Random Thoughts

2 mile time: 51 mins.

I decided to start keeping (rough) track of my walking times. Day-to-day will vary a lot by a few minutes, because I time it from my car clock (I don't like wearing watches), so it depends where I park, if I have to wait for anyone to pull out of the lot, etc. But my hope is that over time I'll see a general downward trend in my times as my body gets more and more used to walking.

Tonight I knew it was supposed to rain. I knew it was going to be soon when I took off on my walk. I thought about going to the 1/2 mile mark and back, then again to make it 2 miles--that way I wouldn't be stuck too far out if it started pouring. But I knew that if I did that, I would stop after the first round and I knew I wouldn't go back for another trip, so I just went to the full mile marker. Somewhere between 1/2 - 1/4 mile left, it did start to rain, but not too hard, so I was only mildly wet by the time I got back to the car.

My walk was different today, though. I started getting sore before I hit the first 1/2 mile marker. A little bit before I reached the 1 mile turnaround, I suddenly lost all interest in walking and wanted to stop. Thankfully, I HAD to finish to get back to my car! That's one of the things I like about walking outside as opposed to at home or in the gym--I can't just stop, I have to finish or I'd be stranded. By the time I was getting close to the parking lot again, I was so thankful that I was done, and that's the first time I've felt like that since I started walking. I don't know if it was the weather rubbing off on me or my body was just too run down from my Couch to 5K attempt yesterday or what. I may take a rest day tomorrow depending on how my body feels. This is the first time I walked 3 days in a row so I might be pushing my body a little faster than it wants yet.

I still haven't heard about my fill.

Now for the random thoughts:

#1: First off, I know I have at least one regular reader, hopefully more, and I'm sure you're curious what I look like. I hadn't posted any pictures yet because I was hoping that the first time I did would be a comparison picture. I haven't lost enough weight yet to see any difference, so I can't do that yet. But I've been posting for awhile now so I figured I'd at least show ya'll my "before" pictures that were taken last April around my first post-op visit:



Now that I look at the side view, I think DH's angle was a little off, because I look thinner there than I am, I think... Also, the ponytail is gone, my hair is above my shoulders now. Sometime soon I'll post some more recent pictures.

#2: I don't know how people can do the Couch to 5K program on a treadmill. It would drive me nuts having to change the speeds so often.

#3: I think I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow. I haven't in awhile because my weight has just been bouncing up and down meaninglessly. I haven't been eating the best lately though, so despite my exercise, I'm pretty sure I've gained weight. Somedays I just don't feel like fighting my weight if my band isn't going to help me. It's a bad attitude that I know a good fill will take away, but I know I still need to get a grip on it before I gain back TOO much weight.

#4: I've been asking DH alot lately about what it's like being an average weight (he's about 5'10"ish and 175 lbs--he has a little bit of a pot belly, but he's by no means chubby at all). I ask questions like if his feet hurt after standing on them for 8 hours, how he feels after we do the 2 mile walk, stuff like that. I have been overweight since 1st or 2nd grade so I have absolutely no memories of what it's like to be thin; what it's like to have a job where standing on your feet all day doesn't phase you, what it's like to walk around and never get tired, what it's like to run up a flight of stairs easily, what it's like not to have your thighs rub together. It's a whole different world that he experiences from mine.

#5: I was a little self-conscious yesterday when I was doing my running portions, but I realized that I have absolutely no shame when I'm working out in the gym or walking on the trail among people who don't even know what 200 pounds is. I know many overweight people are embarrassed to exercise around fit people because they're afraid of what they think. It doesn't bother me though because even though some people will always think poorly of my body, more people are proud that I'm doing something about it. In the office gym, the regulars always smile when I come in because they think exactly that. I get that feeling from people on the walking trail, too. Especially other overweight people that I see (though never as big as me), we smile at each other because we know we're both making a difference in our lives.

#6: I want this: http://www.fitbit.com I haven't decided if I want to pre-order it or wait for it to come out. I considered getting a BodyBugg awhile ago until I saw that you had to pay a monthly fee, and wearing it as an arm band always kind of bothered me. This thing would be awesome, plus I have a lot of sleeping problems so I'd like to see what it does with that.

I think that's all the random thoughts I've had stored up, sorry for the long post!

Couch to 5K

Yes, I tried Week 1 of Couch to 5K today...and sucked horribly. After the first run, I was gasping like an asthmatic. I think it's 8 intervals of running. Of those, I ran at interval 1, 4, 5 (yes, two back to back), and 8. So I didn't do all of them, which I thought I was ready for, but I'm still pretty impressed I did as much as I did. I think the first run took my breath so much because I was running a little faster than I meant to--there were two women I had to get around. I went a little slower the other 3 times and they weren't -as- bad.

Shock and a gasp, I guess walking 2 miles a few times doesn't mean I'm ready to start jogging :P

I thought about just not doing it again until I drop some more weight, but DH suggested that I keep just doing as much as I can, which he's right. It's good for my heart rate and eventually it'll get easier. I'll just keep repeating Week 1 as long as I need to. For a 400-pound woman, ANY jogging is an accomplishment.

