Not Very Filling Fill

I got my fill today and my husband was able to come with and got to watch them do it and see the flouro monitor and everything, I think it was very helpful for him to understand what they actually do.

I had 10cc last time, there was only 9 left in when she pulled it all out. So she put me up to 10.5, originally she went up to 11 but thought it was too tight so took a little out. I'm a little nervous because it might not be enough - she said my band was already tight before she started taking out/adding, but today was a strange day. I was off work, so I didn't wake up until after 10 AM and ate breakfast (just some cereal) around 11. My fill was around 1 PM. My concern is that I'm usually a little tight in the morning, but I usually wake up around 7:30-8, eat breakfast at 9, and then get my fill around 1 and I'm usually not tight anymore by 11 or 12. I'm afraid that my morning tightness affected my fill and that I'm really not as tight as she thinks I am. I guess I'll see how it goes, but she won't be very happy if I want another fill, since I'm at 10.5 out of 14 now and there's not much further we can go. She's still pushing me to go see a psychologist and dietitian, I just haven't had the time this week to find either one.

I'm really starting to get frustrated, my goal was to lose 150 lbs this year and I don't think I even lost 10.

Sabotage

–noun

1.	any underhand interference with production, work, etc., in a plant, factory, etc., as by enemy agents during wartime or by employees during a trade dispute.

2.	any undermining of a cause.

Example: Having a productive visit with my bariatric nurse practitioner about recent struggles, then going to McDonald's, getting a chocolate shake, mushroom swiss burger, fries, and cookies. But wait, there's more! Drink half the shake and eat one of the cookies, hunger is gone. Sooo...eat most of the fries. Get stuffed, and actually think you're doing good by leaving some of the fries. Oh look, the burger is still here. Can't let that go waste. Eat the whole thing. Oops, now I don't feel so good. Ah shit, I REALLY don't feel good. PB most of the burger back up.

WTF is wrong with me? Seriously. I didn't get out of my appointment until 3 PM and I hadn't had lunch, so I was starving. I knew I had food at home, so I convinced myself not to stop anywhere most of the way home...until I was about 2 miles from home. Oh right, McD's is having that promotion where you get a free glass when you order a meal. And yeah, I feel like having a shake for the first time in a LONG time.

I honestly don't know why I did it. I don't know why I continued to eat and eat after I wasn't hungry anymore, and much less when I was absolutely full and KNEW I would only hurt myself if I kept going. And the WORST part about all of this was that it was right after I promised myself to get back on the wagon and try harder. I think it was a last meal syndrome of sorts, but it's still just no excuse. Sigh.

Last night was my company's Christmas party and I ate like crazy. No wonder the scale today said 405 - no shock there whatsoever.

I scheduled my next fill for Monday, Dec. 21, which is great because I have the entire week off work so I don't have to worry about taking time off. If my husband has off work I might ask him to come with so he can see what they do.

A few things though: Apparently, they put a new policy in place that you have to see the nutritionist to continue getting fills. Thankfully, my NP said I can find a nutritionist that accepts my insurance, since that is one of the reasons I stopped seeing the one in their practice (among other reasons, she was completely useless). We also talked about me seeing a psychologist, and I agree, because there are some issues that I have to work through with food before I can ever hope to stick to a diet. We'll see how both of those go. I'm also going to try to get back into Walk Away The Pounds.

*taptap* Is this thing on?

I admit, I've been avoiding posting. I thought I had posted again after my fill though, but I know why I didn't.

My last fill was great. For about 3 weeks, I was eating very little, at LEAST half as much as what I usually eat. Maybe 1 cup of food? I was being very careful with my portions and especially my lunches, I only packed what I knew I could safely eat. And I was satisfied! I was doing great. About a week after my fill, I weighed myself. I usually lose anywhere from 5-9 pounds the week after a fill, so I was disappointed that I had only went from 404 to 402. I was so sure that I was finally going to break the 400 mark. But I figured, give it another week and I'm sure the weight loss will be reflected. Nope. Still at 402 the next week. And the next. Three weeks of awesome restriction and absolutely no weight loss. WTF. I knew how much I was eating, and I should have been losing.

It's been almost 6 weeks now and I'm getting really frustrated. My restriction has loosened again and I can eat more. Right now, I can eat like a freaking horse. I'm at the end of my birth control cycle though (3 months - Depo Provera shot) and I noticed that I'm hungry all the time and my eating tends to spin out of control when I get close to needing another shot. I'm getting it today, so hopefully things will pick back up in the next week or two.

I weighed myself this morning, but my scale has been pretty unreliable lately. If I move at all when I'm on the scale, the numbers jump around, and I can't find a perfectly level area of floor in my apartment to weigh myself on, so I have no idea how accurate it is. Anyway, this morning it kept bouncing between like 398 and 402 or so. COME ON. I've been waiting and waiting and waiting just to reach this first goal of getting under 400, and I can't get a concrete number. So I'm still saying I'm at 402, because I don't want to get my hopes up.

I know I haven't been eating the best choices either, and I'm wondering if it's time to suck it up and diet. I'm terrified of dieting because I crash badly when I can't keep up with it anymore. I'm thinking of doing just grilled chicken breasts and veggies for a few weeks and see what happens. I'm really starting to worry though that there is something wrong that's not allowing me to lose weight.

