Exhausted...

I decided to add just a bit more running to my usual routine. Once I do my full 30 seconds, I keep going until I get to the next landmark--usually trees that stand out, etc.--that I picked out yesterday. This adds anywhere from 5-15 seconds on my intervals. It doesn't seem like much, but I can feel the difference. I think it also breaks my body's awareness of the 30 seconds so it has to work just a bit harder to keep going. I was getting hungry during my walk yesterday, since I hadn't eaten anything since I woke up, so today I tried eating a few turkey sausages about half an hour beforehand. That didn't go over so well. I read somewhere that you shouldn't eat protein before exercising because it takes more energy to digest, which leaves less for your body to use for exercise. I'm not sure if that's the case or having anything in my stomach just didn't feel right. I also got tired much faster today, even though I drank the same amount of water, and I don't know if that was because of my exercise yesterday or because I ate those sausages.

I also have a weird little pain behind my right knee today, I have never felt that before, so I'm a little nervous about that.

I love...running?

I often get the feeling that once my body can handle it, I'm going to love running. I did my two mile walk today and I ran more than I ever have so far. I did my usual 1/4 mile intervals, but the last one, I just kept running for as long as I could until my body just had to stop. I didn't count it, but it was well over a minute. I also did an extra run at the very end, and this was longer than 30 seconds as well, I made myself keep going until I got to the gate by the parking lot. That was probably a minute or more as well. I was panting and the world was rocking a little bit, but I did it and felt good. I wasn't even feeling any exhaustion during my walk/run until I already did 1.5 miles. Sometimes though I want to run before I even get to my next marker, I think my body is itching to be more active. It's a good feeling :)

It's strange for me to read about people who are 300-400+ pounds that can't even walk around their house without getting tired. I don't know if it's because I'm young or if I was just always more active than most obese people (I was even in dance classes at 300 pounds and I was pretty good!), but sometimes I think about how much I can do with my body and it's crazy. I don't know any other 400-pound people that can walk 2 miles, much less two miles without resting, and even less people who can do any sort of jogging at all. Sometimes I also think it is a bad thing though, because that means my body is used to being somewhat active, and it takes much more exercise to make a difference.

I wish I had someone to talk science with, because I have a feeling that my base metabolism--how many calories I burn from doing daily activities--is much lower than most people my weight. Most websites say that my body, by weight, burns anywhere from 3200-4000 calories in a day without any activity at all, just performing basic body functions. This also means that if I eat less than that, I should lose weight. I can tell you right now that I haven't eaten that many calories probably since I got my band, and the weight isn't coming off. I think my body uses less calories to do these basic things, so that I have to eat even less to be able to lose any weight. As I said though, I wish I had someone who really understood this subject to talk to about it.

I am going to try to get another walk in tomorrow though!

No More Bread? :(

I find myself double-posting between here and LBT or here and Facebook, but I like having this record for myself and hopefully I have more readers than my 1 faithful commenter :) that don't see the other posts.

This restriction thing is killing me. I'm in a bit of denial that I just can't eat certain foods anymore--just a few minutes ago, actually, I discovered that bread seems to be the common denominator. I ate half of a panini last night and sat there for about 10 minutes to keep from it coming right back up (I was in Barnes & Noble and didn't want to cough it up in a public bathroom). I even told DH last night that I didn't think I could get that specific sandwich again because of the bread. So what did I do today? I nuked it and thought that the bread being softer would make it better. Nope--two or three bites in and I was in the bathroom. DH woke up from hearing me and took the rest of the sandwich away, since he knew I would have tried again.

Some possible good news is that I might have found a snack food that fills me up (my biggest conundrum for the past few months). I'm not 100% sure yet, but preliminary tests indicate that pretzels may just do the trick. They never filled me up before, but since my last fill, they really top me off. We'll see though!

Almost There...

Just 3 more pounds and I'll be under 400...I weighed in last night at 402. I was going to weigh myself this morning again (usually weigh less in the morning) and I slept in too late and ran out of time. Maybe tomorrow morning. Anyways, as of right now I've lost 6 pounds in the week since my fill, which is great, considering my recent obsession with cookies.

I didn't get to go for my walk last night due to having to stay late at work, and I didn't get to tonight because I didn't get a chance to shave my legs this morning...and all I had packed in my bag were shorts. This wouldn't have bothered me if I was going straight home after walking, but I had to go to Barnes and Noble to wait for DH to get off work, and I felt too embarrassed to go in there with my legs so unladylike.

Now that my cookies are gone, hopefully I'll drop a few more pounds before my post-fill weight loss slows down again...

Nope, Doesn't Fix The Head

The slogan in my bariatric office is something like "We can fix your body, but we can't fix your head." So very true.

Whether this is my usual post-fill restriction or if I'm finally on my way to STAYING restricted, I don't know yet, but the fact is that it's there right now. And it's hard for me to deal with mentally. I love food, it's that simple. There is very little psychological background to my obesity, just the fact that I love love love food. I could spend my entire day thinking about food and planning what I want for meals or what I would order if we went to this restaurant or that, etc. Somedays I actually regret the lapband and hate restriction because it means I can't eat all that I want to. I know I need to refocus my brain to stop thinking about food all the time and find healthier things to preoccupy me. I recently started a new hobby and that's been helping, but right now my battle with restriction is still in the forefront of my mind.