But damn I'm sore!

Got My Walk In

Still waiting to hear about my fill...

I did get my walk in tonight. I went the opposite way on the Saw Mill path and found out there aren't any distance markers, so I just went as far as I thought was a mile. I probably could have went further, but I had no idea what time it was or how far I went to know how long it would take me to get back before sunset (when the path closes). Turns out I walked 45 minutes, which is more or less 2 miles based on my latest walks. Woohoo! It was nice but now that the weather has warmed up, there are lots of bugs and they annoy me like crazy.

It's supposed to rain tomorrow morning but I'm still hoping to get a walk in after work. If it's raining when I get off work, I'll just go down to the gym.

Soooo...that didn't work

I talked to a coworker today who is really into fitness and asked him what he thought about my walking vs. gym dilemma. He said that walking is hands-down a better workout for the body. And since I'm getting increasingly bored with the gym, today I decided to skip the gym and start walking when I get home instead while the weather is nice. I look much more forward to walking than I do going down to the gym, changing, working out for 20 minutes, usually getting kicked out before I finish, then have to drive home all sweaty and blah.

This plan just kind of fell through tonight. When I got home, DH was making dinner and I didn't know how long it would take, so I didn't go for my walk yet. Turns out I could have went for the walk and gotten back way before it was ready, but I didn't know. Then new House and Heroes episodes tonight, so that was that.

Tomorrow DH works until 8 so I'm going to change at work and stop at the Saw Mill path right after work before picking him up.

Also, I sent that email to my program coordinator last Monday, I asked her about it Tuesday and she said she was going to work on it Wednesday. I haven't heard back from her. It's been almost 5 weeks since my fill. I'm tempted to just call the evil scheduling lady and fight it out with her and get it scheduled, but I don't know what the coordinator is doing. This is so frustrating :(

Great Weekend!

This weekend was about 90 degrees both days. Yesterday I went for a 2 mile walk in our neighborhood (first time) with DH. We did a lot yesterday and I almost didn't go. At 7:45 it was starting to get dusky and I really wanted to make sure I got my exercise in, so we went, no excuses. My shoes performed well! They get to stay, officially. My feet were just barely aching by the time we finished. The only bad part of the walk is this really steep hill for about half a block to get up to the main street we walked on. I had to stop once or twice because my leg muscles were killing me going up that hill. No stops after that though! It was great. The time also goes by faster because the landscape changes and I have landmarks to be able to tell how much further to go, versus walking on the Saw Mill pathway where it's just trees, trees, and more trees.

Tonight we went to this place called Lenoir Preserve, which I think tries to keep a quiet area for the birds and such. There is this other trail that we see every day on my way to work and I thought that it originated at this little park, but apparently not. It wasn't very big and we ran out of trails to walk on there. I only got about a mile in, but still better than nothing, and we got to see something new.

I'm curious to know if a 2 mile walk or my regular gym routine (15 mins bike, 5 mins elliptical) is a better/more beneficial workout. Any thoughts?

Good Workout

I did 10 minutes on the elliptical (go me!), weights, then 10 more minutes on the bike. I really want to work up to be able to do 10 minutes on the elliptical and then do 15-20 minutes on the bike. Just not there yet. My feet were hurting by the end of the 10 bike mins so I just stopped.

I was in a really good mood today (probably from working out last night, I'm always in a better mood), then about half an hour ago, someone called me from my job and tried to blame me for doing something wrong when she neglected to tell me something that she "didn't think anyone would notice" last night so I fixed it when I came in this morning, apparently it was supposed to stay changed the way she did it--again, she didn't bother to tell anyone this. Why am -I- upset about this? Because I hate it when people try to tell me I did something wrong. I take pride in my work and I'm good at what I do. Why am I talking about work here, when I usually avoid it? Because it ruined my mood. And I know I will dwell on it most of this weekend, when I'm looking really forward to some good walks with the excellent weather that's coming. I tried to take my mind off it by watching a new movie, but DH's friends are here and they're so freaking loud that I had to turn it off. Grr.

Hopefully my new shoes will perform well on the walks this weekend; if not, I'll just keep using them for the gym and use my old, no-support-but-don't-hurt-my-feet shoes for walking.

Yay! Endorphins!

I made it to the gym tonight and did my regular workout (15 mins bike, weights, 5 mins elliptical). My feet still hurt with the new shoes but not really more than my regular ones. They may have even hurt less on the elliptical than usual. Still have to test them walking this weekend, but I think I'll be keeping them, just have to break them in a tiny bit.

I feel MUCH better, I get grumpy when I don't work out and I don't complain as much when I do exercise!

This weekend is going to be gorgeous (80s) and I plan on walking both days!

Lost Another Day

I forgot my gym bag this morning and it was too late to turn back and get it by the time I realized it. And since I got home later than usual (picking up DH from work then long grocery store run), dinner was much later. I just got done eating and it's 9:30, so no workout tonight either. Bah.

Tomorrow, tomorrow.

