Just Going To Pretend...

...that my dinner tonight just didn't happen.

I was doing so good, I avoided ALL the treats and temptations at work, came home...

...

Tomorrow is a new day. I know I can't keep doing it all the time, but dwelling on it doesn't make it better either. At least my stomach feels god-awful enough that I won't be doing that again for a long time.

DH is gonna kill me. And it's my own damn fault that the scale hasn't moved in a few days, but on the other hand, I've still been eating so little, even with my slip-ups, that I'm not sure why it hasn't went down any further. I wish I knew exactly how many calories I was eating the first few days after my fill so I knew what it takes to lose.

Yesterday = Fail

Yesterday was a roller coaster of good and bad. I had the last piece of breakfast pizza for breakfast. Then I was doing good at work - I drank about 32 oz of Crystal Light by the middle of the day, I actually got all my liquids in yesterday for the first time in a week.

When I first came in the office, there was a cookie on my desk with the company logo printed on the frosting--Christmas present. At first I put it in my drawer and didn't know what to do with it. By noon, I ate it. I don't know why, I wasn't really hungry. I need to get over the 'if it's there, I'll eat it' mentality.

I wasn't hungry again until around 2 (I usually eat at 1), so I ate a tiny little chicken cutlet that I took home with me from Christmas. I brought a half cup of hamburger soup with me as well, but the chicken filled me up and I didn't touch it. I was hungry by 4 or 4:30ish. I had a pudding cup with me, and still had the soup, but I decided to just wait until I got home to eat dinner instead of snacking. Good for me. I even avoided the 4 boxes of chocolates and box of butter cookies that my coworker brought in.

I got home around 6 and I was starving by then. While DH was getting dinner ready, I snacked on corn chips. Sigh. I could have waited, but the corn chips were there and I love corn chips, so I ate them.

Dinner was leftover turkey (that we also took home from Christmas) mixed with stuffing. I ate my little bowl of the mixture, maybe 1 cup or little less. About 10 minutes later, I noticed I wasn't full. Now, I've already realized this is a problem - I need to learn the difference between "not full" and "hungry" because I might not be stuffed, but that doesn't mean I should keep eating until I am. So I realized that the stuffing mixture was so moist that it probably went right through the band. I realized it, and told DH what was happening too. Of course, he felt bad because he's trying really hard to make food for me that works with the band, so he thought he did something wrong, when really, I thought the turkey would have still filled the pouch and at least slowed down the stuffing, so it wasn't his fault that it didn't work that way either. So when I took my bowl back out to the kitchen, I took a few hearty forkfuls from the pan and ate it. I went back to the pan 2 more time during the next hour or two before I finally put the leftovers in the fridge. I can't even guess how much I ended up eating that way. And it all just went right through, during all of that I never got a full feeling.

I was tempted to have some pudding or ice cream all last night after dinner but I didn't, so at least I ended the day on a kinda good note.

It just made me feel like this is what I'm destined to do, make good choices some of the time and just completely sabotage my efforts the rest of the time. I'm trying much harder today, and I'm determined. I joined the Valentine's Day Challenge on LBT and my goal is to get down to 375 by Valentine's, which is another 18 pounds for me to lose by then. That's about 3 pounds a week, and I think it's manageable if I just stick to it.

So far today I had half of a Jimmy Dean light sandwich - 260 calories whole, so half is about 130 calories. There are so many sweets and snacks around me at work but I have the willpower. I brought chicken again for lunch, still have the half cup of soup if I need it, and still have a pudding cup.

I CAN DO THIS!

HOW COULD I FORGET?!

I totally forgot to post yesterday after I weighed myself! And it's great news!

Since Monday, I had lost 7 pounds as of yesterday. 7 pounds in 3 days! It's about time! Not only that, but I'm 1 pound away from 50 lost, AND I finally met my first goal, which was to get under 400 lbs! I'm now 395 lbs. I believe getting to the 300s is called "Threedom!" I'm so happy and I can't believe I forgot to post about it! Losing that much just makes me want to keep going, which is the sort of thinking I need, actually losing the weight never really motivated me to keep going during my journey, so I'm glad it's kicking in now.

