Yeah...

I fell back into my usual pattern of if I'm not exercising and not eating the greatest, I just don't post. I hadn't taken a walk since I hurt myself last Saturday, until today. I meant to a few times, but between rain and just not wanting to, it didn't get done. We had Subway Thursday (not too bad), Buffalo Wild Wings Friday (I had the sampler appetizer instead of getting the usual appetizer + main dish, which helped, but still over 1000 calories), and I just HAD to have McD's yesterday (Mac Snack Wrap and McFlurry) and today (2 cheeseburgers and McFlurry). What on earth has gotten into me? It's like I just jumped into a well the last week and I have no desire to get out.

Today I did get out and walk, I only did a mile though because I felt sleepy in the heat and I was very very sluggish. I'm trying to figure out why I'm so lethargic lately, and I did jog twice, but my legs felt so weird, very weak and wobbly. My lower left leg was hurting just a tiny bit as well again, which worries me. This just means I really need to make an effort to get walking again, I have never felt so physically weak since I started walking/exercising all those months ago.

I also need to go back to NO fast food, unless absolutely necessary--no more satisfying cravings. No more cookies with my lunch, no more Taan flat things to supplement my lunch. I'm going too far out of my way to please my stomach instead of the scale.

Also, I really have to give up tortillas, completely. Unless I'm so so careful, they just keep giving me problems with getting stuck, no matter how much I try to deny it and keep trying to eat them. Sigh.

Yup, That Was A Bad Idea

After my stupid idea yesterday, my left ankle, the front of my leg above the ankle, and my right knee were hurting yesterday and today. I decided to take today off because, worst case scenario, I could have a stress fracture and I don't want to make it worse--even if it's just soreness, it wouldn't have been a good idea to work it again today. DH's coworker (who is a Marine and a gym rat), suggested to take two days off to let it heal, so tomorrow is out too. It's funny, most of the time I try to get out of walking, but now that I -can't-, I want to and I miss it.

DH picked up a new cookbook called "Eating Well After Weight Loss Surgery" by Patt Levine. I haven't looked at it too much yet, but every recipe has nutrition information, portion size for LB, bypass, and DS surgeries, and instructions for puree and mushy stages. Pretty cool. I'll let you all know when I find some good recipes!

Really Really Bad Idea

First off, I didn't post yesterday because I gained 3 pounds. I really don't understand how, because I watched what I ate most of the week and rarely actually finished my dinner every night and I walked a total of 9.5 miles this week. I think it may have been bad timing when I weighed myself (couldn't go number 2 beforehand...), but it's really no excuse. I didn't walk Thursday because it was pouring outside, and yesterday DH and I had some errands to run after I picked him up from work. Then, around 12:30 AM last night, a friend was visiting and we had pizza. I had a handful of boneless buffalo wings and 3 pieces of pizza. The worst part was that I wasn't even hungry.

This morning, I tried to make up for it. I did 3 miles, running at EVERY 1/4 mile mark, WITH weights, but no water. Shortly after I passed the first mile, I started getting really exhausted. After 1.5 miles, my right upper arm/shoulder started hurting so bad from carrying the weight. At that point I stopped doing reps with the weights, but I didn't have a choice but to carry them anyway. And I kept doing my running intervals because crazily enough, I didn't feel so crappy when I was running. Probably kept my mind off the exhaustion for those 30 seconds. By the time I got back to my car, I just collapsed in the seat. I was walking sooo slow from the car back to the apartment when I got home, and now I don't want to move from my chair.

So, lesson learned. I can't take my weights if I'm doing 3 miles. If I'm going to do running intervals for 3 miles, I have to take water. It probably would have helped too if I had something to eat before I went out walking, it was about 9 AM and I hadn't had breakfast yet.

The good thing was that the people out at 9 AM are much friendlier than the rest of the day. Everyone smiles and says hello. With about 3/4 of a mile left, I noticed a big difference when people started getting snootier and ignore the other people on the trail.