Not Much Of A Support Group

I didn't get a chance to work out today, but I'm not going to lose sleep over it. I've been really tired lately so I think it's good for my body to rest. I went to another support group tonight for my program. The topic was self-image, beauty inside and out or something like that. It was mostly about how we've changed the way we see post-op (and post-weight loss) selves and things we do now to pamper ourselves in our new bodies. Well, there's a problem here. I don't have a post-weight loss body. I see myself the same way because not much has changed. And I'm not doing anything new for myself because I'm not to a point yet where I would. So I just listened most of the time.

But I did meet a woman tonight who was banded in January and is having some problems. She is retaining this weird pouch of fluid in her abdomen. She saw our surgeon April 1st and was sent over the same day for an ultrasound to see if it was an ulcer or fluid. She hadn't heard back from the office yet. She has tried calling 5 times and nobody has gotten back to her about what she's supposed to do; if she's supposed to schedule an appointment to get it drained or what. This is really echoing the situation from an LBT woman that had my surgeon and had a flipped port and lots of pain but couldn't get a hold of anyone in the office to address her emergency for weeks. I had been warned about the office staff and I'm experiencing my own issues with them, but this new woman is really stressed out about getting this taken care of and she just keeps running into a wall. I keep losing faith in my surgeon's office, even if the program coordinator seems to be on our level and trying to do what she can.

I asked her if she got my email yesterday and said she's going to work on it tomorrow, to see if I can schedule a fill and get weighed during an office visit in the meantime instead of having to wait to schedule the fill until I have the appt. Hopefully I'll hear from her tomorrow; I can eat a frickin horse right now and I'm getting really impatient for a fill.

Darnit!

I have to figure something out with my gym workouts. I am consistantly getting kicked out of the gym now by the security guard. Plus, if I ever start increasing my workout times, I will never get it all in by 6:15 or so. I'm not a morning person, so I can't go before work, and I would feel weird getting hot and sweaty during my lunch hour. I also wouldn't like driving out of my way to another gym on the way home from work. What to do?

I'm suffering from exercise ADD lately. Tonight I did 6 minutes on the elliptical, did some weight training, 2 more minutes on the elliptical, then 5 minutes on the bike (where I got kicked out of the gym). It's not that I'm too tired to keep going longer on the elliptical, I just get to the point where I don't feel like going any longer. It's the weirdest thing. It was nice when one of the girls was with me, I wish I had a regular workout partner sometimes to keep my mind occupied. I think that's it, I just get bored.

I exchanged my New Balance shoes for a different pair (still New Balance). I ended up with the store manager helping me since they were swamped when I came in. Turns out that the other shoes were actually a half-size too big, that's why my feet kept sliding forward in my shoes. The new ones are also a little smaller width, which I can tell they are a little tighter, but that might be a good thing. The new ones were more comfortable right away in the store, but I can't really tell how they'll hold up in the gym since I was just all over the place tonight. I got $20 back since these were cheaper (which I didn't know, it didn't affect my choice). On the way to the checkout, I just happened to mention my lap-band and turns out the manager has it too! We talked for a little bit and he gave me his card and said to call him if I ever need support with that or about shoes or whatever. It was very cool!

No workout tomorrow unless I happen to wake up early. I have my support group meeting again and hopefully it won't be arts and crafts time again. I sent an email to the program coordinator today telling her it's been 4 weeks and I want a fill! We'll see what happens next.

New shoes = fail, me = win.

Today was 75 degrees outside and it was gorgeous. I did go for a walk with DH and did the full two miles. Not only that, but I jogged the very last hundred or two feet (I have bad distance perception, I couldn't tell you how far it actually was). So that is why I = win.

The shoes are getting exchanged. They have officially failed. I am going to exchange them for a pair that doesn't have the "rollbar" under the heel to keep me from walking on the outside of my feet. I think that, being overweight, walking on the outside of my feet is a coping mechanism to keep my balance, etc. So when my feet are forced to walk flat, my ankles actually hurt a little bit. The big problem though is that around only the first 1/4 mile, the balls of my feet were already starting to hurt. My ankle also was slipping up on my right foot a little bit with each step. At the 1 mile turn-around point, I stopped to try to lace my shoe tighter on that foot to prevent the slipping, but then I had to stop another time or two to keep readjusting the lacing and never got it quite right, so my feet were bothering me even more. My feet were so achy by the time we got back to the car.

So I figure if I just get a good pair of athletic shoes that fit right, it will still be worth the money. I think if I try to focus on one specific shoe feature (like stability, which is what the sales people were focusing on), I will never have a shoe that works for all of the exercises I do. May I can even get the pretty ones I saw, then! Guess we'll see.

Tomorrow I might try to go for another walk or I'll just do WATP (Walk Away The Pounds).

Not bad!

Today I went on the elliptical first and skipped the bike, just to see 1) how my shoes would do with the elliptical, and 2) what kind of stamina I would have on the elliptical without being worn out at all from the bike.

My feet did start to hurt after maybe 7 or 8 minutes, but I have a feeling I'll always have SOME pain until my weight starts coming off and eases the pressure off my feet. The real test will be my 2 mile walk tomorrow (and DH will be coming with me!).

