Peer Pressure

I got up my courage and stepped on the scale this morning. I FINALLY started losing again for the first time since last May - 5 pounds down to 392! I was starting to get discouraged that my improved (not perfect, but better) eating habits and walking more haven't been making a difference. Seeing the weight go down is the best motivation I can have. I'm also glad that it's starting BEFORE I get a fill, to show myself that I CAN do it if I just put my mind to it.

As for this post's title - Peer Pressure - I went and bought a Wii today. There is a large group of people in the fitbit community who play this walking game called Walk It Out and always talk about how addicting it is, how many steps they rack up on it, etc...I just couldn't help myself. Last year, DH and I were trying to decide between the Wii and the Xbox 360. We got the 360, but since the Wii was even a contender, he agreed that it would be worth it if we got the Wii now as well. I picked up the Walk It Out game, a Jillian Michaels game, and they had the Wii Fit (just the game, not the balance board) for $4. I don't know yet if I can use the Wii Fit game without a board, and I don't WANT a board, but I figure for $4, nothing is really lost if I can't use it without one.

Cheers!

Why Didn't I Do This Earlier?

I FINALLY called my doctor's office today to find out about fills for self-pay. If it's done in the office, it's $150. That's it. 150 measly dollars. If I had gotten up the courage and found this out, oh, last spring, I wouldn't be 30 pounds heavier right now. I feel like an idiot. I was afraid it would be like $500, which I definitely wouldn't be able to shell out on a regular basis.

Bad news though, my nurse practitioner that I love so much has left my doctor's practice. She works at a hospital now, so I can't even follow her to continue seeing her. The good news is that I already got an appointment with my regular doctor next Tuesday, which is amazing - usually I have to schedule 2-3 weeks out with him because he's so busy. The woman told me that he might be able to do the fill right then, or it might have to wait for another appointment since it's been over a year since my last fill. I'm hoping for it next week, but I have a feeling he'll make me see the dietitian first (hurray, another $75 wasted, since she doesn't tell me anything I don't already know). Maybe I can swing him to just do the fill this time and I'll see her for the next one, since I've already waited so long. We'll see.

In other news, my New Year's Resolutions aren't dead, at least. I haven't been perfect, but I've been doing okay. Here are my new rules:
No fast food - Check! I haven't had fast food at all
No soda - Check! This one is actually easy for me if I just stick to it
No snacks - Not so good at home, been good about this at work, except for the following
No sweets - I haven't BOUGHT any sweets, I've been really good when grocery shopping. My problem is at work, my coworker brings in chocolates and cookies all the time. I've been failing this most days if there are sweets available. It's not huge quantities, for example, yesterday was 2 cookies and 2 chocolates, but it's still a failure.

I think my biggest thing to work on right now is at home - I tend to eat big quantities since I don't have restriction, and if I'm home for long periods of time, I tend to eat almost constantly. When I'm at the computer, I feel the need to eat all the time. I need to redirect that. Not sure how, but I have to figure it out.

Great news though is that my Fitbit is helping in ways I was hoping it would. There is also a REALLY great community for Fitbit users on Facebook, and they have been so supportive. Since it logs my steps for the day, I have been setting goals. I also have it set up so that my daily totals post automatically to Facebook, so people can see them and it holds me accountable if I don't reach my goal, because then it's not just me who knows, it's everyone! My goal last week was 5,000 steps a day, and I reached it every day except one (I was 150 steps short; we had a last minute change of plans to have dinner and a movie, which I couldn't get up and move around like I wanted to). This week's goal is 6,000/day, and I hit it both Sunday and yesterday so far. I plan to increase my goal 1,000/day each week until I get to 10,000, which is the recommended number of steps for health.

This is really good because it's encouraging me to move around more than I would normally. Right now I'm working on getting up and walking around in the hallways once an hour at work. At home, I walk in place or pace back and forth to reach my goal for the day. I know I will need to start exercising again to reach the higher goals, and increased movement is gearing me up for it.

So with the Fitbit and a fill in the near future, I think this year will be MUCH better than the last.

Oh, and one more thing: I joined some of my high school friends in a group for the Biggest Loser Pound for Pound Challenge - my goal is to lose 30 pounds by the end of May. It's a lower goal than I would normally set, but I haven't been very good about keeping goals, so I'm trying something new; set a lower goal and hope to ACTUALLY reach it.