Ugh, Tough Walk

I don't know if it's because I haven't used my weights in over a week, but tonight's walk/run was hard on me, I was out of breath for a good portion of it. My muscles also got tired a lot faster during my weight reps. I'm soooo exhausted, but it's good, because it means I worked hard tonight. It takes me about 45 minutes to do the 2 miles when I do my running intervals, versus my usual 52ish minutes. Not bad. I finally have something of a routine:

0-1/4 mile: 60 reps of pulling my arms up in a V from my waist to shoulders.
1/4 mile: 30 second run
1/4 - 1/2 mile: 30 reps on each arm of bicep curls
1/2 mile: 30 second run
1/2 - 3/4 mile: 30 reps on each arm, arms hanging down and swinging, pushing back further to work the muscle on the back of my arm (hard to explain)
3/4 mile: 30 second run
3/4 - 1 mile: 30 reps on each arm of lifting straight up (shoulder to full extension)
Turn around at 1 mile, 30 second jog right away, and start over.

Sorry I don't know if there are any names for some of these, I just kind of made up the muscle workouts depending on what worked my muscles well.

I was a little off on food today. I wanted a "real" breakfast (not oatmeal) so I got a ham, egg, and cheese on a roll instead of a wrap. Now, I don't know why, because I knew I didn't need it, but I got some potatoes as well. I still have a pre-lapband brain in regards to thinking I need more food to get full than I do.

I ate half my sandwich and maybe 3/4 of the potatoes and knew I was full enough at that point. But, me being the stupid me I am, I ate the rest of it. Thankfully, I didn't feel sick and wasn't painfully full when I was done. However, I didn't eat my lunch until 3:30, and I wasn't even hungry then, I just wanted to make sure I didn't get too hungry later on during my walk. I also had 2 small cookies at work, which I don't know why, because I wasn't hungry. I never take the cookies when my boss is in the room, because last time she saw me doing it she asked how my diet was going, and I don't need that. So I think I just take advantage of when she's not in the room, whether I really want a cookie or not (we have a "community" snack area). I did resist having a vanilla bean Frappaccino, which saved me 250 calories.

I'm just really glad I got my walk in, it seems lately I only get it in on Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and then don't have the urge to finish the week.

Pretty Good Day

I finally called my doctor (when my appt. was 3 weeks ago) to get my lab results. ALL of my tests were normal (blood sugar, thyroid, liver, etc etc) and my cholesterol is still a wonderful 154. Even my doctor is jealous of my cholesterol. I don't remember if I posted about this, but she told me when I was there that if she were to go out in the waiting room and point out who had the highest cholesterol in the room, she would have picked me, but she's continually amazed at how low it is. Meanwhile, my mom weighs somewhere between 120-130 and her cholesterol is over 200. Crazy world.

I went to the potluck tonight at my support group. I was a little nervous to see the dietician there, because I don't go to her anymore and I'm pretty sure she knows I fought to have it that way. It's nothing against her, the $75 cash every session just wasn't worth the knowledge she repeated that I had in my original surgery packet.

At first I was worried because nobody was taking my Oreo fluff, then I realized that people didn't take ANY sweet things the first time. Apparently I had skewed views of what a bariatric potluck would be--one trip to the food line and that was it, so I originally took a little of whatever I wanted and planned that that would be it. Everyone else went back for seconds and dessert. THEN the compliments came flying in! Everyone was surprised how good it was, even the dietician had a second helping of it. Some people had 3 helpings. Everyone kept asking how to make it, how good it was, etc., but the best compliments were the 3 people who told me they could never have it in their house, because it goes down TOO easily and they would be too tempted by it. But those same people said they would definitely take it to a function where other people would be eating it, because there wouldn't be anything left to take home! I was pleasantly surprised at how well received it was.

I plan to get my walk in tomorrow since I have time to kill before DH gets off work and it's not supposed to rain.

Ahhh, three days in a row

Yesterday I walked a full three miles! I'm so proud of myself that I can do it pretty easily. The only reason I don't do it everyday is because sometimes I just want to get home to DH or it just takes so long and I get bored.