I made some friends in the gym and it's really nice to talk to them while I work out. One was there tonight the whole time on the elliptical, I was able to go 10 minutes without stopping. I actually could have gone longer, but I still wanted to do weights and then I was going to get back on it, I thought maybe if I didn't wear myself out completely at once, I could go longer total. Well, after I did my weights, my gym buddy left and I got back on the elliptical. I went about 2 minutes and then I wasn't really tired, but I just didn't feel like going any longer. I had to pick DH up from work and I just stopped then. I'm still not knocking it! 12 minutes on the elliptical is more of a workout than I get from 15 minutes on the bike. We'll see how I adjust my workout after this.

I paid $107 for a pair of shoes.

I haven't posted in a few days because Tuesday I was enjoying just spending the night with my husband, relaxing on the bed, watching TV, and just having some quality time together. Neither of us turned on our computers. Last night I just didn't feel like sitting at the computer for long.

I've been getting a lot of advice about what to do about my feet hurting when I work out. I was recommended this store called "The Walking Company" but they carry a whole 6 styles of athletic shoes; it's not really their specialty even though they do custom insoles for the regular shoes they carry. Someone here suggested that I go to a podiatrist to get orthotics, which my insurance should cover--I'm still considering this as a last resort since I don't have much time for doctor's appointments, but if it gets to where nothing else helps, I'll go.

Then I remembered someone saying a long time ago that New Balance will find the shoes that fit you perfect and made for what you need. I found on their website that there was a New Balance store close enough to my office that I could go on my lunch break. So I went! I knew their shoes would be expensive ($80-130) but I am to the point where I am willing to pay for a pair of shoes that will take away the pain that is holding me back from working out harder and longer. I saw some really pretty shoes but the girl said I couldn't have them. Yes, actually said I could not have them. They didn't have the features I need, apparently. So, they brought out some of the ugliest shoes I ever saw but I tried them on, walked around, picked one, and paid. All $107. I can bring them back though within 30 days if I don't like them, no matter what condition they are in.

So even though I'm not thrilled about the style, I was excited to try them out tonight, thinking that all my problems would be solved.

Not so much.

My feet actually ended up hurting MORE than with my other shoes. And not just the balls of my feet like usual, but my entire foot was hurting. Sigh. This was on the bike. For the second day in a row, I got kicked out of the gym by the security guard before I could use the elliptical. Tomorrow I'll do the elliptical FIRST just so I can try out my shoes on it; I'm not too worried if I get too tired and have to skip the bike. One of my coworkers told me today that 6 miles on the bike is equal to 1 mile on the elliptical. That's some surprising, though not shocking, news. He recommended that I focus on the elliptical and just forget about the bike because it's just not as beneficial to my exercise. We'll see what happens when I try it first before any fatigue from the bike. I also told him about my 2 mile walk and he said that's probably the best workout I can do for myself to build up working out on the machines more.

I also plan to try out the shoes walking this weekend; if they fail all 3 tests (bike, elliptical, walking) then I'll exchange them for the other shoes I tried on today. If those don't work, screw it. My other shoes work better right now. Then I'll look in to seeing a podiatrist.

Sobering Experience

Hungry hungry hungry...really need that fill before I gnaw off my arm.

Anyway, tonight I did pretty good--15 mins on the bike, 4 different weight machines, 5 mins on the elliptical (and wasn't TOO dead after that). I was really sleepy though after my workout, which is new. I don't know if it had to do with still being really hungry after my Lean Cuisine lunch or a little less sleep last night than usual.

I was the last one in the gym so I was alone in the locker room after my workout. Since nobody else could get in at that point, while I was changing back into my work pants (I didn't feel like wearing my bright blue pants outside), I stopped and just took a long look in the full-length mirror they have by the lockers. First, I realized that it's been a LONG LONG time since I've even really looked in a full-length mirror (I don't even check my own face too often, I'm not concerned about it). Second, I was absolutely disgusted at what I saw. One of the reasons I'm so heavy and not very depressed about it is because I've always just accepted my body. I rarely sit there and nitpick everything I don't like about my body. AND I always thought that my legs, though bigger than average, were still acceptable. Even if they used to be, they aren't anymore. My lower abdomen and my legs are just abominable. Since I've been losing at least a little weight, my stomach region is shifting--the upper sides are slimming while everything sinks down into the room made in my lower stomach by losing weight there. Because of that, my stomach looks like cottage cheese. It didn't before because it was so stretched with fat there was no extra skin to wrinkle. My thighs look even worse. To make the situation worse, I didn't realize how bad I had vericose veins on the back of my thighs by the back of my knees. I had no idea. Then I thought about how I had worn a swimsuit in the Bally's pool last weekend! Oh my god, I let all those people see that?

I think I am going to buy a full-length mirror now for our bedroom. Knowing now what I actually look like below the waist and having a continuing reminder of it should really help me get motivated. Of course, that's hard to say when your stomach is in hunger agony...NEED THAT FILL!

