Liquid Diet...Day 4

I promised both myself and my fiance that I would not lie while going through this process. I spent most of my life lying to my mother about what I have eaten and constantly hiding and sneaking food. I started my liquid diet on Thursday, and now I understand "head hunger" better than ever. Originally, I was going to do 2 protein shakes and a small meal each day. Then I decided to do the all liquid diet (allowing myself one light yogurt per day with it) because most people have to do it anyway and I really want to drop some weight before the surgery.

So...did I keep with it? I'm on Day 4, and I failed 4 days. Not horribly, mind you (well maybe Friday). This is what I ate OUTSIDE of the protein shakes and my 1 yogurt:

Thursday: super hungry, decided with fiance that I wanted to go back to 2 shakes, 1 meal. Had my one meal of a Homestyle Bakes Chicken Fried Rice, which wasn't fried at all, so it wasn't too bad, and 1 sugar-free Klondike ice cream sandwich.

Friday: I decided I wanted to go back to just shakes because I was afraid of not losing weight with the meals. What did I do after work? I stopped at Wendy's on the way home, a chicken club sandwich and a Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger. I wasn't even that hungry all day, it was ALL head hunger. I just wanted to eat. Later that night, I ate a small frozen pizza (thin crust) and half of a ham and ricotta calzone. Now I don't feel so bad though, I just looked up the nutritional info and I still only ate about 1600 or 1700 calories, so I guess it's not a complete sabotage. I felt so guilty though that I swore I would keep with the diet.

Saturday: I didn't do too bad! I wasn't very hungry, but I did give in to head hunger and had a sugar-free Klondike Crunch ice cream bar, and I did that instead of eating something much worse for me. Still not as good as I wanted though.

Sunday: Since I did so well yesterday, I thought I would do perfectly today. I had Chinese in my mind all morning though. Thankfully, after dropping Matt off at work, the Chinese place was still closed, so I went straight home. But then, I had 4 boneless buffalo wings and some leftover chicken and rice--and I couldn't finish it all, so that's a plus. But, I also had a few Pocky sticks, which are basically these really thin buscuit sticks dipped in chocolate. I did stop myself though, I could have eaten a whole box of them but I only ate 2 out of the 7 little packs in the box. I think it's harder for me to focus when Matt isn't home because it's easier to cheat, which was Friday night, yesterday, and today. This week he will be home every night, and I can't cheat at all at work because my coworkers all know I'm on the diet. I hate making promises now because I keep breaking them, but this week I am going to try try try to stick with it.

Besides the diet, I spoke with my pulminologist about the sleep study. He said even if I would require a CPAP, I wouldn't need to get one for the surgery itself because they have all the equipment at the hospital. And I wouldn't buy one AFTER the surgery, so I'm all good. If I have to live with it for one night after my surgery, I don't mind.

Pray for me!

Well, That Sucked

I had my sleep study Thursday night. Now, this whole time before it I wasn't worried, because I know that I don't have breathing problems when I sleep on my stomach and side like I normally do. Hell, I was even excited when the technician told me that they just got new Temperpedic beds that day, and I have been dying to try one. Then he dashed all my hopes and dreams: he told me I had to sleep on my back the entire night. I can't sleep on my back, it's mostly a comfort thing. On a normal mattress, my butt is so big that it props up my hips and lower body and it's just not comfortable. Well, that wasn't an issue with the Temperpedic at least--my butt sank into the foam and my back was straight. Well, almost--a few hours into the study, after not being really tired enough to fall asleep anyway, the center of my back right under my lungs starting hurting like a mofo. After that, I kept waking up, then my arms started hurting because they weren't in comfortable positions either. At this point I noticed that I was breathing shallower than normal, but attributed it to discomfort and bad sleep.

So halfway through the study, he came in to put the CPAP mask on me. By now my back was hurting so bad that I couldn't go back to sleep. When he was putting the mask on, he told me that I didn't stop breathing at all, but that I was breathing very shallowly, which is still a form of sleep apnea and that the mask should help. I asked him if it could be due to the pain I was experiencing, and he just kept saying how the mask would help. I sat up for a few minutes to relieve my back, then it still took me awhile to go back to sleep. I finally got about 2 hours of unbroken sleep after that, though, but my back wasn't hurting as bad, either.

If someone is in pain and it happens to be under their ribcage, people usually don't breathe as deeply when they're in pain. I'm still convinced that my shallow breathing was because of my back pain and not because I have sleep apnea. So now I'm going to call my doctor on Tuesday and ask if this means I'll have to get a CPAP machine for the surgery. On the questionnaire I had to fill out in the morning after the study, they asked if I would use the machine at home if I had one, and I honestly said no. I don't sleep on my back, the mask is uncomfortable and I don't feel like I breathe as good with it on as I normally do. I don't have any breathing problems when I normally sleep, so why would I go out of my way to sleep uncomfortably on my back with a stupid machine on? Pffft. If I have to use the machine for surgery, fine, I understand, but my insurance better cover this thing 100% or it's a complete waste of my money for something I'll never use again.