Today it was storming right before I got off work, but it stopped raining when I got out. I took a risk and started walking, but it looked like it was going to start storming again, so I planned to do one mile. It seems like I can NEVER just do ONE mile. Got to the 1/2 mile mark and decided to keep going since it didn't start raining again yet. Then, a few minutes after that, the sun came out, almost like a reward for doing my full walk. I feel like I put more power into my muscles today as I walked, it was nice. I didn't finish any faster, but I feel like I got a better workout. I didn't run because the trail is blacktop; it was really slippery being so drenched from the storms today. I also didn't take my weights in fear of rain.

Tomorrow is my support group meeting's summer potluck and I'm taking low-fat Oreo fluff, made with crushed up reduced-fat Oreos, Cool Whip Free, and fat-free, sugar-free white chocolate pudding. I used to make the "regular" version a lot for picnics and such but I haven't tried it with low fat foods, we'll see how it works out.

Measurements

I finally got DH to take my measurements for me. I am only doing very basic measurements, because I don't want to get caught up too much with inches AND pounds. I regret not taking my measurements at surgery time, when I weighed 444.

My measurements right now at 406:

Bust: 62"
Waist: 56"
Stomach (somewhere between my waist and hips): 67"
Hips: 73"

Wowza. I have a lot of work ahead of me.

Who's Afraid of a Little Rain?

I've put off probably 60-75% of my walks in the last few weeks because of rain. It gets old using it as an excuse. Today, I was all pumped up for my walk, it was cloudy out but the Weather Channel said it wasn't supposed to rain. RIGHT as I was pulling into the parking lot at the trail, it started raining. I sat there for a few minutes, wondering if I should just go home or if I should get my ass out of the car. I also didn't feel well, my stomach started acting up a little bit before I left the house to take DH to work. So I decided to just do 1 mile, which was better than nothing.

I got to the 1/2 mile mark, where I was going to turn around, and decided I just wasn't tired enough yet to. So I made it to the 1 mile mark as usual, and then realized I could do better. I went out to the 1 1/4 mark before finally turning around, so I got 2.5 miles in today, AND I was doing my 30-second runs at each 1/4 mile mark. Rain, urpy stomach, and all. I didn't have my hand weights because I didn't know how awkward they would be to hang on to in the rain. I don't know if the rain made me feel refreshed or just gross. I was surprised to see so many people on the trail in the rain, they didn't seem to care.

My new iPod Shuffle arrived yesterday and after spending a few hours last night trying to get music onto it, it works fine now and it kept me company today about halfway through my walk, until it was raining too hard that I had to put it in my pocket so I didn't blow out the earphones or damage it. I love this because I don't need pockets or a free hand to listen to music now, when I had to bring my phone before.

Tomorrow's goal: 3 miles!

Bandiversary!

Today is my one-year Bandiversary. I also weighed myself this morning. I'm down to 406, which means a lot of things:

- I lost 9 pounds since my fill last Wednesday!
- My Bandiversary weight loss is 38 pounds--pretty disappointing, but I can't complain, considering all of the trouble I went through with fills. Hopefully I'm on the right track with my fills now.
- I'm at my lowest weight since August 2006, at which point I weighed 407. I've been upset lately that I got down to 408 at one point, but I could never seem to break that number. I'm going to try my hardest not to bounce back up!

It was storming this morning when I left for work, but it was really nice and pretty hot when I got out. I should have went for a walk, but I got out of work a little late and then I just didn't feel like it. It's supposed to rain this weekend, but the Weather Channel hasn't been the most reliable lately, so I'm going to try to get a walk in both days, and hopefully stick with it through the week.

Tuesday is a potluck at my support group, but unless I make something cold that I can keep in the fridge at work, I won't have time to make anything to take. If I can't take anything, I won't go, because that's always seem free-loady to me. I'm going to hunt around LBT later and see what I can come up with for cold foods.

First Food I Have To Give Up

It's official. I had to say goodbye to my favorite breakfast food from the cafeteria next to my office. For no other reason than "I wanted it," I got my usual ham, egg, and cheese wrap from the cafeteria yesterday morning. I got slightly stuck a few times, but nothing that didn't go down after a few seconds. Today, however, was the last time I'll be able to eat that food again, at least for a very long time.