I'd Consider This An NSV

I haven't really had an NSV (Non-scale victory) in awhile since my weight loss has plateaued, but today, I went for a 2-mile walk on this bike path that runs alongside a highway here in Yonkers (Saw Mill Parkway for any NYers that may be reading). My feet didn't hurt at all and I didn't have to stop and rest AT ALL. I felt great. I haven't been able to walk very far without either my legs, back, or feet killing me after a short while. The cool thing about walking on this pathway is that it has a start point, 1/4, 1/2, 3/4, and 1 mile markers; and also, if I go all the way to the 1 mile marker, that means I HAVE TO do another full mile. I can't just stop and give up or I'd be stranded. My only options would be to sit down on the ground for a bit, rest up, and still have to finish the full 2 miles to get back to my car. I love not having a bail-out option like I do when working out at home or at the gym. I might make this a habit on the weekends since it's on the way to my husband's job (and I usually have to drive him on the weekends)--weather allowing, of course.

I didn't work out yesterday though, I got caught up playing a video game with my husband and then by the time we ate dinner, we had company coming right afterwards. I think today made up for that though, since all I would have done today and yesterday anyway was 1 mile each on Walk Away The Pounds. I might still do that later tonight, but we'll see.

I may invest in some custom-fit shoes soon, because my feet hurting is what is really holding up my gym workouts.

SORE

Yesterday was great. I had a blast at the zoo and probably walked 3 or 4 miles and only had to sit down twice (once for lunch anyway, then I made it the rest of the day until the hike back to the car). The only downside is that from my hips down, I am SORE. I was still sore when I woke up this morning, and I'm still sore now. It affected my workout today, too. I was doing okay on the bike, but as I was getting towards the end, my feet were killing me--not like the usual soreness, but it felt like they were on fire they were hurting so bad, and it was just around one specific area on each foot, not right across the center as usual. I don't know what happened. I had to actually stop when I had 2.5 minutes left because it hurt so bad, usually I can work through the soreness and finish.

I did some weights tonight too, I read the instructions on the machines I didn't know and I found some that I like. After doing one of the machines, my feet felt better so I finished another 3 minutes on the bike. I won't quit! A few more weight machines, then got on the elliptical. After 2 minutes, I couldn't do anymore. My leg soreness kicked in and I had to stop. I might have overdone it between yesterday and today, but I'm still glad I worked out at all.

I gained 2 pounds back this week, but I wasn't being so strict again, it just pushes me to want to binge right now when I'm hungry all the time. I decided that I'm not going to check the scale again until my fill. I'm just going to keep losing and gaining the same few pounds without any restriction, and it's too frustrating. I'll still be mindful of what I eat and exercise, but with less emphasis on weight loss until my fill. I think that's for the best for now.

Happy Birthday To Me!

That's right ladies and gentlemen. Today, my car insurance rate will go down and I can no longer check "18-24" on surveys. Of course, this also means that I didn't make my goal of getting under 400 lbs. by my birthday. I don't feel TOO horrible about it though, because when I made that goal, I was starting to have restriction after my 2nd fill and thought it would keep going. I still have another goal for the Biggest Loser Pound-for-Pound challenge, which is 20 lbs by May 5--of which, I've only lost 3 so far. I still have a little less than a month, but I don't really expect to make it since I won't have another fill by then.

I did get to the gym last night, and for the first time since I started going down, I finally got kicked out for being in there past 6. I had just finished the bike and was about to do the elliptical. Since there was another girl in there, she was going to finish the last 4 minutes on her elliptical so I joined her and got 3 1/2 minutes in. Not bad. AND I didn't feel sore and achey after that long, which usually at about 2 minutes I want to stop.

Today we're going to the zoo for my birthday, and depending on how much we walk around, I'll just do one mile on Walk Away The Pounds tonight to make up for Tuesday. It's going to be gorgeous outside!

Crazy 24 Hours

Last night was awful. I was telling DH how frustrated I was getting having no restriction, being hungry all the time, and trying to figure out what I can eat between meals, etc. He eventually broke down and started crying. He feels helpless because he doesn't know how to help me and he wants to cook healthier for me but he's not really sure how to, especially since I'm a pretty picky eater. I felt horrible for making him feel bad, it wasn't directed towards him at all, but he just wants to see me happy and this whole journey of mine is killing him since I'm so miserable and he feel undereducated about the band.

Then, to make it an even better night, one corner leg of our bed frame broke at 5:30 this morning. We got this frame about a month ago and we knew it was a little wobbly, the legs are actually just screws with flat discs on the bottom so you can adjust the height with the screw part--and the diameter of the screws couldn't have been more than 1/4th of an inch. This leg had bent a little bit over the last few weeks, and this morning, it just gave out and the whole corner of the bed collapsed. Turns out the two screws supporting the middle beam of the frame were also bent. Now my kill count is 2 toilet seats and 1 bed. I need to get this weight off! I'm so tired of crap like this!

