Anyone Out There? I'm Still Here

Well, you know what it means if I haven't been around. It means nothing good has happened! I have basically hovered around the same weight for a year and a half now. I'm currently at 410, which actually surprised me because I could have sworn I was back up somewhere around my starting weight with how sluggish I feel lately. I think I'm just burnt out though. I haven't had a fill since I last posted. My insurance still doesn't cover it. My company is changing insurances yet again in January, so we'll see if it covers WLS stuff or not this time. I want to see my doctor, but I feel so hopelessly like a failure, and I don't want him to know how poorly I've been doing. I could afford a fill. I keep thinking after I get back down to maybe 380 then I'd go get a fill, but I don't know if I can do it alone. We bought a house this past January, and ever since then, my eating has been an absolute roller coaster. The kitchen in this house is downstairs, away from the rest of the house (bedrooms and living room are upstairs). Several times, I've bought crap food to eat in the office upstairs instead of having to go downstairs and get real food. Chips and dip - HELLO? trigger food! I've also ended up drinking a lot of soda again, which I'm now tapering off. The soda is also related to the kitchen problem, because I don't have easy access to a pitcher of Crystal Light anymore. I've noticed that Crystal Light actually molds if left out too long, so I buy a lot more of the individual packs now. Since we do have a house now, we started fostering cats for a local rescue group. This keeps me so busy that it's just another problem, we eat out a lot now because neither of us have the energy to cook, etc. I'm so tired when I get home at night that I don't want to do anything. I get very little exercise. Anyway, I just felt the need to hold myself accountable and post what's going on. I can't hide forever. Just because I don't tell people about it doesn't mean there isn't a problem.

FOOD.

For the most part, I've been really good about walking more and trying to exercise every day. Of course, the exercise led to tendonitis in my ankle, in which my doctor told me to take a week of the Wii (I only took a few days off since then, I didn't want to stop).

That being said, I still can't seem to get a good handle on my eating. Last week, I gained 3 lbs back up to 394. This week, I did manage to lose 1 pound, so 393 now. However, this still only puts me at -4 lbs since the beginning of the year, and that is unacceptable to me.

On Valentine's Day, we went to a nice restaurant but the food wasn't that great, so even though I was full, I just wasn't mentally satisfied and I wanted dessert. We ended up just getting shakes at McDonald's, and my husband agreed that it was okay since it was a special occasion. Then that special occasion led to me going through McD's again for a shake the next day. I had to put the brakes on that train FAST, because shakes are one of the big reasons I gained so much weight last summer/fall. I also did badly the week before and had 2 boxes (8 cookies each) of Mrs. Fields cookies over a few days.

At least my ravenous eating due to birth control shot has been subdued, but I just can't seem to eat reasonable portions and avoid the junk. I had some soda this weekend, too.

Ugh. I know I can be a clumsy person, but why do I keep falling off this damn wagon?

This Can't Be Easy, Can It?

I was supposed to get my birth control shot this morning, which would get rid of this awful bottomless pit of a stomach I have lately. I showed up to the office even 30 mins early to do paperwork, and they told me that she was working in another location today, didn't anyone tell me? Yeah...they told me she would be at THIS location. So I had to reschedule for Thursday. I don't know if I can handle the constant hunger much longer!

Checking In

So...no weight loss this week (possibly even gained 1 pound, the scale wouldn't decide between the two). I'm not upset about it this time, because it was kind of expected, for a few reasons. While I still physically worked hard, those chips and dip I mentioned in my last post got the best of me for a few days, and I had some sweets throughout the week, including a slice of cheesecake at The Cheesecake Factory today (after an already big meal).

The other reason is that I'm due for my Depo-Provera birth control shot, which I get on Monday. I think I've talked about this before, but just a quick refresh, every 3 months I get this shot, and for a few weeks around my "window" to get it, my hormones start acting up and I'm usually hungry all the time, regardless of my band. This week was no exception. For awhile I actually thought something was wrong, maybe the saline didn't actually get into the band or something during my fill (since it was done in the office and not under flouro), but then I realized what was going on. So for now, I'm withholding judgement about my fill until at least a few days after my shot so I can give it a fair chance before declaring failure.

I know I let my eating get the best of me this again week, and it's something I really need to work on. My new mantra hasn't been working out too well for me - "Don't trade what you want most for what you want at the moment." Food is one of those instantly gratifying things that it's hard for me to say no to.

