Ugh

I was just going to avoid posting for awhile, but I have to hold myself accountable. I finally weighed myself this past Saturday for the first time in about a month and a half. I gained, of course. I knew I couldn't keep eating as crazily as I was and maintain (or lose). I'm back up to 383.4 lbs. In the beginning of August, I was at 371, but I know I had weighed myself sometime after that and was around 374 or 375. It could have been a LOT bigger gain with the way I just went overboard this entire summer, so I'm not TOO heartbroken, but still disappointed.

This may sound weird, but the difference between saying I've lost 61 pounds and losing 70+ pounds is like the biggest gap for me. I don't really know how to explain it, but 60 pounds doesn't seem like that much, but 70-80 pounds seems like a lot. It pains me to say 61 pounds now.

Last time I posted, I promised myself I would stop eating fast food when Fall started. I went to McDonald's on Labor Day, but that was it. That was supposed to be my first day of "Fall". I did very well for 2 weeks, no fast food. Then I went 2 days in a row this past week. I don't even know why, I didn't really want a shake but I got one anyway both days. I gotta get my head in the right place.

So now I really have to get my ass back into gear. I know I need a fill. I can eat so much food right now, it's insane. But on the other hand, there are times when I'll just eat a few bites and my stomach literally hurts, and not like the full-feeling kind of hurt. It worries me that something may be wrong with my band, but it doesn't happen very often so I keep pushing it to the back of my mind.

Even if I -can- eat more food now doesn't mean that I have to fill my stomach! For the longest time I was doing pretty well with not stuffing myself to the gills and I was at least trying to follow the LapBand rules. Now I just don't stop eating until I'm beyond full. One of the things I've always been good at--not drinking with meals and afterwards--I've completely stopped. I don't even know why. I've NEVER had a problem with not drinking except when we went to restaurants, and I'm not sure why I started drinking again with my meals.

Anyway, I really just wanted to 'fess up about my weight gain, but I might as well make use of this blog while I'm here.

My Fall Goals:

1. NO MORE FAST FOOD!
2. Go back to following the LapBand meal-drinking rules.
3. Start forcing myself to eat smaller meals, there is no reason to eat as much as my stomach can, just because I can.
4. Do I want to set a weight goal? I've never been able to meet any weight goals I've ever set for myself. Okay, let's try it anyway. I'd like to lose 25 pounds by Christmas. I think that's a fair goal. It's possible if I just focus on needing to lose weight instead of thinking about how much I want those cookies I have hidden in my closet right now.

I'm going to try to check in at least once every 2 or 3 weeks and make sure I'm still thinking about and working on these goals. I even just took a few minutes to write down these goals and tape them to my monitor, where I will see them everyday. I might even put a big Post-It on my work computer with the drinking and 25 lbs.

Let's try this again!

A Breakthrough?

I do believe I had this mysterious "breakthrough" that everyone has been talking about.

My body has been restless for about a week. I've been dancing around the house, practicing ballet moves that I haven't done since high school, and generally full of energy. Today I decided to woman up and go for a walk, which I haven't done since my 5K back in April. I just started out walking casually and trying to decide how far I actually wanted to walk (if I wanted to do 1 mile or 2), but a little past the 1/4 mile mark, my body was begging me to run. This caught me off guard.

So...wait. My BODY wants to run. Suddenly, it was like something clicked in my head. I've been overweight since I was about 6 years old. However, I was ALWAYS an active child. I ran around the neighborhood, rode my bike or miles around town, I taught myself some gymnastics, I was in Show Choir, and I took dance classes during high school. Yes, I was a 300-pound dancer.

Everything just kind of made sense in that one moment when I realized what my BODY wanted, and not what my head always decided IT wanted. Is it possible that I was made to be an athlete? My body is CRAVING to be active, and there were times when I really thought that once I lost more weight, I'd actually be a runner, but today it just...made sense.