I didn't go to the gym tonight because I decided to go to my first support group with my bariatric program. I've been putting it off because either the topics didn't interest me or I didn't feel like going after a long day at work. I went for a few reasons though: I needed to see how other people in my program are doing. I needed to know if anyone else took so long to get restriction with this program. And, I thought if nothing else, I could talk to the program director, who runs the meetings. I'm so glad I went tonight! The topic was "Spring Cleaning" and the time was spent making collages of things we wants to get rid of or accomplish and such this spring, blah blah, arts and crafts. But I did pull the director aside as everyone was leaving and finally just let it all spill. I told her the frustrations I've been having, the problems I have scheduling fills, and how I was considering going to another office because of the issues I've been having with theirs. She was glad I told her. She didn't realize there was such a disconnect between the surgeons and the woman who schedules the fills. She told me to wait 2 more weeks (to make it an even 4) and let her know, then to schedule a fill. She also said to ask my surgeon to give me at least 2 or 3 ccs at my next fill; she even said the worst than can happen is to have to have a "little squeezed back out". In the back of my mind I knew I should have went to her right away instead of considering another doctor first, but I didn't know how she would react, or if she'd shove the nutritionist down my throat, or enforce their "normal" policy of 3 months between fills. I feel like maybe now I'll start to make some progress with my program.

I won't have the energy to work out tonight yet, but I'll either get up early tomorrow or do the Walk Away The Pounds tomorrow night (along with going the gym right after work). I definitely feel like I've had a burden lifted off me, though.

Oh, one thing that concerned me about the support group: out of 14 people, 2 were pre-op, and of the remaining 12, only TWO PEOPLE were anywhere close to a "normal" BMI. Everyone else was still pretty chunky--probably over 200 pounds yet. And these people have had their surgeries for anywhere from 2 to 9 years. I don't know if that's indicative of the kind of results to expect from this program, or if maybe they just keep going to the support group BECAUSE they aren't at an average weight. It's entirely possible the that successful patients don't have a need to go to the group. Who knows?

Willpower...Crumbling...

I did pretty good last week with my diet and food intake. Today, however, I feel like the switch has been turned off again. I'm hungry all the time and it bothers me. I mean, I was hungry last week, but I was able to work through it or ignore it. Right now I'm feeling like my body is saying "C'mon, I've been hungry for too long now, time to take a break from that diet." Then I get mad at my Lap-Band. I was hungry an hour after lunch today. Yes, I have to change the way I eat and the way I think about food, but COME ON, if the Lap-Band was working for me, I wouldn't be hungry so often and I'd feel full off less food! I'm so tired of this battle. Today when I was in the gym, I thought about just stopping. Take a break for a few days. Forget about the diet. Wait until I have some actual restriction before putting so much effort into something that I feel will just fail until I have the right tools working with me. I feel like I'm working out for no good reason right now, it sure as hell isn't showing on the scale.

Tomorrow I'm going to finally make a freaking appointment with one of the NYU doctors. I have a feeling the appointment will be quite a ways away, but I have to take the step. If I could do this on my own, diet and exercise, I wouldn't have had the surgery. And I didn't go through the surgery to fight this without any help.

Bally's again...and the pool was open!

First off: last night I realized I have these nice big scabs on the sides of my thighs were my thighs were rubbing against the heart-rate handles around the bike seat yesterday. Ouch. I knew it was hurting a bit while I was riding, but I didn't know it actually tore into the skin.

I dropped DH off at work and the gym wasn't AS busy today, which was nice. I went on the bike for 15, but after about 5 minutes, I upped the level from 4 to 6, then I realized that the reason I don't feel like I get as much of a workout on the bike is because my heartrate doesn't get really that much higher...it's around 125 when I'm just cruising along at my normal pace and level. I had to fix that! I cranked the level up to 8 after 5 more minutes at 6 and peddled my little heart out. For the last minute or two, that baby was up to 10. My heart rate went up to 140. It was great!

I did more weights today. One of the machines I like was being used by some guy so I did one of the ones I did yesterday, then I experimented a little. I did two other upper-body weight machines and one leg machine. I really want to add weights into my normal routine, I think it will help. Unfortunately, there are no leg machines at my office gym.

Then I got on the "ramp" style elliptical, but I left the incline nice and high and had the resistance on 10. I did 5 minutes on that, with the last 30 seconds as 15 resistance.

I really need to figure out why it's always my FEET that hurt when I work out. I could actually go a lot longer if my feet didn't start to kill me, whether on the bike or elliptical.

After my nice sweat-inducing workout, I got to use the pool! It was absolute heaven to get into the cool water when my body was so hot. I tried to do a few laps, but I noticed a few problems if I ever wanted to make laps a part of my regular workout: my swimsuit is NOT suitable for doing laps. My swimsuit, to be perfectly honest, doesn't fit me right. It's too small. So much goes around my hips/stomach that there isn't much left for the top. What this means is that when I'm swimming, the water wooshes into the top of my swimsuit and it the fabric goes away from my gals. I feel REALLY self-conscious and I wouldn't feel comfortable doing laps like that knowing what my swimsuit is doing without my permission. I'd have to get a new swimsuit that fits better. The other problem is my body floats too much. This should be a good thing, right? Nope. My BUTT floats. So it's hard to make a straight line out of my back; which means my face is up out of the water when I swim and that curves my back. It gives me horrible swimming posture. Plus I think I'm a little afraid of swimming with my face in the water, I always feel like I'm going to swallow water and drown or something when you lift your face sideways to breathe. Either way, it still felt great to get in the pool after working out. The whirlpool was huge, bigger than some hotel POOLS, and it felt like heaven. I just sat there for maybe 15 minutes before they shut it off to start closing up for the night. I could have stayed in there for an hour!