Merry Christmas To Me!

My wonderful husband gave me a FitBit for Christmas yesterday. I've wanted one for so long, but I just never got off my duff and ordered the $100 thing. I'm still playing with it to get it to record my sleep correctly and figuring out how to get it to stop thinking I'm walking when I'm driving the car, but this will be a very powerful tool for me.

This sounds really bad, but I'm just giving myself until the end of the year (this week) to eat normally, enjoy Christmas cookies, play with our new KitchenAid ice cream maker attachment, etc. We've ALL heard this before, but come New Year's Day, I am fully dedicating myself back to my body. I don't even need a reason anymore, I JUST HAVE TO DO IT!

That's all there is to it, I don't need another long post about it. In the words of many of my fellow Bandsters, it's time to CUT THE CRAP!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

What?

It would be so easy to just avoid posting here so that nobody but myself would know what happened.

This morning's weight: 393 lbs.

Last time we talked, I was 383. Wasn't I supposed to be LOSING weight?

Here I thought I might have actually lost some, too. I started volunteering at an animal shelter, so I've been exercising (cleaning cat rooms is tough work!). Last week I even cut out the snacks and crap (and relapsed this past weekend through this week).

I really had to think about why I've been gaining again, and I finally nailed the main culprit: SODA. I've been drinking soda again like crazy. I don't drink it at work, but once I'm home, I drink several glasses a night. I know some of my other bad snack habits are also to blame, but I'm thinking soda is the main cause. It's harder for me to consider drinks as serious calories.

This really sucks though, I do NOT want to see 400 on the scale again. I REALLY have to get my act back together. Great timing too, since the holidays are starting up (ugh).

I NEED A FILL! AHHHHHH.

Bandster Quiz

I found this on another Bandster's blog and thought it was something fun:

How long have you been banded? 2 years and 4 months.

What was your highest pre-band weight? / Current weight now? / Total lost to date? Highest: 444 lbs / Current: 383 lbs / Total lost to date: 61 lbs (I've lost 81 but gained 20 back).

What is your best "go-to" food to get in your protein? I prefer chicken when I can get it, but when I'm at work with few choices, I have a few protein shake packets in my desk. They don't keep me full, though, just tide me over until lunch or until I get home for supper.

What is your favorite protein brand/shake? I'm still trying to find a shake I really really like. GNC had a brand called beFulfilled and it was better than most, but they discontinued it. Their Lean Shake line is similar tasting, though, so I'll probably stick to that when I need it. I generally don't like shakes though and would rather get the same calories from food that will fill me up.

What food do you miss the most now being post-band? Soda. I'm still having a hard time staying away from it. I really miss buttered toast in the morning, it hurts my stomach too bad though so I just stay away from it.

What is your favorite "mushy" food? Mashed potatoes.

What was your worst PB experience? Actually, it was this past weekend. I was eating a panini (pressed Italian hot sandwich) at a convention and I got stuck REALLY bad. All of the bathroom lines were absolutely insane, since I had just tried to go a few minutes before eating, so I literally just had to stand there with my husband, hurting really bad, and waiting for it to go down. I was afraid I'd have to throw up in a garbage can in front of huge crowds of people. It eventually went down, but it was an awful feeling that I couldn't run to the bathroom.

What has been the hardest part of this journey so far for you? Not being able to get the fills I need. I know I have a lot of habits I need to change for myself, but having restriction really does push my weight loss. It's been proven every time I get a fill; I don't really eat differently, my meal sizes just drop drastically, and snacking disappears when I have restriction.

What is your best NSV to date? This is hard, because since I haven't really lost much weight compared to how much I still have to go, not a whole lot has changed. I guess the best NSV is that I am able to walk 3 miles relatively easily--there aren't too many 400 lb people that can say that (yes, I'm a little under that now, but I could do it still in the 400s).

What is your top non-weight goal for your band? (top NSV maybe?) I have two things that I really want: to be able to wear normal-sized clothing, and to be able to cross my legs like a lady, something I've never been able to do.

What is your goal weight or size? My weight goal is 150 lbs, which depends on how my body looks when I actually get under 200. Since I haven't been a normal weight since I was about 6 years old, I have no idea what kind of body frame I have. I would like to wear a size 10 or 12 at the most.

What band "rule" do you live by (i.e. don't cheat on)? I used to be absolutely strict with the no drinking before, during, and after meals. Only within the last few months has that wavered.