Getting Ready For Surgery And Accepting Things

I get my Lap-Band exactly one month from tomorrow. Now that I finally have a date, I'm actually getting nervous. I'm not afraid of the surgery itself or recovery or anything; what I am afraid of is What if it doesn't work? What if I go through all of this, spend about $1000 in this process, and it just doesn't work? Yes, yes, I know the Lap-Band is a tool, not a miracle, and you have to work with it, but I've never been able to maintain weight loss, much less ever get to a normal weight. I know I have some unrealistic expectation, or really, I don't realize just how much I have to lose. I have to lose almost 300 pounds to get to a "normal" BMI. 300 pounds. I want to be able to at least wear a size 24 again, so I can actually buy non-stretchy clothes in a store, but I know that the last time I could comfortably wear, say, a size 24 pair of jeans, I weighed about 290. So I have to lose 150 pounds before I can even wear normal PLUS SIZE clothing! How on earth did I let my weight get so out of control? I've never had this self-hatred of my body like a lot of overweight people do, I've always been pretty comfortable with myself. I guess it takes the possibility of actually losing weight to realize just how much I have to lose. My grandfather used to weigh about 350 years ago (before getting put in a nursing home) and everyone in my family thought he was huge. My mother has no idea how much I weigh, and I think she'd literally have a panic attack if she knew. Granted, I think I carry my weight well. I have no concept of how big I look, but I imagine that just because of my distribution, I probably don't like too much over 300-350. But again, that's me, and that also hearkens back to the post I made about thinking I look smaller than I do in pictures.

So one of the things I really wanted to post about here is that I found a workout that I can do without too much exhaustion, no back pain, and fairly enjoyable: someone on LapBandTalk recommended Leslie Sansone's "Walk Away The Pounds" video series as exercise for very overweight bandsters. I downloaded a few programs and WOW, it's awesome! It's basically walking in place and adding side-steps, knee lifts, and small kicks in with it. It's simple movements, I can keep up, it doesn't wear me out too much, but I still feel like I got a good workout afterwards. When I pushed myself to step out further, use my arms more, etc. last night, I was sweating, panting, and truly felt that good workout exhaustion afterwards. It's split up into "miles" - how many steps and such it would take to walk a mile and she tells you when you've hit the mile markers. So far, I've been able to do a mile and a little more. I like that I have more that I can work up to (one of the programs goes to 4 miles) and it will help me get past the "too big to workout" hump once I start losing weight and then I can actually use the gym at my job.

As I'm mentally preparing myself for surgery, I've finally accepted something that I've been achingly holding out on regarding the Lap-Band. In the back of my head, I knew this was going to happen, but it finally hit me. On LapBandTalk, another of my fellow bigger-than-average bandsters said the following: The one thing I will say is don't go in to it thinking you can eat anything you want - just less of it. I heard that a lot starting out and it does work to a point. BUT if you continue to eat high calorie foods, you can't continue to lose weight it is simple science. As much as I didn't want this to be a diet it is or at least it is for me. When my dietician told me that my program does not allow rice, potatoes, pasta, and sugar, I KNEW I wasn't going to follow that. I can't, it's impossible. Besides, rice and potatoes, prepared correctly, are supposed to be healthy foods. I'm not a carb addict like they actually say that obese people are, but if I deny myself something for too long rather than just eat it in moderation, I'll binge horribly. Now, the last few months I kept telling Matt that I would still eat what I want, and yes, just less of it. But...I have 300 pounds to lose. I'm not going to lose it by eating bad foods. I DO NOT want to be on a diet for the next few years, and I refuse to. Diets don't work for me. If diets did work, I wouldn't be here. So here is what I've accepted of myself, and I think it's a fair compromise: I will eat what I want, just less of it, BUT I will also make healthier choices when I can. Like switching ground turkey for ground beef, using low sodium cream soups in my casseroles, finding seasonings with less sodium (if I keep using Adobo, I will stay a blimp, the amount of sodium in it is HUGE--by the way, anyone know of a Low Sodium Adobo or where I can get it?) If I insist on sweets, I found these Weight Watchers desserts. I can eat what I like and still lose weight if I'm just making an effort to eat healthier. I know Matt won't mind if I make little adjustments to my recipes. I can still bake for him when I want to, I know I can control myself and not eat 5 or 6 cookies (like I did today after baking sour cream cookies). I KNOW when I'm about to eat something I shouldn't and I make the conscious choice to eat it anyway.

Okay, amendment #1: Last Supper Syndrome ends TODAY. I've been purposely eating things I shouldn't be just because I still can. No more.