I've been watching this new show called "Heavy" on A&E (Mondays at 10 PM EST) that every week, it shows 2 people who participate in a 6-month weight loss program. The first month is spent at a weight loss facility, the last 5 months are spent at home with a personal trainer. I like it better than the Biggest Loser because there's no competition in it. But anyway, one of the participants reminded me that unlike drugs and alcohol, food addictions are harder to deal with because you still need to eat. Ain't it the truth.

Disappointment

My fill is doing okay so far, if I would stop eating past when I feel full *sigh*. I always have problems with wanting to eat more than I need to.

I worked out every single day last week for at least 45 minutes, sometimes more (like 2 hours Saturday, 3 hours yesterday...). Saturday I weighed myself, and I lost 1 single pound. Yep, just 1. After that I just sat in bed for about 15 minutes being pissed off and ready to give up. I worked REALLY hard last week and had nothing to show for it.

But unfortunately, I can't give up. 391 lbs is NOT an okay weight to stay at.

My biggest trigger food is chips and dip. I am WELL aware of this. Last week my husband made homemade guacamole after seeing it made at a restaurant a few weeks ago, so we had that with tortilla chips. He wanted to make it again, but I just didn't buy the avocados because I knew what would happen. So what did I do instead? Yesterday, I thought my favorite spinach dip was on sale, so I bought 2 jars of it (ended up not being on sale, but I didn't know until after I paid) and 2 bags of tortilla chips. I sat down and ate about 4/5 of one bag of chips and one jar of dip. I estimated about 1500 calories for that little binge. Trigger food. I just can't keep chips in the house at all or this is what happens, but I don't know when I'm going to learn my lesson. I've been REALLY good about not buying sweets, I don't know why I thought chips were different. Sweets were never really my big problems, it was always eating large portions of "regular" food.

Live and learn, right?

So this morning, I didn't feel like eating anything while at home before I left. I had to run an errand before work and ended up having a little extra time, so I decided to stop at Smoothie King for the first time and see what they had. I decided on a medium "Trim Down" Passion Passport smoothie, no additions. 1. The "medium" is THIRTY-TWO OUNCES (32!!). I figured at best it would be 16 oz. 2. They had no nutritional info posted, but I figured since it was on the "Trim Down" menu, it couldn't be too bad. I looked it up online when I got to work - the medium is 592 calories. Seriously? What else is in this besides ice and fruit? I didn't taste any yogurt or anything in it, so I have no idea how the calories got so inflated. Just another lesson that just because something is diet or light doesn't mean it's really that great.

What a way to start the week so far.

Soup For Dinner!

Only in crazy LapBand Land would anyone be excited to be on a liquid diet. Because, my friends, that means I got a fill today! My doctor scolded me a little for not calling sooner to find out about a fill, even without insurance paying for it. Either way though, he did it in the office for me, and if this fill isn't enough he'll do another one soon, otherwise, if it's good, another one in 6-8 weeks. He really is a good guy and I'm thankful to have him for my doctor. He even mentioned he could fix the scars from my gallbladder surgery that didn't heal nicely at some point.

After my last fill, I was up to 10.5cc, there was 10 left in there today, and he added 2 more, so up to 12cc now. I better hit a good spot soon, I don't have much room left to work with!

Peer Pressure

I got up my courage and stepped on the scale this morning. I FINALLY started losing again for the first time since last May - 5 pounds down to 392! I was starting to get discouraged that my improved (not perfect, but better) eating habits and walking more haven't been making a difference. Seeing the weight go down is the best motivation I can have. I'm also glad that it's starting BEFORE I get a fill, to show myself that I CAN do it if I just put my mind to it.

As for this post's title - Peer Pressure - I went and bought a Wii today. There is a large group of people in the fitbit community who play this walking game called Walk It Out and always talk about how addicting it is, how many steps they rack up on it, etc...I just couldn't help myself. Last year, DH and I were trying to decide between the Wii and the Xbox 360. We got the 360, but since the Wii was even a contender, he agreed that it would be worth it if we got the Wii now as well. I picked up the Walk It Out game, a Jillian Michaels game, and they had the Wii Fit (just the game, not the balance board) for $4. I don't know yet if I can use the Wii Fit game without a board, and I don't WANT a board, but I figure for $4, nothing is really lost if I can't use it without one.

Cheers!

Why Didn't I Do This Earlier?

I FINALLY called my doctor's office today to find out about fills for self-pay. If it's done in the office, it's $150. That's it. 150 measly dollars. If I had gotten up the courage and found this out, oh, last spring, I wouldn't be 30 pounds heavier right now. I feel like an idiot. I was afraid it would be like $500, which I definitely wouldn't be able to shell out on a regular basis.

