Merry Christmas To Me!

My wonderful husband gave me a FitBit for Christmas yesterday. I've wanted one for so long, but I just never got off my duff and ordered the $100 thing. I'm still playing with it to get it to record my sleep correctly and figuring out how to get it to stop thinking I'm walking when I'm driving the car, but this will be a very powerful tool for me.

This sounds really bad, but I'm just giving myself until the end of the year (this week) to eat normally, enjoy Christmas cookies, play with our new KitchenAid ice cream maker attachment, etc. We've ALL heard this before, but come New Year's Day, I am fully dedicating myself back to my body. I don't even need a reason anymore, I JUST HAVE TO DO IT!

That's all there is to it, I don't need another long post about it. In the words of many of my fellow Bandsters, it's time to CUT THE CRAP!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

What?

It would be so easy to just avoid posting here so that nobody but myself would know what happened.

This morning's weight: 393 lbs.

Last time we talked, I was 383. Wasn't I supposed to be LOSING weight?

Here I thought I might have actually lost some, too. I started volunteering at an animal shelter, so I've been exercising (cleaning cat rooms is tough work!). Last week I even cut out the snacks and crap (and relapsed this past weekend through this week).

I really had to think about why I've been gaining again, and I finally nailed the main culprit: SODA. I've been drinking soda again like crazy. I don't drink it at work, but once I'm home, I drink several glasses a night. I know some of my other bad snack habits are also to blame, but I'm thinking soda is the main cause. It's harder for me to consider drinks as serious calories.

This really sucks though, I do NOT want to see 400 on the scale again. I REALLY have to get my act back together. Great timing too, since the holidays are starting up (ugh).

I NEED A FILL! AHHHHHH.

Bandster Quiz

I found this on another Bandster's blog and thought it was something fun:

How long have you been banded? 2 years and 4 months.

What was your highest pre-band weight? / Current weight now? / Total lost to date? Highest: 444 lbs / Current: 383 lbs / Total lost to date: 61 lbs (I've lost 81 but gained 20 back).

What is your best "go-to" food to get in your protein? I prefer chicken when I can get it, but when I'm at work with few choices, I have a few protein shake packets in my desk. They don't keep me full, though, just tide me over until lunch or until I get home for supper.

What is your favorite protein brand/shake? I'm still trying to find a shake I really really like. GNC had a brand called beFulfilled and it was better than most, but they discontinued it. Their Lean Shake line is similar tasting, though, so I'll probably stick to that when I need it. I generally don't like shakes though and would rather get the same calories from food that will fill me up.

What food do you miss the most now being post-band? Soda. I'm still having a hard time staying away from it. I really miss buttered toast in the morning, it hurts my stomach too bad though so I just stay away from it.

What is your favorite "mushy" food? Mashed potatoes.

What was your worst PB experience? Actually, it was this past weekend. I was eating a panini (pressed Italian hot sandwich) at a convention and I got stuck REALLY bad. All of the bathroom lines were absolutely insane, since I had just tried to go a few minutes before eating, so I literally just had to stand there with my husband, hurting really bad, and waiting for it to go down. I was afraid I'd have to throw up in a garbage can in front of huge crowds of people. It eventually went down, but it was an awful feeling that I couldn't run to the bathroom.

What has been the hardest part of this journey so far for you? Not being able to get the fills I need. I know I have a lot of habits I need to change for myself, but having restriction really does push my weight loss. It's been proven every time I get a fill; I don't really eat differently, my meal sizes just drop drastically, and snacking disappears when I have restriction.

What is your best NSV to date? This is hard, because since I haven't really lost much weight compared to how much I still have to go, not a whole lot has changed. I guess the best NSV is that I am able to walk 3 miles relatively easily--there aren't too many 400 lb people that can say that (yes, I'm a little under that now, but I could do it still in the 400s).

What is your top non-weight goal for your band? (top NSV maybe?) I have two things that I really want: to be able to wear normal-sized clothing, and to be able to cross my legs like a lady, something I've never been able to do.

What is your goal weight or size? My weight goal is 150 lbs, which depends on how my body looks when I actually get under 200. Since I haven't been a normal weight since I was about 6 years old, I have no idea what kind of body frame I have. I would like to wear a size 10 or 12 at the most.