Christmas Under Control!

I'm very very proud of myself for how I handled all the Christmas festivities today.

Breakfast: DH and I started a tradition 3 years ago where we make cook breakfast together, always breakfast pizza and some sort of potato. And we only have breakfast pizza ONCE a year, so we really savor it. This year DH made homemade hashbrowns with it. I had one piece of pizza and a few bites of hashbrowns with cheese.

Christmas Lunch with Friend Family A: Half of a small piece of pork, one very small, thin chicken cutlet, about 4 or 5 "noodles" of rigatoni and cheese, 1 piece of broccoli, 5 or 6 potato "cubes". And that was only HALF of what I took on my plate, so I'm very very happy with myself. I put the rest on DH's plate so I wouldn't be tempted to finish it. Thankfully friend's mother is very supportive of my band and was completely understanding, so I didn't feel like I was offending her cooking by not eating much. I also had a tiny slice of cheesecake about an hour later.

Christmas Dinner with Friend Family B: A few small pieces of turkey, a little bit of mashed sweet potatoes (maybe 1/4 cup). 1 small boxed chocolate for desert.

The only problem is that I drank so very little all day. I really need to force myself to drink, I think since I'm not hungry I don't get as thirsty, either. And since I'm not as thirsty, I don't stare at the clock so much after eating, waiting for my hour to be up to drink. I just kinda forget about it. It was also a problem though because Family B didn't really have anything for me to drink, and tap water wasn't offered (I don't like plain water, but I was so thirsty that I would have drank it at that point).

Overall, I think it was a successful day and shouldn't impede my weight loss at all!

Keep On Truckin'

Yesterday wasn't bad, just a little tiny bit of heartburn last night but that was it, I was fine the rest of the day. I could tell that I'm getting a little weak from not getting enough protein, so I requested hamburger soup for dinner from DH, since I was drinking so slowly that I still couldn't have finished a whole shake if I tried. My schedule was a little screwed up so here is what I ate:

Breakfast 9AM - a few sips of protein shake (not even 1/4 cup if I had to guess)
Lunch 12PM - 2 or 3 small bites of chicken salad and 1/2 cup of carrot soup (and I was FULL!)
Snack - 1 SF Dulce de Leche pudding cup
Dinner 9PM or so - 3 or 4 bites of chicken salad about a half hour before dinner since I was starving by then; then hamburger soup (ground hamburger and lots of veggies), I didn't measure it but it was less than a cup. I figured it was a good transition into mushies.

Today I started full mushies and I'm a little nervous. I made 2 eggs (Egg Beaters) with a tiny bit of ham and cheese. It looked like a lot of food, maybe 1 cup when cooked (2 eggs of Egg Beaters is 1/2 cup so I didn't expect it to expand so much). I ate all of it with basically no problems, and that makes me scared because of how little soup I could eat just yesterday. I'm also having fewer problems with liquids, even just yesterday I had to take small sips and wait between each sip. Now I find myself taking larger drinks and it's fine. I REALLY want this restriction, I'll be devastated if it doesn't last. Of course I'll still watch my portions, but I really got my hopes up this time with how nice my liquid phase was. And this was the first time that I wasn't rushing rushing to get to mushies, sure, I wanted to eat everything I couldn't have, but I wasn't starving for food, I was doing just fine on liquids.

I think I'm going to weigh myself before I take a shower in a bit here, even though I have food and water in my stomach, I should have lost -something- considering how few calories I took in the last 3 days.

Tomorrow should be interesting, I have two Christmas dinners I'm going to. Thankfully the food isn't great at either family's house (I know it sounds bad, but that means I won't be tempted to go overboard). I'm also making 1 dozen cookies right now because 1) my husband wanted to bake for Christmas, and 2) these are caramel-filled chocolate chip pre-formed cookies that we found in the store, the LAST package, so we wanted to try them. And I'll have a cookie when they're ready, but I have no plans to sit down and eat half of them today like I would have in the past.