All these years my body has been telling me it wants to do more, but it was my lazy attitude, appetite, and general willingness to give up that held me back. I don't have the willpower to eat right and maintain an exercise routine.

So today, my body wanted to run, and I let it. I ran faster and longer than I ever have before, and I was walking faster between my running intervals. I REALLY wish I would have timed my 2 miles, I'm sure I beat my best time. My lungs weren't too happy about this new revelation, but they'll forgive me in time. I need to learn how to breathe when I run. It's generally not my legs that get tired of running, I just can't breathe well enough to keep going.

Also, my eating has been much much more under control since the last time I posted. No more Subway and Taco Bell, I've been eating Lean Cuisines for lunch and much happier about it. My milkshake obsession has also been calmed, I still have one or two a week but it's better than almost every day like I was! I promised myself that once fall comes, no more. And I'll stick to it.

I'm going to follow this breakthrough and see what comes of it. Maybe if I listen to my BODY more often and stop listening to my head so much, I think I'll be much better off.

Going In Circles

I lost about 30 pounds between December 21 (my last fill) and April. Then...I just kind of stalled again. I've been bouncing around the same few pounds. Right now I'm at 371. I passed my 2 year bandiversary in June, and I still haven't even lost 100 pounds. I can't blame my band. I make poor choices. I constantly eat more than I should, and more than what's comfortable to me. An entire burger from McDonald's will sent me into pain for hours, but yet I'll do it again. I feel like a masochist when it comes to food lately.

Time for full disclosure: I've been drinking vanilla milkshakes like nobody's business the last few weeks. I don't know why, I'm just absolutely addicted to them lately. I've been eating Taco Bell and Subway a few times a week for lunch at work instead of eating the frozen diet entree I bring with me. I've gotten back into the VERY bad habit of getting fast food and hiding the garbage from my husband. Sometimes I'll tell him what I did, but sometimes I won't. I spent most of my life with my mom having to hide everything, and I HATE that I still feel like I have to do it. My husband isn't mad at me when I mess up my diet and eat bad crap, he just wants to help me.

I know I need a fill, but I've been eating SO much food lately that I've probably stretched out my pouch (I almost had to have, I can eat WAY too much right now). I'm pretty sure that if I stopped eating so much, go back to small portions, I would probably be okay with my current fill level. But I just can't seem to get out of this groove.

The only progress that I feel I've made in the last few months is my body has learned a new trick--I'm not entirely sure how to explain it, but for example: I'll have my dinner, all the flavors will eventually be out of my mouth, and then I just feel like I don't want anymore tastes. I don't want to taste food again. It's a good thing, because then I'm not tempted to eat something else or have something my husband offers me. This has especially been happening at night, when I just don't want any flavors or food in my mouth besides just some Crystal Light or something. I repeat, this is a good thing.

I'm just thankful I haven't gained much weight despite all my recent indiscretions. Now I just have to prevent it from creeping up even more.

Crazy Month

The last month since I posted last has been absolutely insane. One week, we participated in the 5K that I already told you about. The very next week on a Thursday night, I ended up in the ER with a gallstone attack. At the time, I didn't know that's what it was, I thought my band had slipped or something. I was in the ER for 12 hours, not fun. They got the pain under control (it was BAD) and ran tests until they figured out that it was my gallbladder. Apparently, gallstones are common in people who have WLS, they tend to happen when people lose weight quickly. Of course there are other ways to get stones, but my doctors are pretty sure this was the case for me. I went home and it still took about 4 days before all the pain and soreness was gone, so by Monday I was okay.

A few days later, on Friday (May 7 for a timeframe), I woke up and felt a little soreness in the middle of my chest and back - the exact place I felt it during the first attack. I had a feeling what was coming, so I told my husband to keep his phone handy. I went to work and the pain increased during the day until I finally called and got an appointment with my band surgeon, who I was told to see for my gallbladder follow-up anyway. I left work at 3 PM, sat crying in pain in my doctor's waiting room for an hour, and after just a few minutes of talking to me, he told me he was admitting me to the hospital and they would take out the gallbladder. By 5 PM was sitting in the admitting waiting room, and I still didn't get any pain meds until 7 PM. I haven't been told all the results of the tests they ran, but from what I put together, the gallstones caused an infection in my gallbladder, which is why the pain came back so soon when I didn't eat anything that could really cause an attack. The ER just treated the symptoms but didn't catch the full cause.

