Ugh

I was just going to avoid posting for awhile, but I have to hold myself accountable. I finally weighed myself this past Saturday for the first time in about a month and a half. I gained, of course. I knew I couldn't keep eating as crazily as I was and maintain (or lose). I'm back up to 383.4 lbs. In the beginning of August, I was at 371, but I know I had weighed myself sometime after that and was around 374 or 375. It could have been a LOT bigger gain with the way I just went overboard this entire summer, so I'm not TOO heartbroken, but still disappointed.

This may sound weird, but the difference between saying I've lost 61 pounds and losing 70+ pounds is like the biggest gap for me. I don't really know how to explain it, but 60 pounds doesn't seem like that much, but 70-80 pounds seems like a lot. It pains me to say 61 pounds now.

Last time I posted, I promised myself I would stop eating fast food when Fall started. I went to McDonald's on Labor Day, but that was it. That was supposed to be my first day of "Fall". I did very well for 2 weeks, no fast food. Then I went 2 days in a row this past week. I don't even know why, I didn't really want a shake but I got one anyway both days. I gotta get my head in the right place.

So now I really have to get my ass back into gear. I know I need a fill. I can eat so much food right now, it's insane. But on the other hand, there are times when I'll just eat a few bites and my stomach literally hurts, and not like the full-feeling kind of hurt. It worries me that something may be wrong with my band, but it doesn't happen very often so I keep pushing it to the back of my mind.

Even if I -can- eat more food now doesn't mean that I have to fill my stomach! For the longest time I was doing pretty well with not stuffing myself to the gills and I was at least trying to follow the LapBand rules. Now I just don't stop eating until I'm beyond full. One of the things I've always been good at--not drinking with meals and afterwards--I've completely stopped. I don't even know why. I've NEVER had a problem with not drinking except when we went to restaurants, and I'm not sure why I started drinking again with my meals.

Anyway, I really just wanted to 'fess up about my weight gain, but I might as well make use of this blog while I'm here.

My Fall Goals:

1. NO MORE FAST FOOD!
2. Go back to following the LapBand meal-drinking rules.
3. Start forcing myself to eat smaller meals, there is no reason to eat as much as my stomach can, just because I can.
4. Do I want to set a weight goal? I've never been able to meet any weight goals I've ever set for myself. Okay, let's try it anyway. I'd like to lose 25 pounds by Christmas. I think that's a fair goal. It's possible if I just focus on needing to lose weight instead of thinking about how much I want those cookies I have hidden in my closet right now.

I'm going to try to check in at least once every 2 or 3 weeks and make sure I'm still thinking about and working on these goals. I even just took a few minutes to write down these goals and tape them to my monitor, where I will see them everyday. I might even put a big Post-It on my work computer with the drinking and 25 lbs.

Let's try this again!