About 1/4 of the way through it, I got stuck. Badly. It actually hurt--usually being "stuck" doesn't really hurt, just really uncomfortable. I started sliming really bad, and felt it coming back up. At that exact moment, my boss's boss sent me an instant message, and it was important work info, so I couldn't leave the computer. For about 10 minutes, I fought the stuff coming up my throat, swallowing it back down, and at one point, spitting a mouthful into some tissues and throwing it into the garbage. Finally, it settled back down. I went into a meeting then and came back to my wrap about 20 minutes later. So what did I do? I kept eating it. I have no idea why. At that point, I KNEW that I had to give it up, that it just doesn't work with my band, but I kept going anyway, because I wanted it. Made it through until about 1/4 was left, then had another massive stuck episode, just the same as the first one. I figured I could wait this one out too, since I made it through the first one without having to completely PB. It only took about 5 minutes to pass this time, but it was bad enough. So...I finished my wrap. It took me over 2 hours to finish the freaking thing, when I should have thrown it out after the first time getting stuck. It's like my brain just shut off for awhile.

I'll either have to stick to my oatmeal (which I should anyway; I just get bored with it sometimes and need real food), or figure out something else to get in the cafeteria that won't kill my pouch. The good thing (at least I have to think of it as a good thing) is that I wasn't hungry for the rest of the day until after work, so I didn't eat lunch.

Last night broke my no-fast-food streak. It wasn't a moment of weakness, it was a planned decision. I had been thinking about it a lot, and there is no way I'd be able to give up fast food forever; with how busy we get sometimes and some of the trips we take, fast food is inevitable. The key is ordering smarter and not going very often. I got out of work late last night and had to run an errand, then had to pick up DH and go see a movie with him. There was no time to stop home for dinner and I didn't want to spend an arm and a leg on movie theater crap, so we went to Taco Bell. I had a chicken burrito and a hard shell taco, so that wasn't TOO bad, but I should have ordered off their new Fresco menu (lower calorie choices).

I didn't get a chance to go walking yesterday or today, but hopefully I can tomorrow if it doesn't storm after work.

What a workout!

I was sweating more than I ever have while walking today. It wasn't too hot, but I was pushing it. I tried my new plan of running 30 seconds at every 1/4 mile mark, and I hit it every time. I felt like I was walking slower because of it, but it might have just been the shock to my body that made it feel slower. My overall time was faster, but I don't know exactly how much since I didn't check the time exactly when I left the car (bad habit). Plus, between every run, I did reps with the hand weights and my arms were killing me by the time I was done.

At least I burned off the 3 chewy Chips Ahoy I ate at work today for absolutely no reason...I guess I should be thankful that I didn't eat them because I was hungry. I was only hungry for maybe an hour before lunch and I was fine the rest of the day. I wasn't even that hungry when I got home after my walk. I'm on good terms with my band right now.

Recommitting

I've really discovered a lot about myself in the last few months. While watching "The Biggest Loser," I realized one of my biggest hurdles to losing weight with the band: I just don't have a clear goal. When the contestants have their "goal shirts" with phrases of their goals on it, I kept thinking about what I would put on mine, and I couldn't think of anything. All of a sudden, it's a bad thing that I don't -hate- myself. Sure, I'm not happy being overweight, but I'm pretty comfortable with myself as a person, and I only feel bad about my weight when it's inconvenient--sitting in chairs with arms, clothes not fitting, stuff like that. I don't have any health problems. I don't feel like my life is threatened by my weight right now. But I think that in itself should be my focus; I need to lose the weight before it BECOMES a problem. I'm not as physically limited by my weight as other people my size.