What band "rule" do you not follow as much or aren't so good at? Chewing well and taking small bites, and stopping when satisfied, NOT when burstingly full!

What is your goal "reward"? I would ultimately like plastic surgery since I know I'm going to have lots of loose skin, but more realistically, I'd just like some nice clothing and such. Maybe a two-piece swimsuit!

In the spirit of Thanksgiving being right around the corner (US), what are you most thankful for, post-band? I'm very very thankful for the Nurse Practitioner my doctor hired after my surgery. She's been an absolute Godsend and I couldn't have gotten most of the fills I've had without her, and she's ready to kick my ass when I need it.

Checking In

It's been about two weeks since my last post/weigh-in, and my weight is EXACTLY the same, to the decimal. I have been doing better, but not perfect. I still had McDonald's a few times, but not nearly as much as I was having it before. I still have some cookies and stuff in my desk, but I'm being a little more stingy about it. I haven't gained, at least. I haven't had any soda, though, beyond some Japanese soda we got at the New York Comic Con/Anime Fest this past weekend.

It's actually really hard to admit here how bad I've been doing about all of this. I know when I read other LapBander blogs, I do it for inspiration, to see how well others are doing so that I know I can do it, too. I can only imagine what people who stumble across my blog think of my habits. But, I guess this is more realistic: even with the Band, losing weight is hard. It's hard to break food habits. The Band is NOT the full answer. Sometimes my stomach will hurt from being full or being mildly stuck on something, but I'll keep eating. My head just does NOT want to follow.

Anyway, I'll check back in again soon, hopefully with better news.

Ugh

I was just going to avoid posting for awhile, but I have to hold myself accountable. I finally weighed myself this past Saturday for the first time in about a month and a half. I gained, of course. I knew I couldn't keep eating as crazily as I was and maintain (or lose). I'm back up to 383.4 lbs. In the beginning of August, I was at 371, but I know I had weighed myself sometime after that and was around 374 or 375. It could have been a LOT bigger gain with the way I just went overboard this entire summer, so I'm not TOO heartbroken, but still disappointed.

This may sound weird, but the difference between saying I've lost 61 pounds and losing 70+ pounds is like the biggest gap for me. I don't really know how to explain it, but 60 pounds doesn't seem like that much, but 70-80 pounds seems like a lot. It pains me to say 61 pounds now.

Last time I posted, I promised myself I would stop eating fast food when Fall started. I went to McDonald's on Labor Day, but that was it. That was supposed to be my first day of "Fall". I did very well for 2 weeks, no fast food. Then I went 2 days in a row this past week. I don't even know why, I didn't really want a shake but I got one anyway both days. I gotta get my head in the right place.

So now I really have to get my ass back into gear. I know I need a fill. I can eat so much food right now, it's insane. But on the other hand, there are times when I'll just eat a few bites and my stomach literally hurts, and not like the full-feeling kind of hurt. It worries me that something may be wrong with my band, but it doesn't happen very often so I keep pushing it to the back of my mind.

Even if I -can- eat more food now doesn't mean that I have to fill my stomach! For the longest time I was doing pretty well with not stuffing myself to the gills and I was at least trying to follow the LapBand rules. Now I just don't stop eating until I'm beyond full. One of the things I've always been good at--not drinking with meals and afterwards--I've completely stopped. I don't even know why. I've NEVER had a problem with not drinking except when we went to restaurants, and I'm not sure why I started drinking again with my meals.

Anyway, I really just wanted to 'fess up about my weight gain, but I might as well make use of this blog while I'm here.

My Fall Goals:

1. NO MORE FAST FOOD!
2. Go back to following the LapBand meal-drinking rules.
3. Start forcing myself to eat smaller meals, there is no reason to eat as much as my stomach can, just because I can.
4. Do I want to set a weight goal? I've never been able to meet any weight goals I've ever set for myself. Okay, let's try it anyway. I'd like to lose 25 pounds by Christmas. I think that's a fair goal. It's possible if I just focus on needing to lose weight instead of thinking about how much I want those cookies I have hidden in my closet right now.

I'm going to try to check in at least once every 2 or 3 weeks and make sure I'm still thinking about and working on these goals. I even just took a few minutes to write down these goals and tape them to my monitor, where I will see them everyday. I might even put a big Post-It on my work computer with the drinking and 25 lbs.

Let's try this again!