Bad news though, my nurse practitioner that I love so much has left my doctor's practice. She works at a hospital now, so I can't even follow her to continue seeing her. The good news is that I already got an appointment with my regular doctor next Tuesday, which is amazing - usually I have to schedule 2-3 weeks out with him because he's so busy. The woman told me that he might be able to do the fill right then, or it might have to wait for another appointment since it's been over a year since my last fill. I'm hoping for it next week, but I have a feeling he'll make me see the dietitian first (hurray, another $75 wasted, since she doesn't tell me anything I don't already know). Maybe I can swing him to just do the fill this time and I'll see her for the next one, since I've already waited so long. We'll see.

In other news, my New Year's Resolutions aren't dead, at least. I haven't been perfect, but I've been doing okay. Here are my new rules:
No fast food - Check! I haven't had fast food at all
No soda - Check! This one is actually easy for me if I just stick to it
No snacks - Not so good at home, been good about this at work, except for the following
No sweets - I haven't BOUGHT any sweets, I've been really good when grocery shopping. My problem is at work, my coworker brings in chocolates and cookies all the time. I've been failing this most days if there are sweets available. It's not huge quantities, for example, yesterday was 2 cookies and 2 chocolates, but it's still a failure.

I think my biggest thing to work on right now is at home - I tend to eat big quantities since I don't have restriction, and if I'm home for long periods of time, I tend to eat almost constantly. When I'm at the computer, I feel the need to eat all the time. I need to redirect that. Not sure how, but I have to figure it out.

Great news though is that my Fitbit is helping in ways I was hoping it would. There is also a REALLY great community for Fitbit users on Facebook, and they have been so supportive. Since it logs my steps for the day, I have been setting goals. I also have it set up so that my daily totals post automatically to Facebook, so people can see them and it holds me accountable if I don't reach my goal, because then it's not just me who knows, it's everyone! My goal last week was 5,000 steps a day, and I reached it every day except one (I was 150 steps short; we had a last minute change of plans to have dinner and a movie, which I couldn't get up and move around like I wanted to). This week's goal is 6,000/day, and I hit it both Sunday and yesterday so far. I plan to increase my goal 1,000/day each week until I get to 10,000, which is the recommended number of steps for health.

This is really good because it's encouraging me to move around more than I would normally. Right now I'm working on getting up and walking around in the hallways once an hour at work. At home, I walk in place or pace back and forth to reach my goal for the day. I know I will need to start exercising again to reach the higher goals, and increased movement is gearing me up for it.

So with the Fitbit and a fill in the near future, I think this year will be MUCH better than the last.

Oh, and one more thing: I joined some of my high school friends in a group for the Biggest Loser Pound for Pound Challenge - my goal is to lose 30 pounds by the end of May. It's a lower goal than I would normally set, but I haven't been very good about keeping goals, so I'm trying something new; set a lower goal and hope to ACTUALLY reach it.

Merry Christmas To Me!

My wonderful husband gave me a FitBit for Christmas yesterday. I've wanted one for so long, but I just never got off my duff and ordered the $100 thing. I'm still playing with it to get it to record my sleep correctly and figuring out how to get it to stop thinking I'm walking when I'm driving the car, but this will be a very powerful tool for me.

This sounds really bad, but I'm just giving myself until the end of the year (this week) to eat normally, enjoy Christmas cookies, play with our new KitchenAid ice cream maker attachment, etc. We've ALL heard this before, but come New Year's Day, I am fully dedicating myself back to my body. I don't even need a reason anymore, I JUST HAVE TO DO IT!

That's all there is to it, I don't need another long post about it. In the words of many of my fellow Bandsters, it's time to CUT THE CRAP!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

What?

It would be so easy to just avoid posting here so that nobody but myself would know what happened.

This morning's weight: 393 lbs.

Last time we talked, I was 383. Wasn't I supposed to be LOSING weight?

Here I thought I might have actually lost some, too. I started volunteering at an animal shelter, so I've been exercising (cleaning cat rooms is tough work!). Last week I even cut out the snacks and crap (and relapsed this past weekend through this week).

I really had to think about why I've been gaining again, and I finally nailed the main culprit: SODA. I've been drinking soda again like crazy. I don't drink it at work, but once I'm home, I drink several glasses a night. I know some of my other bad snack habits are also to blame, but I'm thinking soda is the main cause. It's harder for me to consider drinks as serious calories.

This really sucks though, I do NOT want to see 400 on the scale again. I REALLY have to get my act back together. Great timing too, since the holidays are starting up (ugh).