Since my surgeon wasn't on call that weekend, the surgery had to wait until Monday. I sat in the hospital all weekend, mostly by myself since my husband could only come for a few hours Friday and Sunday. The pain was gone/under control by late Friday night, but then I was just uncomfortable from the stupid bed and having to sleep on my back, which causes a lot of pain for me.

They took my gallbladder out Monday afternoon, and originally my doctor said I might even be able to go home later that night, yeah right. I woke up with a drain in my stomach, I never ever want to go through that again. The stitches and incisions and pain were nothing compared to the discomfort that drain caused.

I was finally released Wednesday and stayed home from work Thursday and Friday. It still took a few more days for my digestion tract to settle down, the lingering discomfort to go away, and to just feel good enough to be up and about.

In a nutshell: Those two weeks of my life SUCKED. I also just got promoted at work a few days before I ended up in the hospital. It took weeks to get everything at home caught back up and back on track. It threw everything out of whack.

My weight fluctuated like crazy through all of this since I wasn't eating for a large chunk of those two weeks. The lowest I got down to was 363, and I was so happy about that (-81 pounds). The last time I weighed myself was at my doctor's office for a follow-up two weeks ago, I was 377 on their scale, but I had heavy clothes on, I hadn't went to the bathroom, and I was just unprepared to be weighed, so I don't know how accurate that was. I'm sure I gained weight since then as well, because I started pigging out like crazy, mostly because I was due for my birth control shot as well, which messes up my appetite. I also just went on a soda binge and drank quite a few 2 liters.

I'm going to try to weigh myself properly tomorrow morning, but today I'm already getting back on track with my diet. My snacking and bad habits HAVE to stop before I end up right back where I was before. I'm getting nervous that I might need another fill, because my insurance won't cover it. I might be on my own for awhile.

Run For The Wild 5K - DONE!

Today was the big day - the Run For The Wild 5K run/walk at the Bronx Zoo. I feel bad that I hadn't trained for it the way I wanted, I haven't walked in about two weeks except for last night. I did 1 mile last night - I do 7 30-second running intervals for 2 miles, and that's how many I did for 1 mile. I was very proud of myself. I only did 1 mile because I didn't want to be sore for today.

We got up bright and early today and got there, parked, got our T-shirts, and were ready to go 10 minutes before the casual run/walkers started. The regular runners started at 8:30, we started at 9. I had every intention of doing some jogging intervals, but there were so many people that it just wouldn't have worked, it was too congested for most of the walk. I'm kind of glad I didn't do any running though, the course was much more difficult than my usual flat, straight line. Very twisty-turny, and a few uphill areas. The worst part was a little bit after the 2 mile mark (with 1 mile to go) we had to walk right by the finish area where they were serving breakfast and had music and activities. I was honestly surprised at how many people "cheated" during this - they crossed taped-off areas to shortcut around a loop, etc. The biggest thing was when we went past the finish area, suddenly there was a lot less congestion. I don't want to think about how many people just stopped there and called it a day without finishing the full 3.1 miles. It makes me sad that people would do that at a fund-raising event.

They didn't have a digital clock at the finish line for the walkers, but by my cell phone, I walked further than I usual do, a harder course than I usually do, and I still beat my best 3-mile time! My best time before this was 1 hour 15 mins, when I finally thought to check my phone, it was exactly 10:15 - and this was after a slow start through the starting line with so many people, and we wasted a few minutes at the finish line taking pictures and such before I finally thought to check the time, so I would guess my actual time was at the very latest 1:12, probably a few minutes faster. Either way, still faster.

