouch--this is what gets full when you eat, then it slowly moves through the opening and into the rest of your stomach. The result is that you get fuller MUCH faster when you eat, and stay fuller longer.

So that's where I am right now. I don't know how soon I'll be able to have the surgery once I get the ball rolling, since there is a lot of out-of-pocket expense that I wasn't counting on, but I'm hoping sometime in April I'll be an official Bandster. I probably won't have much to add until the appointment on the 18th, so I'll see you then!