Nope, Doesn't Fix The Head

The slogan in my bariatric office is something like "We can fix your body, but we can't fix your head." So very true.

Whether this is my usual post-fill restriction or if I'm finally on my way to STAYING restricted, I don't know yet, but the fact is that it's there right now. And it's hard for me to deal with mentally. I love food, it's that simple. There is very little psychological background to my obesity, just the fact that I love love love food. I could spend my entire day thinking about food and planning what I want for meals or what I would order if we went to this restaurant or that, etc. Somedays I actually regret the lapband and hate restriction because it means I can't eat all that I want to. I know I need to refocus my brain to stop thinking about food all the time and find healthier things to preoccupy me. I recently started a new hobby and that's been helping, but right now my battle with restriction is still in the forefront of my mind.

I posted this on LBT this morning in my "surgery month" forum where we just talk about day-to-day things with our bands and new lives, and it seemed appropriate for my blog as well:

I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow morning for the first time after my fill last week. I'm hoping I can finally break the 400 pound barrier! I'm still struggling a little bit with learning the difference between feeling full or if something just isn't going down smoothly. I'm afraid I'm mistaking the feelings for the latter and then just forcing food down my band or stretching my pouch.

Why am I so afraid of being hungry? I seem to eat more than I have to because I'm afraid of getting hungry too soon later on. It's the same reason I still over-order at restaurants and such, I'm always afraid it won't be enough, because that's how it's felt my entire life.

I am slowly learning though. This morning I ordered a breakfast sandwich from the cafeteria in my building and I kept staring at the "home fries" in the warmer. It's so hard to convince myself that I don't need more than the sandwich--in fact, I ate half of the sandwich and put the rest in the fridge (even though I wanted to finish it), and now I have breakfast for tomorrow. I think I could have actually stopped after a few bites, but it's the same thing as what I just said; I don't know if it was because a bite didn't go down well, or because I'm full enough. So frustrating.

I'm also going to try to make it out for a walk after work, but it's supposed to storm. The forecast for pretty much the next week is rain, and I'm tired of it! We've had more rainy days this summer than sunny ones, which is unusual for this area.

Also, last night, I had some leftover pasta and usually I can eat the whole tupperware container, which I believe is 2 cups? After maybe 1/2 of a cup, I felt like I was full. But, stupid me, I didn't think that was enough food, so I kept going. I still stopped and had some left in the container once I felt absolutely and truly full, but I think it was way beyond full at that point.

My goal is that someday I really will believe the saying "Eat to live, don't live to eat."