We stayed and enjoyed the zoo after the walk and probably walked another 1 or 2 miles. We had planned to go see more at the zoo, but our favorite exhibit was closed down due to budget cuts so we were disappointed, and we were getting too tired to keep going, so we went home earlier than expected. I DID get to meet Jeff Corwin though, which makes me very happy, I respect and admire that man so much. He was there for his own book promotion event and not for the run, but it was an awesome coincidence.

70 Pounds!

374 on the scale this morning, 70 pounds gone for good! The Run For the Wild 5K run/walk is in three weeks. Yesterday we went to the Bronx Zoo just for fun, it was a gorgeous 70+ degrees. We got memberships so we can go anytime we have some time off together, which I'm very happy about. Lots of walking. Two of my favorite exhibits were closed yesterday, though (World of Birds and World of Darkness). I felt a little lethargic yesterday, my legs didn't feel like moving, but I never had to stop to rest and I still kept going. I'm a little sick right now, possibly with Mono, but that won't stop me.

Last time I wrote, I did end up walking another 2 miles the next day. I was sore as hell after walking over 5 miles in 3 days, after not walking for months, but I got over it. Even though I was still a little tired from yesterday at the zoo and still feeling under the weather, I did another 2 miles today. The cool thing is that, even though it was probably a bad idea, I did my jogging intervals. I even upped the duration of a few intervals. Usually I do 30 seconds at each 1/4 mile mark. Here's what I did:

1/4 mile - 30 seconds
1/2 mile - 30 seconds
3/4 mile - 45 seconds
1 mile - 30 seconds
1 1/4 mile - 45 seconds
1 1/2 mile - 30 seconds
1 3/4 mile - 60 seconds!

The full minute is a big deal for me, even though I could barely walk after it, I DID IT. Right now I don't know if I'm going to do any running at the 5K, I'm afraid of tiring myself out and I really don't want to be the last person to finish. I only walk about 2.5 miles/hour so I'm hoping families with little kids and strollers will still be behind me.

My full time today from the car to the car (so a little more than 2 miles) was 48 minutes. My average walking time for 2 miles last summer was 51-52 minutes, I couldn't find what my run/walk time was. Ah well. It can only get better.

This week is supposed to be pretty nice weather, except, of course, my birthday on Friday. We're going down to Manhattan for the Museum of Modern Art (Tim Burton has an exhibition right now that I really want to see) and I was hoping to go to the Central Park Zoo for a little bit. Of COURSE it's supposed to rain. Just my luck that it's the ONLY day it's supposed to rain this week.

Keep It Going!

I got my lazy, procrastinating butt into motion last night and went for a walk around our new neighborhood. I walked about 1.25 miles. I was hoping to find a 2 mile route, but I'm horrible at judging distances, so I still need to figure that out. Over 1/4 mile of that was completely uphill, so I'm very happy even with what I did walk.

Today, I went back to my normal walking trail and walked 2 miles. No excuses, just did it. It was absolutely gorgeous, 70 degrees, sunshine, with a breeze that was just bitter enough to keep me cool. All I had before my walk was a little bit of Crystal Light, so I made myself hold off a little longer and weighed myself before having lunch. I lost 4 more pounds this week! I thought I would have gained since I ate like crap a few days, but I'm not complaining.

I'm also proud because on my way home from walking, I stopped at a deli and got myself a turkey, muenster, tomato, and mayo sandwich. I avoided ALL other temptations - my two absolute favorite sodas, loads of sweets, chips, etc...and just got the sandwich. You can tell me mayo isn't great for me either, but still better than what else I would have gotten if I didn't hold myself back. It was like a sub sandwich, and I only ate half of it. Very very happy with myself today.

So now I'm just relaxing for a little bit and watching the cats enjoy the open windows. More walking tomorrow! Monday and Tuesday are supposed to be crappy so I'm going to get moving while I can.