I NEED A FILL! AHHHHHH.

Bandster Quiz

I found this on another Bandster's blog and thought it was something fun:

How long have you been banded? 2 years and 4 months.

What was your highest pre-band weight? / Current weight now? / Total lost to date? Highest: 444 lbs / Current: 383 lbs / Total lost to date: 61 lbs (I've lost 81 but gained 20 back).

What is your best "go-to" food to get in your protein? I prefer chicken when I can get it, but when I'm at work with few choices, I have a few protein shake packets in my desk. They don't keep me full, though, just tide me over until lunch or until I get home for supper.

What is your favorite protein brand/shake? I'm still trying to find a shake I really really like. GNC had a brand called beFulfilled and it was better than most, but they discontinued it. Their Lean Shake line is similar tasting, though, so I'll probably stick to that when I need it. I generally don't like shakes though and would rather get the same calories from food that will fill me up.

What food do you miss the most now being post-band? Soda. I'm still having a hard time staying away from it. I really miss buttered toast in the morning, it hurts my stomach too bad though so I just stay away from it.

What is your favorite "mushy" food? Mashed potatoes.

What was your worst PB experience? Actually, it was this past weekend. I was eating a panini (pressed Italian hot sandwich) at a convention and I got stuck REALLY bad. All of the bathroom lines were absolutely insane, since I had just tried to go a few minutes before eating, so I literally just had to stand there with my husband, hurting really bad, and waiting for it to go down. I was afraid I'd have to throw up in a garbage can in front of huge crowds of people. It eventually went down, but it was an awful feeling that I couldn't run to the bathroom.

What has been the hardest part of this journey so far for you? Not being able to get the fills I need. I know I have a lot of habits I need to change for myself, but having restriction really does push my weight loss. It's been proven every time I get a fill; I don't really eat differently, my meal sizes just drop drastically, and snacking disappears when I have restriction.

What is your best NSV to date? This is hard, because since I haven't really lost much weight compared to how much I still have to go, not a whole lot has changed. I guess the best NSV is that I am able to walk 3 miles relatively easily--there aren't too many 400 lb people that can say that (yes, I'm a little under that now, but I could do it still in the 400s).

What is your top non-weight goal for your band? (top NSV maybe?) I have two things that I really want: to be able to wear normal-sized clothing, and to be able to cross my legs like a lady, something I've never been able to do.

What is your goal weight or size? My weight goal is 150 lbs, which depends on how my body looks when I actually get under 200. Since I haven't been a normal weight since I was about 6 years old, I have no idea what kind of body frame I have. I would like to wear a size 10 or 12 at the most.

What band "rule" do you live by (i.e. don't cheat on)? I used to be absolutely strict with the no drinking before, during, and after meals. Only within the last few months has that wavered.

What band "rule" do you not follow as much or aren't so good at? Chewing well and taking small bites, and stopping when satisfied, NOT when burstingly full!

What is your goal "reward"? I would ultimately like plastic surgery since I know I'm going to have lots of loose skin, but more realistically, I'd just like some nice clothing and such. Maybe a two-piece swimsuit!

In the spirit of Thanksgiving being right around the corner (US), what are you most thankful for, post-band? I'm very very thankful for the Nurse Practitioner my doctor hired after my surgery. She's been an absolute Godsend and I couldn't have gotten most of the fills I've had without her, and she's ready to kick my ass when I need it.

Checking In

It's been about two weeks since my last post/weigh-in, and my weight is EXACTLY the same, to the decimal. I have been doing better, but not perfect. I still had McDonald's a few times, but not nearly as much as I was having it before. I still have some cookies and stuff in my desk, but I'm being a little more stingy about it. I haven't gained, at least. I haven't had any soda, though, beyond some Japanese soda we got at the New York Comic Con/Anime Fest this past weekend.

It's actually really hard to admit here how bad I've been doing about all of this. I know when I read other LapBander blogs, I do it for inspiration, to see how well others are doing so that I know I can do it, too. I can only imagine what people who stumble across my blog think of my habits. But, I guess this is more realistic: even with the Band, losing weight is hard. It's hard to break food habits. The Band is NOT the full answer. Sometimes my stomach will hurt from being full or being mildly stuck on something, but I'll keep eating. My head just does NOT want to follow.

Anyway, I'll check back in again soon, hopefully with better news.