Ow...Heartburn...

I'm doing pretty well food-wise since my fill yesterday, but I've had heartburn all day today since I woke up. It goes away when I'm eating. I'm a little concerned, because it either means that I'm too tight, or it can indicate band slippage. I'm torn, because on one hand, I WANT this restriction. On the other hand, I can't handle it if this heartburn continues, it was okay for the first few hours, but this is over 12 hours now and it's really getting to me. I tried calling Karen (my NP) today, as she asked me to call and check in today, but she didn't get back to me. I really don't want to get an unfill because of all the fuss I've went through to get to this point, and I'm terrified of getting an unfill and being even less restricted than before.

What I ate yesterday:
1 bowl of Lucky Charms before my fill
1 Sugar Free Dulce de Leche pudding cup
Total 1.5 cups of cream of carrot soup spread out over 2-3 hours; 1/2 cup at a time

Today:
About 1/2 cup of a protein shake attempt (chocolate protein powder, yogurt, 1/2 banana, and a little peanut butter) - wasn't too good, actually
2 bites of chicken salad VERY well chewed; I bought some today and really wanted to try it and was careful about it
1/2 cup carrot soup for lunch
3 more bites of chicken salad
I didn't measure my dinner carrot soup, but it wasn't more than 1 cup, maybe less
1 SF Dulce de Leche pudding cup

Still pretty good overall, my only real hunger is head hunger, it always drives me nuts just knowing I CAN'T have something.

I definitely didn't drink enough today, the heartburn is actually discouraging me from drinking I think.

I'll keep posting about this and let ya'll know what happens with the heartburn.

Not Very Filling Fill

I got my fill today and my husband was able to come with and got to watch them do it and see the flouro monitor and everything, I think it was very helpful for him to understand what they actually do.

I had 10cc last time, there was only 9 left in when she pulled it all out. So she put me up to 10.5, originally she went up to 11 but thought it was too tight so took a little out. I'm a little nervous because it might not be enough - she said my band was already tight before she started taking out/adding, but today was a strange day. I was off work, so I didn't wake up until after 10 AM and ate breakfast (just some cereal) around 11. My fill was around 1 PM. My concern is that I'm usually a little tight in the morning, but I usually wake up around 7:30-8, eat breakfast at 9, and then get my fill around 1 and I'm usually not tight anymore by 11 or 12. I'm afraid that my morning tightness affected my fill and that I'm really not as tight as she thinks I am. I guess I'll see how it goes, but she won't be very happy if I want another fill, since I'm at 10.5 out of 14 now and there's not much further we can go. She's still pushing me to go see a psychologist and dietitian, I just haven't had the time this week to find either one.

I'm really starting to get frustrated, my goal was to lose 150 lbs this year and I don't think I even lost 10.

Sabotage

–noun

1.	any underhand interference with production, work, etc., in a plant, factory, etc., as by enemy agents during wartime or by employees during a trade dispute.

2.	any undermining of a cause.

Example: Having a productive visit with my bariatric nurse practitioner about recent struggles, then going to McDonald's, getting a chocolate shake, mushroom swiss burger, fries, and cookies. But wait, there's more! Drink half the shake and eat one of the cookies, hunger is gone. Sooo...eat most of the fries. Get stuffed, and actually think you're doing good by leaving some of the fries. Oh look, the burger is still here. Can't let that go waste. Eat the whole thing. Oops, now I don't feel so good. Ah shit, I REALLY don't feel good. PB most of the burger back up.

WTF is wrong with me? Seriously. I didn't get out of my appointment until 3 PM and I hadn't had lunch, so I was starving. I knew I had food at home, so I convinced myself not to stop anywhere most of the way home...until I was about 2 miles from home. Oh right, McD's is having that promotion where you get a free glass when you order a meal. And yeah, I feel like having a shake for the first time in a LONG time.