I need to find a gym to join to supplement my office gym. I've been toying with several different gyms around here. I like the machines they have at Bally's and I like the pool, but I don't know how much I would actually use the pool. I absolutely hate trying to dry off and get back into clothes after swimming, everything just kind of sticks to you because you don't have much time to let your body dry off completely. Plus, since they have a steam room off of the locker room, it's always kind of humid in there, which doesn't help trying to dry off. My free guest pass ends Friday, so I won't be able to go back next weekend unless I join. I'm going to talk to DH and see if he thinks the extra $15/month is worth it for a gym because of the pool, or if I'd use the pool enough to make it worth it. Plus, a friend told me that Planet Fitness doesn't have the "ramp" ellipticals. Hmm.

I love how my attitude has changed towards working out lately. I look forward to it.

I had a blast at the gym! What?

I got a 7-day free pass for Bally's and I went today. I was hoping to use the pool and hot tub after working out, but the lifeguard called in sick so the pool room was closed (which made a LOT of people mad!).

I daresay I had fun working out today. The bike had a cushioned seat and the 15 minutes flew by. The last few minutes I cranked up the level and just went all out. It was great! Then I used (dramatic pause) weights! I did three different machines--3 sets of 12 reps each. I really felt good doing weights, I felt like my upper body finally got a workout. Then I realized that I wasn't crazy--there ARE two different kind of ellipticals! I kept saying how much I love the elliptical, but the one we have at the office gym isn't fun.

Here is the kind of elliptical the office gym has(not the same model, but same concept):


And here is the one I was accustomed to and love:


I got to use the second one today, and it was great. I didn't get as exhausted but I was getting a GREAT working, sweat was just pouring down my face. It seems this one feels more like an aerobic workout instead of just killing my muscles. I was almost up to 5 minutes and decided I wasn't too tired yet, so I cranked up the incline, cranked up the resistance, and went another two minutes. I probably could have gone longer if my feet didn't hurt from my shoes.

I also asked about their personal trainer prices, but they want you to buy these huge chunks of sessions, like 36 sessions for almost $3,000 dollars! I don't have that kind of money. I finally squeezed out of him how much a single session is, which is $105. If anything, I just want a session or two to show me what I should be doing, what machines, how long, etc...I don't really need someone standing there pushing me, so having constant sessions wouldn't benefit me, plus with my husband's schedule it would be too hard to keep 3-4 scheduled sessions a week, like he said it would be.

I'm going to go back again tomorrow and hopefully use the pool, too. I don't think I'm going to get a membership, though. It's 25-30 bucks a month and I would only use it on the weekends and once in awhile if I get out of work too late. There is another gym called Planet Fitness that I could join right now for $10/month. The only difference is Bally's has a pool. However, the pool only has 2 lap lanes, and considering how many people I saw trying to get into the pool today, I think I wouldn't be able to get in on the weekends anyway. We'll see how tomorrow goes.

I feel pretty good though! I think I might suck it up and ask some of the guys who use the office gym how to use the weight machines there, I really need to work on my upper body.

I SHOULD be happy

I lost 3 pounds this week. I should be happy about this, because it's a loss, not a gain, and I need to remember that 2 pounds a week is "normal." There are a few reasons I'm not happy, though. I lost 6 pounds in one week last time I did the no snacks/sweets thing, and I wasn't even working out then. I was drinking more water this week, too. I thought I was doing things better this time. I don't know how much the Pringles last weekend sabotaged this (it wasn't just a few Pringles, it was possibly as much as 1600 calories within two days). I had two cookies this entire week. Though, I don't know how many calories they were. I'm also mad because I'm 400 pounds and I should be able to lose more than 3 pounds in a week by watching what I eat and exercising. What went wrong?

I did make it to the gym again, and the same thing happened--I was on the bike and the same two girls came in and took the ellipticals RIGHT before I was about to get on it. I'm still debating if I'll work out again tonight. I have chicken and rice casserole in the oven that won't be done until about 9 PM, and I don't feel like working out at this moment. I already worked out though, and I stepped up my biking a bit--7.5 minutes at level 4, 7.5 minutes at level 5 and making sure to stay around 60 RPM. Today my muscles didn't even get sore until the last 5 minutes and my feet were okay for just a little longer than usual. I'm getting there!