Ugh

I was just going to avoid posting for awhile, but I have to hold myself accountable. I finally weighed myself this past Saturday for the first time in about a month and a half. I gained, of course. I knew I couldn't keep eating as crazily as I was and maintain (or lose). I'm back up to 383.4 lbs. In the beginning of August, I was at 371, but I know I had weighed myself sometime after that and was around 374 or 375. It could have been a LOT bigger gain with the way I just went overboard this entire summer, so I'm not TOO heartbroken, but still disappointed.

This may sound weird, but the difference between saying I've lost 61 pounds and losing 70+ pounds is like the biggest gap for me. I don't really know how to explain it, but 60 pounds doesn't seem like that much, but 70-80 pounds seems like a lot. It pains me to say 61 pounds now.

Last time I posted, I promised myself I would stop eating fast food when Fall started. I went to McDonald's on Labor Day, but that was it. That was supposed to be my first day of "Fall". I did very well for 2 weeks, no fast food. Then I went 2 days in a row this past week. I don't even know why, I didn't really want a shake but I got one anyway both days. I gotta get my head in the right place.

So now I really have to get my ass back into gear. I know I need a fill. I can eat so much food right now, it's insane. But on the other hand, there are times when I'll just eat a few bites and my stomach literally hurts, and not like the full-feeling kind of hurt. It worries me that something may be wrong with my band, but it doesn't happen very often so I keep pushing it to the back of my mind.

Even if I -can- eat more food now doesn't mean that I have to fill my stomach! For the longest time I was doing pretty well with not stuffing myself to the gills and I was at least trying to follow the LapBand rules. Now I just don't stop eating until I'm beyond full. One of the things I've always been good at--not drinking with meals and afterwards--I've completely stopped. I don't even know why. I've NEVER had a problem with not drinking except when we went to restaurants, and I'm not sure why I started drinking again with my meals.

Anyway, I really just wanted to 'fess up about my weight gain, but I might as well make use of this blog while I'm here.

My Fall Goals:

1. NO MORE FAST FOOD!
2. Go back to following the LapBand meal-drinking rules.
3. Start forcing myself to eat smaller meals, there is no reason to eat as much as my stomach can, just because I can.
4. Do I want to set a weight goal? I've never been able to meet any weight goals I've ever set for myself. Okay, let's try it anyway. I'd like to lose 25 pounds by Christmas. I think that's a fair goal. It's possible if I just focus on needing to lose weight instead of thinking about how much I want those cookies I have hidden in my closet right now.

I'm going to try to check in at least once every 2 or 3 weeks and make sure I'm still thinking about and working on these goals. I even just took a few minutes to write down these goals and tape them to my monitor, where I will see them everyday. I might even put a big Post-It on my work computer with the drinking and 25 lbs.

Let's try this again!

A Breakthrough?

I do believe I had this mysterious "breakthrough" that everyone has been talking about.

My body has been restless for about a week. I've been dancing around the house, practicing ballet moves that I haven't done since high school, and generally full of energy. Today I decided to woman up and go for a walk, which I haven't done since my 5K back in April. I just started out walking casually and trying to decide how far I actually wanted to walk (if I wanted to do 1 mile or 2), but a little past the 1/4 mile mark, my body was begging me to run. This caught me off guard.

So...wait. My BODY wants to run. Suddenly, it was like something clicked in my head. I've been overweight since I was about 6 years old. However, I was ALWAYS an active child. I ran around the neighborhood, rode my bike or miles around town, I taught myself some gymnastics, I was in Show Choir, and I took dance classes during high school. Yes, I was a 300-pound dancer.

Everything just kind of made sense in that one moment when I realized what my BODY wanted, and not what my head always decided IT wanted. Is it possible that I was made to be an athlete? My body is CRAVING to be active, and there were times when I really thought that once I lost more weight, I'd actually be a runner, but today it just...made sense.

All these years my body has been telling me it wants to do more, but it was my lazy attitude, appetite, and general willingness to give up that held me back. I don't have the willpower to eat right and maintain an exercise routine.

So today, my body wanted to run, and I let it. I ran faster and longer than I ever have before, and I was walking faster between my running intervals. I REALLY wish I would have timed my 2 miles, I'm sure I beat my best time. My lungs weren't too happy about this new revelation, but they'll forgive me in time. I need to learn how to breathe when I run. It's generally not my legs that get tired of running, I just can't breathe well enough to keep going.

Also, my eating has been much much more under control since the last time I posted. No more Subway and Taco Bell, I've been eating Lean Cuisines for lunch and much happier about it. My milkshake obsession has also been calmed, I still have one or two a week but it's better than almost every day like I was! I promised myself that once fall comes, no more. And I'll stick to it.