Another thing I not really realized but admitted to is that I'm greedy with food. I'm not sure where this came from, but I have theories. One theory is that when I was growing up, my mom didn't have a lot of money since she was disabled and was living off disability and child support. Because of this, my mom would get really mad at me for eating anything than one serving at dinner and if I ate anything between meals. She would actually count and keep track of how much food we had (like 5 hot dogs, half a container of macaroni, etc). She would always know when food was taken, which I did a lot of when she would fall asleep at 7 or 8 PM every night. I was always so hungry, I could eat a package of cold hotdogs without flinching. At my grandma's house, I could eat whatever I wanted, and she kept a stocked kitchen. I could eat a pound of ham or turkey on two sandwiches in one sitting and like half a can of Pringles, a few sodas, and dessert would be a huge bowl of ice cream. My mom disapproved, but she couldn't say anything because it wasn't her house.

So what this means now is that I don't like sharing food if I think I'll still be hungry. When DH and I would share a pizza, I'd try to get the "bigger" half if it was cut uneven. If I got Chinese food when he wasn't home, instead of telling him I got it, in which case I would have been expected to get him some, I would get myself two dinners and hide it and not tell him (not to eat at once, but one for the next day). When I buy snacks and such, I forbid his friends from eating any of it when they come over for "movie night" every week. I hate being this way.

Anyway, those were just some thoughts I've had over the past few weeks that I just didn't have the energy to sit down and type out.

So now on to the title of this post: Recommitting. Now that I do have some restriction, it's much easier to recommit to my new lifestyle. I've been making conscious choices to stop eating before I feel stuffed. I have to trust my band that I won't be hungry when I stop eating. So far, it's worked. On Saturdays and Sundays I always make myself a nice breakfast of Egg Beaters (with cheese and meat and stuff) and buttered toast. Usually, I would have the equivalent of 3.5-4 eggs and 4 pieces of buttered toast. Yesterday and today, I had 2 eggs and 2 pieces of toast. I still put some meat and cheese in it, but less (since there's less egg). And I felt satisfied.

This is my biggest battle: learning that I can stop eating at "satisfied" instead of stuffed-full and not die. I need to learn that I'll be just fine on less food. It also means learning to enjoy the smaller amount of food instead of eating more and more because food tastes so good (another of my big problems). Last night I ate 3 pieces of pizza instead of the usual 4 (I could have stopped at 2, not sure why I ate the third piece).

The thing I like the most about having restriction is that I don't feel the need to snack. I think I only had one snack since my fill on Wednesday, and it was more because I wanted to have it, not because I was hungry. I still slip up, but hey, I'm headed in the right direction.

Another good thing happened today: I walked THREE miles! It was hot and I got sunburnt, but I had water with me and I just did it. My feet hurt a little more than usual, but I felt so good for having done it. I didn't time it exactly, but it took me roughly 1 hour 15 minutes, which is on target with my usual 2.5 mph pace. I was afraid I would slow down from getting tired going so far, but I did great!

I think the pain I was having is mostly gone. I'm so happy about my fill, I realize now that the basics of LapBand eating (small bites, chew chew chew, eat slowly) isn't just a conscious habit--you HAVE to do those things or you get stuck! It's awesome. I got stuck on mashed potatoes, of all things, but I'd much much get stuck on mushy food than be able to eat everything in sight.

I think I can still eat more than I would like, so I think I'm going to get another fill when I can. Can't wait to weigh myself sometime this week! I'm expecting good results.

Solid Food!

So I finally begged DH to let me have solid food for supper tonight. We went to Boston Market since I've been craving rotisserie chicken for weeks now. I had a bit of chicken, and about half of my mashed potatoes and stuffing. Normally I eat the whole thing. It was a conscious effort though, I didn't feel absolutely stuffed like I usually do. I wasn't real hungry though, I had drunk about half of a vanilla Nutrament shake about 2.5 hours before and it upset my stomach a bit then. I think since I wasn't hungry, I couldn't feel when I was satisfied. I chewed very well though and took my time between bites. I could feel everything go down into my stomach, but no pain and nothing got stuck.

Since my fill on Wednesday, I've been VERY gassy (both ends), thankfully it wasn't so bad that I couldn't hide it at work. Also, I've had a little bit of pain around where my band/pouch should be, it's almost constant, but seems to go away when I eat. It's not hunger pains, and from what I've read on LBT, it's just from swelling and should go away soon. I will call my doctor though if it doesn't go away in a few days.