What band "rule" do you live by (i.e. don't cheat on)? I used to be absolutely strict with the no drinking before, during, and after meals. Only within the last few months has that wavered.

What band "rule" do you not follow as much or aren't so good at? Chewing well and taking small bites, and stopping when satisfied, NOT when burstingly full!

What is your goal "reward"? I would ultimately like plastic surgery since I know I'm going to have lots of loose skin, but more realistically, I'd just like some nice clothing and such. Maybe a two-piece swimsuit!

In the spirit of Thanksgiving being right around the corner (US), what are you most thankful for, post-band? I'm very very thankful for the Nurse Practitioner my doctor hired after my surgery. She's been an absolute Godsend and I couldn't have gotten most of the fills I've had without her, and she's ready to kick my ass when I need it.

Checking In

It's been about two weeks since my last post/weigh-in, and my weight is EXACTLY the same, to the decimal. I have been doing better, but not perfect. I still had McDonald's a few times, but not nearly as much as I was having it before. I still have some cookies and stuff in my desk, but I'm being a little more stingy about it. I haven't gained, at least. I haven't had any soda, though, beyond some Japanese soda we got at the New York Comic Con/Anime Fest this past weekend.

It's actually really hard to admit here how bad I've been doing about all of this. I know when I read other LapBander blogs, I do it for inspiration, to see how well others are doing so that I know I can do it, too. I can only imagine what people who stumble across my blog think of my habits. But, I guess this is more realistic: even with the Band, losing weight is hard. It's hard to break food habits. The Band is NOT the full answer. Sometimes my stomach will hurt from being full or being mildly stuck on something, but I'll keep eating. My head just does NOT want to follow.

Anyway, I'll check back in again soon, hopefully with better news.

Ugh

I was just going to avoid posting for awhile, but I have to hold myself accountable. I finally weighed myself this past Saturday for the first time in about a month and a half. I gained, of course. I knew I couldn't keep eating as crazily as I was and maintain (or lose). I'm back up to 383.4 lbs. In the beginning of August, I was at 371, but I know I had weighed myself sometime after that and was around 374 or 375. It could have been a LOT bigger gain with the way I just went overboard this entire summer, so I'm not TOO heartbroken, but still disappointed.

This may sound weird, but the difference between saying I've lost 61 pounds and losing 70+ pounds is like the biggest gap for me. I don't really know how to explain it, but 60 pounds doesn't seem like that much, but 70-80 pounds seems like a lot. It pains me to say 61 pounds now.

Last time I posted, I promised myself I would stop eating fast food when Fall started. I went to McDonald's on Labor Day, but that was it. That was supposed to be my first day of "Fall". I did very well for 2 weeks, no fast food. Then I went 2 days in a row this past week. I don't even know why, I didn't really want a shake but I got one anyway both days. I gotta get my head in the right place.

So now I really have to get my ass back into gear. I know I need a fill. I can eat so much food right now, it's insane. But on the other hand, there are times when I'll just eat a few bites and my stomach literally hurts, and not like the full-feeling kind of hurt. It worries me that something may be wrong with my band, but it doesn't happen very often so I keep pushing it to the back of my mind.

Even if I -can- eat more food now doesn't mean that I have to fill my stomach! For the longest time I was doing pretty well with not stuffing myself to the gills and I was at least trying to follow the LapBand rules. Now I just don't stop eating until I'm beyond full. One of the things I've always been good at--not drinking with meals and afterwards--I've completely stopped. I don't even know why. I've NEVER had a problem with not drinking except when we went to restaurants, and I'm not sure why I started drinking again with my meals.

Anyway, I really just wanted to 'fess up about my weight gain, but I might as well make use of this blog while I'm here.

My Fall Goals:

1. NO MORE FAST FOOD!
2. Go back to following the LapBand meal-drinking rules.
3. Start forcing myself to eat smaller meals, there is no reason to eat as much as my stomach can, just because I can.
4. Do I want to set a weight goal? I've never been able to meet any weight goals I've ever set for myself. Okay, let's try it anyway. I'd like to lose 25 pounds by Christmas. I think that's a fair goal. It's possible if I just focus on needing to lose weight instead of thinking about how much I want those cookies I have hidden in my closet right now.