I didn't *go to the bathroom* fully before I weighed in tonight, so maybe that had something to do with it? I don't know. I'm back down to 408 again, so I can't even change my ticker yet. I think there may be something wrong with my scale though, not to make excuses (because it could just as easily be telling me I lost more weight than I did), but the second time I got on it tonight (I do it in two different rooms because the floors aren't quite even in my bedroom), it didn't even stabilize at a number before turning off--while I was still standing on it. Normally it stabilizes, stays at that number for 10 seconds while I get off, then goes back to zero, then shuts off. Hmm. I think I might see if I can pop into my doctor's office just to get weighed every few weeks to keep a more solid record.

That Was An Interesting Day

It is REALLY hard for me to drink a lot of water at work. Around 3 I start to chug gulps here and there--usually 30 of my 40 "work" oz come between 2:30 and 5.

I had a nice chat with a coworker who works from home in Colorado about diet and exercise. I just mentioned that I have the Lap-Band, but it's not really working for me right now, so if I want the results, I have to do it myself. I don't know why, but just saying it this way, admitting that my Lap-Band is not helping me at all right now, just sent me on a roller coaster of emotions:

I'm very proud of myself for taking it into my own hands and eating better and exercising every single day. It's getting easier not to see it as a "diet" but as something I can live with.

I'm angry. I'm so angry that I had surgery and took a huge step to improve my health, and it's not working. IT'S NOT WORKING. Yes, yes, you have to work "with" your band, you still have to make healthy choices, yadda yadda yadda. Honestly, I didn't get to be this big by eating fast food and junk food and drinking soda all the time. It's because I just ate HUGE amounts of "regular" food. I NEED the portion control. If I don't feel full after a meal, I will absolutely be picking and snacking between meals. My body just doesn't understand that just because I'm not "full" doesn't mean that I have to keep eating until I am. Yes, it's also mental. But I want to be full off less food. If I could do this by myself, I wouldn't have gotten the Lap-Band. I'm also mad at myself that I'm stuck in a program that I'm starting to think is more at home with bypass than the Lap-Band. It's easy to just tell bypass patients that after their surgery, it really is about what you eat. With the Lap-Band though, it takes FILLS to get to the same state that a bypass patient is in! SO GIVE ME MY DAMN FILLS!

I'm scared. I'm scared shitless that my Lap-Band will never work. It happens. I've seen a few people on LBT that it just never works for them and they end up having RNY instead. I don't want to be one of those people.

I'm jealous of people who the Lap-Band works for from Day 1. I know many people from LBT that never exercised and 100 pounds just came off. It's definitely not the norm, but it happens. Just in my June surgery group, a lot of people have lost 100 pounds already, or close to it. I'm 400 pounds, I should have lost weight faster than any of them.

I feel useless. I know all of these things that I'm supposed to have to do with my Lap-Band: eat slowly, chew chew chew, eat protein first in case you get full before you get to the rest of the food, take a multi-vitamin because you aren't getting all the nutrients from your small amount of food. I don't need to do any of those. I haven't had a PB since about the first month of my surgery. Is it weird that now I wish I would have one, just to know my band is working?

In other news, the gym was strange tonight. I was on the bike and I did a little harder routine on the bike (one of the programmed ones, where it changes the resistance at certain points) and I also noticed I was going a lot faster without realizing it! I normally go about 50 RPM, today was anywhere between 60-70, and the 70 was closer to the end when I was sore! Two girls came in and took both of the ellipticals, so I couldn't do that tonight. My feet were really sore from my shoes, so I knew I couldn't go another 5 minutes on the bike. Instead, I cranked the resistance up a few more notches and went all out for a full minute. I was really proud of myself.

When I went back to the locker room and sat down, after a few minutes, I didn't even feel like I worked out. No soreness, I wasn't waddling like most nights, and I wasn't sweating as bad. The elliptical really makes me work harder than I realized and it makes me feel like I actually accomplished something.

I was a little perturbed about the elliptical when I got home, so I did a mile of Walk Away The Pounds while my dinner was in the oven. Yep! I earned two stickers in one day :)

Tomorrow is my weigh-in day...wish me luck!

Boooo on Chocolate-dipped Chocolate Chip Cookies

I did good today, no snacks, worked out, tried to drink a lot of water... (I think I'm at about 35-40 oz, going to try to make up the rest before bed). Then we stopped at the grocery store after I picked up DH from work. Again, I was doing really well, got some veggies, calorie free/fat free Ranch dressing (! - even the lowest fat-free Ranch I've seen had 30 calories). Then, we went past the bakery, I saw my strawberry shortcake, only stared for a minute, the moved on. On the way out of the bakery section, I saw a big tub of 20 chocolate chip cookies...that were half-dipped in chocolate. I showed DH, just because I had never seen them before, and then I was ready to move on. He flipped a coin and put them in the cart. He said he's going to count them to make sure I don't binge, but I won't anyway, I KNOW I have enough willpower now. I did have one, and just one. It wasn't as great as I was hoping, so now I really know I won't be eating more than one a day, if even that.

The week is going so slooow, I want Friday to come so I can weigh in and see if my no-snack, no-sweet week is paying off as much as it did last time (I lost 6 pounds about 3 weeks ago when I tried this).