I'm going to follow this breakthrough and see what comes of it. Maybe if I listen to my BODY more often and stop listening to my head so much, I think I'll be much better off.

Going In Circles

I lost about 30 pounds between December 21 (my last fill) and April. Then...I just kind of stalled again. I've been bouncing around the same few pounds. Right now I'm at 371. I passed my 2 year bandiversary in June, and I still haven't even lost 100 pounds. I can't blame my band. I make poor choices. I constantly eat more than I should, and more than what's comfortable to me. An entire burger from McDonald's will sent me into pain for hours, but yet I'll do it again. I feel like a masochist when it comes to food lately.

Time for full disclosure: I've been drinking vanilla milkshakes like nobody's business the last few weeks. I don't know why, I'm just absolutely addicted to them lately. I've been eating Taco Bell and Subway a few times a week for lunch at work instead of eating the frozen diet entree I bring with me. I've gotten back into the VERY bad habit of getting fast food and hiding the garbage from my husband. Sometimes I'll tell him what I did, but sometimes I won't. I spent most of my life with my mom having to hide everything, and I HATE that I still feel like I have to do it. My husband isn't mad at me when I mess up my diet and eat bad crap, he just wants to help me.

I know I need a fill, but I've been eating SO much food lately that I've probably stretched out my pouch (I almost had to have, I can eat WAY too much right now). I'm pretty sure that if I stopped eating so much, go back to small portions, I would probably be okay with my current fill level. But I just can't seem to get out of this groove.

The only progress that I feel I've made in the last few months is my body has learned a new trick--I'm not entirely sure how to explain it, but for example: I'll have my dinner, all the flavors will eventually be out of my mouth, and then I just feel like I don't want anymore tastes. I don't want to taste food again. It's a good thing, because then I'm not tempted to eat something else or have something my husband offers me. This has especially been happening at night, when I just don't want any flavors or food in my mouth besides just some Crystal Light or something. I repeat, this is a good thing.

I'm just thankful I haven't gained much weight despite all my recent indiscretions. Now I just have to prevent it from creeping up even more.

Crazy Month

The last month since I posted last has been absolutely insane. One week, we participated in the 5K that I already told you about. The very next week on a Thursday night, I ended up in the ER with a gallstone attack. At the time, I didn't know that's what it was, I thought my band had slipped or something. I was in the ER for 12 hours, not fun. They got the pain under control (it was BAD) and ran tests until they figured out that it was my gallbladder. Apparently, gallstones are common in people who have WLS, they tend to happen when people lose weight quickly. Of course there are other ways to get stones, but my doctors are pretty sure this was the case for me. I went home and it still took about 4 days before all the pain and soreness was gone, so by Monday I was okay.

A few days later, on Friday (May 7 for a timeframe), I woke up and felt a little soreness in the middle of my chest and back - the exact place I felt it during the first attack. I had a feeling what was coming, so I told my husband to keep his phone handy. I went to work and the pain increased during the day until I finally called and got an appointment with my band surgeon, who I was told to see for my gallbladder follow-up anyway. I left work at 3 PM, sat crying in pain in my doctor's waiting room for an hour, and after just a few minutes of talking to me, he told me he was admitting me to the hospital and they would take out the gallbladder. By 5 PM was sitting in the admitting waiting room, and I still didn't get any pain meds until 7 PM. I haven't been told all the results of the tests they ran, but from what I put together, the gallstones caused an infection in my gallbladder, which is why the pain came back so soon when I didn't eat anything that could really cause an attack. The ER just treated the symptoms but didn't catch the full cause.

Since my surgeon wasn't on call that weekend, the surgery had to wait until Monday. I sat in the hospital all weekend, mostly by myself since my husband could only come for a few hours Friday and Sunday. The pain was gone/under control by late Friday night, but then I was just uncomfortable from the stupid bed and having to sleep on my back, which causes a lot of pain for me.

They took my gallbladder out Monday afternoon, and originally my doctor said I might even be able to go home later that night, yeah right. I woke up with a drain in my stomach, I never ever want to go through that again. The stitches and incisions and pain were nothing compared to the discomfort that drain caused.

I was finally released Wednesday and stayed home from work Thursday and Friday. It still took a few more days for my digestion tract to settle down, the lingering discomfort to go away, and to just feel good enough to be up and about.

In a nutshell: Those two weeks of my life SUCKED. I also just got promoted at work a few days before I ended up in the hospital. It took weeks to get everything at home caught back up and back on track. It threw everything out of whack.