I posted this on LBT this morning in my "surgery month" forum where we just talk about day-to-day things with our bands and new lives, and it seemed appropriate for my blog as well:

I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow morning for the first time after my fill last week. I'm hoping I can finally break the 400 pound barrier! I'm still struggling a little bit with learning the difference between feeling full or if something just isn't going down smoothly. I'm afraid I'm mistaking the feelings for the latter and then just forcing food down my band or stretching my pouch.

Why am I so afraid of being hungry? I seem to eat more than I have to because I'm afraid of getting hungry too soon later on. It's the same reason I still over-order at restaurants and such, I'm always afraid it won't be enough, because that's how it's felt my entire life.

I am slowly learning though. This morning I ordered a breakfast sandwich from the cafeteria in my building and I kept staring at the "home fries" in the warmer. It's so hard to convince myself that I don't need more than the sandwich--in fact, I ate half of the sandwich and put the rest in the fridge (even though I wanted to finish it), and now I have breakfast for tomorrow. I think I could have actually stopped after a few bites, but it's the same thing as what I just said; I don't know if it was because a bite didn't go down well, or because I'm full enough. So frustrating.

I'm also going to try to make it out for a walk after work, but it's supposed to storm. The forecast for pretty much the next week is rain, and I'm tired of it! We've had more rainy days this summer than sunny ones, which is unusual for this area.

Also, last night, I had some leftover pasta and usually I can eat the whole tupperware container, which I believe is 2 cups? After maybe 1/2 of a cup, I felt like I was full. But, stupid me, I didn't think that was enough food, so I kept going. I still stopped and had some left in the container once I felt absolutely and truly full, but I think it was way beyond full at that point.

My goal is that someday I really will believe the saying "Eat to live, don't live to eat."

Feels Good To Get Back Into It

Last night I did get out for my walk. At first I was only going to walk 1 mile so that I didn't overdo it (unsure of how out of shape I would have been after 3 or 4 weeks of not walking). Then I thought maybe 1.5 miles...but by the time I passed the 1/2 mile mark, I just kept going. I walked 2 miles the very first day I decided to start walking, so why shouldn't I be able to do it again, no matter how long of a break I had? After I turned around at the 1 mile mark, I jogged for 30 seconds 5 times, so I got in 5 out of my regular 7 intervals. Definitely not bad for such a long time since I was walking/jogging regularly. I think I can probably start my regular routine again Wednesday. My right upper thigh/hip area is a little sore today, but hopefully I'll be good enough to go back out tomorrow.

It was humid, hot, and I was getting steadily grosser with sweat and the bugs are out in full this time of year, but I felt so good getting out and doing it.

Post #100

Apparently this is post #100 in my blog. I just happened to see "99 posts" when I was going to add a new entry. So happy 100, I guess!

So far so good with my fill, it was hard to say much about it on liquids and mushies, since those phases aren't a good indication of how my fill level is actually working, unless I can't get liquids down (which I haven't had a problem with yet, ever).

I did liquids Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, then mushies on Saturday and part of yesterday. I had a Lean Pocket last night, and I just took my time, chewed well, and had no problems. I only had one (usually eat two), and I didn't feel completely satisfied, which makes me start to worry already, but I'm hoping it's just because I didn't eat much yesterday and was hungrier than I thought by the time I ate it. I don't know. A few cheese/pretzel sandwich thingies later and I was full.

I'm started to get really frustrated. It's been over a year now and I still don't have the kind of restriction I really need to lose weight. I'm starting to wonder if having the 14cc band is going to be a problem--I need to do some research on this, but what if the bigger band is just too big and I can never get good restriction because of it? What would have happened if I had a 10cc? What if, as I actually lose a lot of weight, my band can't be tightened anymore and is forever too big? Would I have to have revision surgery for a smaller band? I guess now that it's pretty sure that I have the 14cc band, I'm really doubting the wisdom of my surgeon and hoping it's not going to be a problem in the future. Like I said though, I need to do some research on LBT and see if my concerns are legitimate or if they're completely unfounded.

I went back to buying the frozen diet entrees (Smart Ones this week). Yes, they have about 500-600 mg of sodium, but there are MUCH MUCH worse things I could be eating, and I have a feeling most of the things I could cook myself (without going out of my way with grocery shopping and research) would have more sodium than that. I can't beat them for less than 400 calories, about $2-2.50 a piece, pre-portioned, and no prep time.

I plan to go walking tonight after work, after a few weeks' hiatus. It's supposed to be nice weather all this week except Wednesday, and DH works until 8 or 9 PM most nights this week, so I really have no excuse. I won't be able to go tomorrow because of support group, but if I go at least 3 times between today and Sunday, I'll be happy. Just gotta get back into it.