I haven't been very thirsty though, so I haven't been getting in enough liquids. I need to try harder on that. I've been living on soup, soup, and more soup since my fill and the chicken tonight was soooo good!

I'm still going to take it very slow, because especially with the pain, I really don't want to damage myself and I want to truly feel how restricted I am or not.

You made me wait 10 weeks for this?

I was going to wait until I got home to post, but I had some time at work and I want to get this all down while it's fresh in my head.

I got my fill about 2 hours ago. I love my surgeon; I never have to fight with him if I want a bigger fill or anything. I told him that the coordinator recommended at least 3ccs, told him that I felt no change at all after the last fill, etc, so he said he'd put a few more in. But first, as always, he had to take out what was there to check the fill level...

1cc.

I was supposed to have 4ccs in my band after my last fill, and I had 1cc that he pulled back out. Everything just kind of clicked. Why I've been able to eat such huge amounts of food, why I felt absolutely nothing after my last fill, etc. I don't think it was a leak. After he said there was only 1cc in there, he said "I put 1cc in last time"--to which I promptly responded "but it was supposed to be a TOTAL of 4." I think what happened is that he meant to put in an ADDITIONAL 1cc in last time, and accidentally put ONLY 1cc back in, just based on this conversation.

So I had to wait 10 weeks to get a fill, only to find out that my lack of restriction was due to a mistake. If they would just let me get fills when I actually need them, I could have found this out 6 weeks ago instead of starving all this time. He put a total of 5cc in today, which I was afraid that he might make me build it back up slowly. So now, my highest fill has been 3ccs, and I had restriction for about 3 weeks with that, so hopefully 5 will give me some even better results. The only problem is that since he put so much in today, I have to be on liquids for a few days instead of just today. Ugh!

I'm going to schedule an appointment with him either this week or next week, since it takes 2-3 weeks to get an appt. Either way, I have to be weighed before I can get another fill. And then, if I need a fill by then, we can get it scheduled right there, and it should be a max of about 6 weeks between this fill and the next.

Usually I make a protein shake to bring to work on my fill days, but I've really gotten tired of the protein powder I use, and it never shakes up completely so there's always clumps in it. So instead, this morning I picked up a meal replacement shake. I meant to get Slim-Fast, but all the convenience store had was this one called Nutrament. Apparently, this is only available in New York and Florida, but I was really surprised; it tastes GOOD! I got the chocolate, and it didn't have the weird aftertaste that Slim-Fast has. The nutrition is a little different; Slim-Fast has 220 calories, 3g of fat, 40g of carbs, and 10g of protein. Nutrament has 360 calories, 10g of fat, 52g of carbs, and 16g of protein. Nutrament seems like it's meant more as an athletic drink, so that's why some of the bad stuff is higher, but the 16g of protein makes up for some of it. Plus, 360 calories isn't really that bad when it's your entire meal.

DH is making potato soup tonight. He always makes soup after my fills, but usually something with just a little bit of chunkiness to it so I don't feel too deprived. Since I have to be on liquids for a few days though, I'm going to blend it tonight just to be safe. I love how his soup always tastes like the best thing ever after fills :)

Two more days!

I'm anxiously awaiting my fill on Wednesday. I have a good feeling about this one.

I did get my walk in, but not as far as I had planned. Originally, I was going to stop at the trail on my way home from work. Then I decided I really wanted to spend more time with DH, so I went straight home and we were going to walk together. Well..."maritals" happened (absolutely no complaint here!) and by the time we finally got out and went for the walk, it was getting late so we only did about a mile in fear of getting stuck too far out when it was getting dark, and the trail technically closes at dusk.

We had Panera for dinner, yummy broccoli cheddar soup and half of a Smokehouse Turkey panini. The great thing about Panera is that I can never completely finish my meal, and I love that feeling.

Tomorrow is the support group, I think I'm going to try to go. It kills me though because DH is off work and I really want to spend time with him.