My weight fluctuated like crazy through all of this since I wasn't eating for a large chunk of those two weeks. The lowest I got down to was 363, and I was so happy about that (-81 pounds). The last time I weighed myself was at my doctor's office for a follow-up two weeks ago, I was 377 on their scale, but I had heavy clothes on, I hadn't went to the bathroom, and I was just unprepared to be weighed, so I don't know how accurate that was. I'm sure I gained weight since then as well, because I started pigging out like crazy, mostly because I was due for my birth control shot as well, which messes up my appetite. I also just went on a soda binge and drank quite a few 2 liters.

I'm going to try to weigh myself properly tomorrow morning, but today I'm already getting back on track with my diet. My snacking and bad habits HAVE to stop before I end up right back where I was before. I'm getting nervous that I might need another fill, because my insurance won't cover it. I might be on my own for awhile.

Run For The Wild 5K - DONE!

Today was the big day - the Run For The Wild 5K run/walk at the Bronx Zoo. I feel bad that I hadn't trained for it the way I wanted, I haven't walked in about two weeks except for last night. I did 1 mile last night - I do 7 30-second running intervals for 2 miles, and that's how many I did for 1 mile. I was very proud of myself. I only did 1 mile because I didn't want to be sore for today.

We got up bright and early today and got there, parked, got our T-shirts, and were ready to go 10 minutes before the casual run/walkers started. The regular runners started at 8:30, we started at 9. I had every intention of doing some jogging intervals, but there were so many people that it just wouldn't have worked, it was too congested for most of the walk. I'm kind of glad I didn't do any running though, the course was much more difficult than my usual flat, straight line. Very twisty-turny, and a few uphill areas. The worst part was a little bit after the 2 mile mark (with 1 mile to go) we had to walk right by the finish area where they were serving breakfast and had music and activities. I was honestly surprised at how many people "cheated" during this - they crossed taped-off areas to shortcut around a loop, etc. The biggest thing was when we went past the finish area, suddenly there was a lot less congestion. I don't want to think about how many people just stopped there and called it a day without finishing the full 3.1 miles. It makes me sad that people would do that at a fund-raising event.

They didn't have a digital clock at the finish line for the walkers, but by my cell phone, I walked further than I usual do, a harder course than I usually do, and I still beat my best 3-mile time! My best time before this was 1 hour 15 mins, when I finally thought to check my phone, it was exactly 10:15 - and this was after a slow start through the starting line with so many people, and we wasted a few minutes at the finish line taking pictures and such before I finally thought to check the time, so I would guess my actual time was at the very latest 1:12, probably a few minutes faster. Either way, still faster.

We stayed and enjoyed the zoo after the walk and probably walked another 1 or 2 miles. We had planned to go see more at the zoo, but our favorite exhibit was closed down due to budget cuts so we were disappointed, and we were getting too tired to keep going, so we went home earlier than expected. I DID get to meet Jeff Corwin though, which makes me very happy, I respect and admire that man so much. He was there for his own book promotion event and not for the run, but it was an awesome coincidence.

70 Pounds!

374 on the scale this morning, 70 pounds gone for good! The Run For the Wild 5K run/walk is in three weeks. Yesterday we went to the Bronx Zoo just for fun, it was a gorgeous 70+ degrees. We got memberships so we can go anytime we have some time off together, which I'm very happy about. Lots of walking. Two of my favorite exhibits were closed yesterday, though (World of Birds and World of Darkness). I felt a little lethargic yesterday, my legs didn't feel like moving, but I never had to stop to rest and I still kept going. I'm a little sick right now, possibly with Mono, but that won't stop me.

Last time I wrote, I did end up walking another 2 miles the next day. I was sore as hell after walking over 5 miles in 3 days, after not walking for months, but I got over it. Even though I was still a little tired from yesterday at the zoo and still feeling under the weather, I did another 2 miles today. The cool thing is that, even though it was probably a bad idea, I did my jogging intervals. I even upped the duration of a few intervals. Usually I do 30 seconds at each 1/4 mile mark. Here's what I did:

1/4 mile - 30 seconds
1/2 mile - 30 seconds
3/4 mile - 45 seconds
1 mile - 30 seconds
1 1/4 mile - 45 seconds
1 1/2 mile - 30 seconds
1 3/4 mile - 60 seconds!

The full minute is a big deal for me, even though I could barely walk after it, I DID IT. Right now I don't know if I'm going to do any running at the 5K, I'm afraid of tiring myself out and I really don't want to be the last person to finish. I only walk about 2.5 miles/hour so I'm hoping families with little kids and strollers will still be behind me.

