Going In Circles

I lost about 30 pounds between December 21 (my last fill) and April. Then...I just kind of stalled again. I've been bouncing around the same few pounds. Right now I'm at 371. I passed my 2 year bandiversary in June, and I still haven't even lost 100 pounds. I can't blame my band. I make poor choices. I constantly eat more than I should, and more than what's comfortable to me. An entire burger from McDonald's will sent me into pain for hours, but yet I'll do it again. I feel like a masochist when it comes to food lately.

Time for full disclosure: I've been drinking vanilla milkshakes like nobody's business the last few weeks. I don't know why, I'm just absolutely addicted to them lately. I've been eating Taco Bell and Subway a few times a week for lunch at work instead of eating the frozen diet entree I bring with me. I've gotten back into the VERY bad habit of getting fast food and hiding the garbage from my husband. Sometimes I'll tell him what I did, but sometimes I won't. I spent most of my life with my mom having to hide everything, and I HATE that I still feel like I have to do it. My husband isn't mad at me when I mess up my diet and eat bad crap, he just wants to help me.

I know I need a fill, but I've been eating SO much food lately that I've probably stretched out my pouch (I almost had to have, I can eat WAY too much right now). I'm pretty sure that if I stopped eating so much, go back to small portions, I would probably be okay with my current fill level. But I just can't seem to get out of this groove.

The only progress that I feel I've made in the last few months is my body has learned a new trick--I'm not entirely sure how to explain it, but for example: I'll have my dinner, all the flavors will eventually be out of my mouth, and then I just feel like I don't want anymore tastes. I don't want to taste food again. It's a good thing, because then I'm not tempted to eat something else or have something my husband offers me. This has especially been happening at night, when I just don't want any flavors or food in my mouth besides just some Crystal Light or something. I repeat, this is a good thing.

I'm just thankful I haven't gained much weight despite all my recent indiscretions. Now I just have to prevent it from creeping up even more.