I honestly don't know why I did it. I don't know why I continued to eat and eat after I wasn't hungry anymore, and much less when I was absolutely full and KNEW I would only hurt myself if I kept going. And the WORST part about all of this was that it was right after I promised myself to get back on the wagon and try harder. I think it was a last meal syndrome of sorts, but it's still just no excuse. Sigh.

Last night was my company's Christmas party and I ate like crazy. No wonder the scale today said 405 - no shock there whatsoever.

I scheduled my next fill for Monday, Dec. 21, which is great because I have the entire week off work so I don't have to worry about taking time off. If my husband has off work I might ask him to come with so he can see what they do.

A few things though: Apparently, they put a new policy in place that you have to see the nutritionist to continue getting fills. Thankfully, my NP said I can find a nutritionist that accepts my insurance, since that is one of the reasons I stopped seeing the one in their practice (among other reasons, she was completely useless). We also talked about me seeing a psychologist, and I agree, because there are some issues that I have to work through with food before I can ever hope to stick to a diet. We'll see how both of those go. I'm also going to try to get back into Walk Away The Pounds.

*taptap* Is this thing on?

I admit, I've been avoiding posting. I thought I had posted again after my fill though, but I know why I didn't.

My last fill was great. For about 3 weeks, I was eating very little, at LEAST half as much as what I usually eat. Maybe 1 cup of food? I was being very careful with my portions and especially my lunches, I only packed what I knew I could safely eat. And I was satisfied! I was doing great. About a week after my fill, I weighed myself. I usually lose anywhere from 5-9 pounds the week after a fill, so I was disappointed that I had only went from 404 to 402. I was so sure that I was finally going to break the 400 mark. But I figured, give it another week and I'm sure the weight loss will be reflected. Nope. Still at 402 the next week. And the next. Three weeks of awesome restriction and absolutely no weight loss. WTF. I knew how much I was eating, and I should have been losing.

It's been almost 6 weeks now and I'm getting really frustrated. My restriction has loosened again and I can eat more. Right now, I can eat like a freaking horse. I'm at the end of my birth control cycle though (3 months - Depo Provera shot) and I noticed that I'm hungry all the time and my eating tends to spin out of control when I get close to needing another shot. I'm getting it today, so hopefully things will pick back up in the next week or two.

I weighed myself this morning, but my scale has been pretty unreliable lately. If I move at all when I'm on the scale, the numbers jump around, and I can't find a perfectly level area of floor in my apartment to weigh myself on, so I have no idea how accurate it is. Anyway, this morning it kept bouncing between like 398 and 402 or so. COME ON. I've been waiting and waiting and waiting just to reach this first goal of getting under 400, and I can't get a concrete number. So I'm still saying I'm at 402, because I don't want to get my hopes up.

I know I haven't been eating the best choices either, and I'm wondering if it's time to suck it up and diet. I'm terrified of dieting because I crash badly when I can't keep up with it anymore. I'm thinking of doing just grilled chicken breasts and veggies for a few weeks and see what happens. I'm really starting to worry though that there is something wrong that's not allowing me to lose weight.

I'm finally in the mood to start walking outside again, but now it's already dark when I get off work. I think I'm going to get another Leslie Sansone Walk Away The Pounds DVD next week when my husband has a nice big discount at work. This is a special DVD that has 5 1-mile walks, intended to do one every day and they focus on different body areas every day. I think I need to put more effort into my weight loss, and if I start making myself get up earlier every morning, work out, then eat better during the day, I have to get a kick start on losing again. I shouldn't be plateaued after only 40 pounds out of 400.

I'll try to post more, and I know I say that every time, but I'm so tired of being a failure and it's hard to admit it. I still haven't even talked to my nurse practitioner yet after my fill because I was hoping for better news to give her. I think I'm going to make an appointment to see her, since I have to see her anyway before I can get another fill.