My full time today from the car to the car (so a little more than 2 miles) was 48 minutes. My average walking time for 2 miles last summer was 51-52 minutes, I couldn't find what my run/walk time was. Ah well. It can only get better.

This week is supposed to be pretty nice weather, except, of course, my birthday on Friday. We're going down to Manhattan for the Museum of Modern Art (Tim Burton has an exhibition right now that I really want to see) and I was hoping to go to the Central Park Zoo for a little bit. Of COURSE it's supposed to rain. Just my luck that it's the ONLY day it's supposed to rain this week.

Keep It Going!

I got my lazy, procrastinating butt into motion last night and went for a walk around our new neighborhood. I walked about 1.25 miles. I was hoping to find a 2 mile route, but I'm horrible at judging distances, so I still need to figure that out. Over 1/4 mile of that was completely uphill, so I'm very happy even with what I did walk.

Today, I went back to my normal walking trail and walked 2 miles. No excuses, just did it. It was absolutely gorgeous, 70 degrees, sunshine, with a breeze that was just bitter enough to keep me cool. All I had before my walk was a little bit of Crystal Light, so I made myself hold off a little longer and weighed myself before having lunch. I lost 4 more pounds this week! I thought I would have gained since I ate like crap a few days, but I'm not complaining.

I'm also proud because on my way home from walking, I stopped at a deli and got myself a turkey, muenster, tomato, and mayo sandwich. I avoided ALL other temptations - my two absolute favorite sodas, loads of sweets, chips, etc...and just got the sandwich. You can tell me mayo isn't great for me either, but still better than what else I would have gotten if I didn't hold myself back. It was like a sub sandwich, and I only ate half of it. Very very happy with myself today.

So now I'm just relaxing for a little bit and watching the cats enjoy the open windows. More walking tomorrow! Monday and Tuesday are supposed to be crappy so I'm going to get moving while I can.

Slowly But Surely

Last time I posted (3 weeks ago), I had lost 8 pounds. The next week, I had gained 3 back because I was eating TONS of cookies and sweets and stuff. I didn't get a chance to weigh myself last week, but this week, I lost 5 pounds again, so a net loss of two more pounds. I'm down to 380 and I've lost 64 pounds total so far. It seems like so much weight but I still can't really tell a difference. I have so much extra skin that in my torso, I'm losing weight especially in the area under my bust, like the area where my natural waist should be. The problem is that as I'm losing weight, the loose fat is sinking down more around my lower stomach so that I look like I'm actually bigger there. I don't like that side effect at ALL. It means that none of my clothes still really fit any differently. Oh well, eventually it will all shrink down as I lose more.

I have started trying to get more involved in my eating problems though. One of the blogs I read, Fatty Fights Back, has been talking about this book called The Rules of "Normal" Eating. Since DH works at a bookstore, I picked it up. I think it's exactly what I need. It's not a diet book, it's all about how "normal" people eat, when they know to stop eating, when they're actually hungry, things like that. You know, the stuff that is COMPLETELY dysfunctional with me. It's actually written for both under-eaters AND over-eaters, so I like that the focus isn't about losing weight, it's about paying attention to what your body really needs.

I'm only in the second chapter of the book, but I've already learned some important distinctions, the biggest so far being FULL vs. SATISFIED. Full means you have had enough food and you no longer feel hungry. Satisfied means that you feel like you've had enough of a certain taste. You can feel any combination of these two. I think MY personal problem, especially with the Lap-Band, is feeling full without feeling satisfied. My stomach doesn't need (nor really can handle) more food, but I really want to eat more of it. This is where I get myself into trouble, because I could be truly full from just a few bites of food sometimes, but I really like the food so I keep eating and pushing food through the band to make more room. I think this might be a sign I might need a fill though, since the food DOES go through the band when more food is pushed in, instead of me just getting sick and PBing.

The only aspect of the book I don't like and don't need is that it also has a very strong angle about emotional eating, since that is what drives a lot of people to overeat. I have thought about this issue long and hard and after several discussions about it, I really am NOT an emotional eater. The only "emotion" I ever eat because of is boredom, and I don't consider that as part of emotional eating. It's okay though, because the rest of this book is so valuable to me that I still feel like it is worth it for me to read.

In other news, the weather is slowly coming out of winter. It's been in the 40s and 50s most of the week (pushing 60 some days!) and Daylight Savings begins tomorrow, which means soon I will be able to go walking again after work. I've been waiting for this for awhile, my body is ready to exercise again! Plus I have the Run for the Wild 5K to get ready for in April :)