Still Alive...Not Much News

Recap of the last month or so of weigh-ins: week 1: 1 pound lost, week 2: exactly the same weight, week 3, GAINED 1.5 pounds, this week: lost 2 pounds, putting me almost exactly where I was a month ago (well, -.2 pounds). I can't complain too much though, since I haven't been eating the greatest. I need a fill badly, I can eat much more than I should be able to, maybe 1.5 cups of food? I haven't really measured. And I'm starting to get hungry between meals again. I'm not supposed to get a fill for another month, but I see my doc and dietician next week and I'm going to ask if I can get one sooner, since otherwise I will just keep gaining the weight back.

Other than that, not much going on with my band. Sometimes I can feel it like pinching a little, or maybe it's just being hyper-aware that it's there, so I hope there's nothing wrong with it (like slippage, etc.) Now if I could just lose the weight :(

Is This Restriction?

I only have a vague idea of "restriction" - that you are full on a small amount of food and not hungry all the time, but not sure what exactly it should feel like, if that makes sense. Wednesday, I had a Lean Cuisine Chicken Club Panini for lunch, these tiny sandwiches that pre-band, I would eat as a snack and still be hungry. I probably could have eaten 3 of them without flinching before the surgery. However, when I ate one for lunch around 1 PM, I was still full until about 5 PM, when the first little inkling of hunger started coming back. On mushies, I was hungry within an hour or two. Is this what restriction is? Or is it just shock for my stomach going from 3 oz of mushy food to 4 or 5 ounces of more filling solid food? I don't want to get my hopes up, but it seems pretty consistent the last few days, I'm not hungry for awhile after meals. Of course, since I'm back on solids, I haven't been eating the greatest choices, but it's conscious and I know I'm not going to be eating again like this.

On To Solids!

I had my first post-op appointment with my dietician today. But first, an update from the weekend: On Sunday, I had the exact same pains I had Saturday that I posted about after eating some pasta and meat sauce, only it hurt worse on Sunday. I couldn't stand it, so I threw up. Twice. It relieved some of the pain, but then my stomach and throat just felt acidic all night and into Monday and the pain still didn't go away fully until after midnight. Yesterday I did some research, and after talking about it with my dietician, I concluded that it was heartburn. HEARTBURN?! This pain was settled under my ribcage and heading into my -right- side, away from my stomach, but radiated all the way into my back and my back hurt. I have never had heartburn before so it definitely wasn't what I was expecting. Now that I know overeating can cause heartburn, and knowing that heartburn hurts that freaking bad, I learned my lesson. Yesterday I just had a protein shake for breakfast and some oatmeal for lunch to give my stomach a break. I felt like crap when I woke up, I was so tired and my stomach and throat still felt acidic, and I hurt my lower back when I was retching so bad Sunday night. Once I finally had the oatmeal, though, I felt tons better. Apparently my body was just hungry and run down.

I ate much less last night and followed my diet for breakfast and lunch, then I saw my dietician. She gave me the go-ahead to start solid foods tonight (at a reduced volume though for another month--only 4 oz. In a month, I go to 5 oz, which will be my permanent volume). Now, I was planning on having Chinese for my first solid meal, but since Matt's friend is here, I have to postpone it. Instead, I went to Taco Bell (bad choice, I know) but instead of ordering 3 or 4 things like I normally do, all I got was a Queso Crunchwrap, that's it. And I ate it very slowly, put it down halfway and didn't return to finish it until about 15 minutes later to make sure I wasn't going to hurt. I'm doing okay yet, no pain, so I don't think I'll have any problems.

My doctor's scale said I -gained- 2 pounds from last week, but when I weighed myself at home tonight, even after eating dinner, I lost 1 pound since last week. I was wearing heavy pants at the docs, so I'm just going to stick with my home scale for weight loss, since I do it in the nude to get rid of fluctuations like that. So that puts me up to 25 pounds lost, unless I weigh less in the morning (as I had planned, but I was mad when I got home). Not too bad.

Pain...

I really need to get out of the habit of eating more food just because it tastes good. I can NOT have second helpings anymore. So far, EVERY time I have had more to eat than I KNOW I should have, I get really bad stomach aches. It's my own fault. Like tonight, I made a few filets of fish and some mashed potatoes. I only meant to eat 1 filet and a little bit of potatoes, but I had 2 full filets and way more potatoes than I absolutely should have. I feel like crap right now, both physically and mentally.

Yesterday was even worse. We went to a friend's house for the 4th of July and they had barbecued some stuff up. For lunch, I had a burger (with bun), some mashed potatoes, and 1/2 of a hotdog. Too much. 3 brownies for snack, which I didn't like that much anyway. Then dinner, 2 hotdogs and more mashed potatoes. Not to mention that I'm still technically on my mushy diet, but my fiance and I agreed as long as I chewed really well, I could enjoy the holiday. I'm scared of the scale now, come Wednesday. Why why why do I keep doing this? I WANT to lose weight, why is food so much more important to me than being thin and healthy and not in pain? I don't get it. I'm tired of this. I think it's hard because I never know how much I can eat and how little will make me hungry in an hour.

I still don't regret my band, but damn, I want to get to a comfortable point where I know how much I should eat and that I won't be hungry OR overfull.

Update!

Another week has passed. My scale was delivered yesterday and I'm down another 5 pounds since last week, bringing me to 24 gone so far. I'm happy with that number so far. I started walking during my lunch at work today and it kicked my butt going up any sort of incline, but I need to keep at it if I want to keep up the pace. I'd like to lose 100 pounds in 4-6 months. My fiance promised to get me a kitten when I lose 100 pounds, so it's really not a question of if...it's WHEN (and that makes me giddy, I want a kitten so bad).

Things are going well. I'm still on mushy food, but I noticed I'm taking more and more food at dinner (still sticking with the proper 3 oz. at lunch). I'm so hungry within an hour or two after lunch that I'm starving by the time I get home. I see my dietician next Tuesday, but I'm afraid she's just going to add more snacks to my diet instead of recommending a fill, but when I see my surgeon in 5 more weeks, I'll ask him for a fill. The hunger is killing me :( I start solid food next Friday and I already got my meals for the day planned, hehe. I'm only going to be weighing myself once a week to keep from torturing myself with daily ups and downs. Hopefully I can keep it moving!