I'm finally in the mood to start walking outside again, but now it's already dark when I get off work. I think I'm going to get another Leslie Sansone Walk Away The Pounds DVD next week when my husband has a nice big discount at work. This is a special DVD that has 5 1-mile walks, intended to do one every day and they focus on different body areas every day. I think I need to put more effort into my weight loss, and if I start making myself get up earlier every morning, work out, then eat better during the day, I have to get a kick start on losing again. I shouldn't be plateaued after only 40 pounds out of 400.

I'll try to post more, and I know I say that every time, but I'm so tired of being a failure and it's hard to admit it. I still haven't even talked to my nurse practitioner yet after my fill because I was hoping for better news to give her. I think I'm going to make an appointment to see her, since I have to see her anyway before I can get another fill.

Fill...and Praying

So I had my fill yesterday. I was expecting my surgeon, but when they finally brought me back to the fluoro room (an hour late), the nurse practitioner was there, which was great because I love her. She talked to me about how things were going, answered all my questions, even went over a still shot of the fluoro screen with me. It's so nice to feel comfortable asking questions, my surgeon has been getting very dismissive lately when I try to talk to him during fill appointments.

Now I'm up to 10cc in my 14cc band and I'm hoping I finally feel some difference, because I don't have much room left to go. I did weigh myself this morning, which I hadn't gotten around to doing since they weighed me at the office a few weeks ago, when it said 411. I think between my heavy clothes, the big meals I had that day, and not having...went to the bathroom that day, it just blew that number up too much. The scale said about 404 this morning, and I really doubt I lost 7 pounds in 3 weeks, considering how I've been eating lately, so it must have been the other things to account for the difference. I REALLY WANT TO LOSE 5 POUNDS!! Come on, just let me get under 400!

Uhm, Hi

Yeah...disappeared again, so you know what that means. I haven't went walking at all since my last post. I really want to get back into it since it's cooled down outside and my lingering sinus infection is mostly gone now, but I just can't get up the motivation. Walking and exercising wasn't helping me lose weight and I have no idea why.

I have to do something about my eating habits. Why am I so unwilling to diet now that I have the LapBand? I hate dieting and I think part of my brain thought I wouldn't have to diet once I had surgery, I would just eat less of everything. So far that hasn't even happened yet. I've gotten pretty loose the last few weeks, I barely get stuck and I'm hungry all the time. I have a fill scheduled for Thurs. Oct 22, which makes it almost 3 months between fills again.

I knew I needed a fill right after my last one, but I just didn't want to have to argue about it. I wasn't feeling famished, I was still getting stuck here and there, so I thought I was okay without it until I knew I could ask for it without opposition. So what happened? Last week I went to pay my bill at the office and just happened to talk to the nurse practitioner and she got me scheduled for a fill. But...they weighed me while I was there. I hadn't touched a scale since my last post. I was wearing a heavy sweater, heavy pants, and ate quite a bit that day, but that doesn't FULLY explain why I was up to 411. Yes, I gained 9 pounds in those two months. I haven't weighed myself since then (naked, empty bladder and stomach) to get an accurate weight, but I think I'm scared to.

The only time I lose weight anymore is during the week after a fill, and I think that's only from the liquid diet. Why do I have the band if all I have to do is go on a liquid diet to lose weight, and that's the only thing that makes me lose weight? It's ridiculous. I haven't heard of anyone having so much trouble getting restriction over a year after their surgery. I'm still worried that maybe my band is just too big for my stomach or placed incorrectly or something and that I will never get proper restriction. The day where I can only eat 1 cup or less of food seems so hilarious to me because I feel like it could never happen. 8ccs in my band, 1 year and 4 months out of surgery, and I can still eat 2+ cups of food.

I have to stop avoiding posting when I'm not doing what I should be, maybe not losing weight is a better reason to post instead of only when the scale is moving or bitching about fills.

Too Hot!

I haven't posted lately, and hopefully you figured it out by now--nothing going on to report. I HAVE been trying to watch what I eat, but I haven't went walking at all since last Sunday. I would like to have some great reason why not, but during the week I just didn't feel like it, or it was just too damn hot. Even I can admit though that the heat has just been my excuse, if I just took some nice cold water with me, I would have been fine. Hot = 90-95 degrees, and humid. Today it's also supposed to get up to 93 or so, so I just didn't even bring my gym bag. Tomorrow I'm going to try to make it to my support groups, so no walking then either (of course, that entirely depends on if DH and his friend need a ride to their drama rehearsal thing, in which case, my plans don't matter).

I lost the couple pounds I had gained back, but I'm still stuck at 402. Those 3 pounds that would make me very very happy just don't want to come off! Even though when I go walking/running, I bust my ass and sweat like crazy, I honestly have never seen the scale move because of it, even if I went 4 times in a week. When I was actually going to the gym 4-5 days a week, I STILL didn't see any difference on the scale. I think that's why I have no motivation to keep working out. If I saw results, I would be more willing to continue.

I REALLY Want...

...a cookie. Horrible, overwhelming, must-have craving. I've gotten into a bad habit with eating something sweet after lunch and now it's really hard to ignore it. The only thing stopping me from getting one of the delicious, chewy, mouth-watering...ahem. The only thing stopping me from getting a cookie from the cafeteria is that I don't have any cash on me, and I would feel too weird paying with nickels and dimes (thank god they don't accept debit/credit cards).

The scale said I actually gained 2 pounds since I weighed myself the other day, which I don't understand how when I've been busting my booty on my run/walks. I hate hate hate that I lose nice amounts of weight right after a fill, then gain it back soon after. I'm tired of this cycle but I don't know how to break it. I'm eating less food than ever and I'm still not losing the weight like I should be. I'm determined to get under 400. Thus, no cookie.

Sigh.