I'm going to try to check in at least once every 2 or 3 weeks and make sure I'm still thinking about and working on these goals. I even just took a few minutes to write down these goals and tape them to my monitor, where I will see them everyday. I might even put a big Post-It on my work computer with the drinking and 25 lbs.

Let's try this again!

A Breakthrough?

I do believe I had this mysterious "breakthrough" that everyone has been talking about.

My body has been restless for about a week. I've been dancing around the house, practicing ballet moves that I haven't done since high school, and generally full of energy. Today I decided to woman up and go for a walk, which I haven't done since my 5K back in April. I just started out walking casually and trying to decide how far I actually wanted to walk (if I wanted to do 1 mile or 2), but a little past the 1/4 mile mark, my body was begging me to run. This caught me off guard.

So...wait. My BODY wants to run. Suddenly, it was like something clicked in my head. I've been overweight since I was about 6 years old. However, I was ALWAYS an active child. I ran around the neighborhood, rode my bike or miles around town, I taught myself some gymnastics, I was in Show Choir, and I took dance classes during high school. Yes, I was a 300-pound dancer.

Everything just kind of made sense in that one moment when I realized what my BODY wanted, and not what my head always decided IT wanted. Is it possible that I was made to be an athlete? My body is CRAVING to be active, and there were times when I really thought that once I lost more weight, I'd actually be a runner, but today it just...made sense.

All these years my body has been telling me it wants to do more, but it was my lazy attitude, appetite, and general willingness to give up that held me back. I don't have the willpower to eat right and maintain an exercise routine.

So today, my body wanted to run, and I let it. I ran faster and longer than I ever have before, and I was walking faster between my running intervals. I REALLY wish I would have timed my 2 miles, I'm sure I beat my best time. My lungs weren't too happy about this new revelation, but they'll forgive me in time. I need to learn how to breathe when I run. It's generally not my legs that get tired of running, I just can't breathe well enough to keep going.

Also, my eating has been much much more under control since the last time I posted. No more Subway and Taco Bell, I've been eating Lean Cuisines for lunch and much happier about it. My milkshake obsession has also been calmed, I still have one or two a week but it's better than almost every day like I was! I promised myself that once fall comes, no more. And I'll stick to it.

I'm going to follow this breakthrough and see what comes of it. Maybe if I listen to my BODY more often and stop listening to my head so much, I think I'll be much better off.

Going In Circles

I lost about 30 pounds between December 21 (my last fill) and April. Then...I just kind of stalled again. I've been bouncing around the same few pounds. Right now I'm at 371. I passed my 2 year bandiversary in June, and I still haven't even lost 100 pounds. I can't blame my band. I make poor choices. I constantly eat more than I should, and more than what's comfortable to me. An entire burger from McDonald's will sent me into pain for hours, but yet I'll do it again. I feel like a masochist when it comes to food lately.

Time for full disclosure: I've been drinking vanilla milkshakes like nobody's business the last few weeks. I don't know why, I'm just absolutely addicted to them lately. I've been eating Taco Bell and Subway a few times a week for lunch at work instead of eating the frozen diet entree I bring with me. I've gotten back into the VERY bad habit of getting fast food and hiding the garbage from my husband. Sometimes I'll tell him what I did, but sometimes I won't. I spent most of my life with my mom having to hide everything, and I HATE that I still feel like I have to do it. My husband isn't mad at me when I mess up my diet and eat bad crap, he just wants to help me.

I know I need a fill, but I've been eating SO much food lately that I've probably stretched out my pouch (I almost had to have, I can eat WAY too much right now). I'm pretty sure that if I stopped eating so much, go back to small portions, I would probably be okay with my current fill level. But I just can't seem to get out of this groove.

The only progress that I feel I've made in the last few months is my body has learned a new trick--I'm not entirely sure how to explain it, but for example: I'll have my dinner, all the flavors will eventually be out of my mouth, and then I just feel like I don't want anymore tastes. I don't want to taste food again. It's a good thing, because then I'm not tempted to eat something else or have something my husband offers me. This has especially been happening at night, when I just don't want any flavors or food in my mouth besides just some Crystal Light or something. I repeat, this is a good thing.

I'm just thankful I haven't gained much weight despite all my recent indiscretions. Now I just have to prevent it from creeping up even more.