Amendment #2: I need to work out more often than just when Matt isn't home. I know he won't make fun of me, so what am I afraid of?

Sorry for the rant, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and needed to get it out! My darling furbaby Dusty just jumped up on me so I need to go attend to his every whim and then I'm going to work out again!

Grr...Sleep Study

Sorry this is a little late, but my internet at work has been officially cut off. I saw my pulminologist Monday and he seems like a really nice guy, I had a chest x-ray done and a breathing test, he said my lungs are great and all and he doesn't think I have sleep apnea, but since my BMI is so high, the anesthesiologist requires a sleep study before surgery. Blah. But apparently my insurance will cover everything, no copay or anything, which makes me feel a little better. I was supposed to wait for the sleep lab to call me to schedule it, but after a few days, my surgery coordinator told me not to wait any longer and just call them, since they've been so booked lately she wanted to make sure I got it done in time and got the results before surgery. At first, they couldn't schedule me until June 9th...which is only 3 days before my surgery. Even with a rush on the results, they couldn't guarantee that they'd have it before my surgery. Since I didn't have much choice, I agreed to it. Good news though, yesterday they called me and they had a cancellation, so now it's on May 22nd, which gives plenty of time to get the results (it takes about 2 weeks usually, I have no idea why that long). It should go fine though, neither myself nor the pulminologist think I have sleep apnea, so big deal. Worst comes to worst, I'll just have to have a CPAP during the surgery. Whoopdeedoo. Not like I'd use it at home anyway, and my insurance should cover it.

Counting down the weeks!

June 12 Is The Big Day!

Friday I had my dietician and psych appointments. Both went very smooth since I already knew 90% of what they were telling me--except for the fact that my program does not allow fills until THREE MONTHS post-op! What the hell? I have never heard of anyone having to wait that long for a fill unless they didn't need one. I complained heftily to the Program Coordinator (who also did the psych appointment) and she said that as long as I follow their meal plan and make a true effort to change my eating habits and I'm STILL hungry after 4-6 weeks, they'll consider giving me a fill earlier if I need one. The dietician said that given my "size," they'll probably need to add more planned snacks into my diet so I won't be hungry. Well if you want to shove more food down my throat to keep me full, why not just GIVE ME A FILL? It's not rocket science! The point of the band is to reduce what you eat, what the hell is the point if they want to just make you eat more rather than give you a fill, which is the whole purpose of an adjustable band. Oh well. If I have problems getting a fill during Bandster Hell and they refuse to cooperate, I'll take my fill business elsewhere. After my surgery, I won't put up with BS from that office anymore.

Anyways, on with the good news: I got my surgery date, June 12th! And it's at 7:30 AM so I won't have to wait around all day. Matt already took off the 12th and 13th so he can be with me. Also, I just scheduled it Friday and the surgery coordinator called me at 10:30 this morning to tell me my insurance already approved it! I haven't heard of anyone getting approved THAT fast, she just called the insurance this morning so it must have been basically instantanious. Awesome, though! All I have to pay is $250 for the surgery and one night in the hospital.

I have my pulminologist appointment today and I'm pray pray praying he doesn't make me do a sleep study, I've had one done years ago and I hate it, plus I don't know exactly what my insurance would cover for it.

After today, assuming I don't need a sleep study, all I have to do is see my PCP to verify that I'm cleared to have surgery, and that's it! I had a lot of hurdles so far, but now it seems the road is smoothing out.

Now We're Getting Somewhere.

So in the next week I'll have 3 of my appointments knocked out of the way. Friday I see my nutritionist and psychologist and I'll get to schedule my surgery date! Next Monday I will see my pulminologist and pray that I don't have to go through a sleep study (I really want to spend as little money as possible for everything). I had to keep food journals for the past week for my upcoming appointments, and it was soooo tempting to cheat and not write down everything or say I ate something healthier. But I have to admit, it was helpful in a few ways. I realized that the days that I'm hungry all the freaking time are the days I only had oatmeal for breakfast. If I had a bigger breakfast, I wasn't as hungry for the entire day. Now the problem I found with this is that I started eating not-so-great food for breakfast that was fast and filling (hot dogs, lately..) because I don't know what I can make fast and have it fill me up that's better for me. This is something I plan to ask my nutritionist just to get me through until my surgery. The other thing I realized is that at first I was using fitday.com for my journals but it got to be too time-consuming to enter in all the nutritional info for foods they didn't have in their database. Buuut, in the few days I did record things on there, I found out that my favorite breakfast from Burger King has almost 2,000 calories so I stopped going, cold turkey. It's hard though, it was really probably my favorite meal from fast food places any time of the day.

Hopefully I'll have more to report after my round of appointments, I'm sorry it's been slow-going, but I'll have more to post about soon!

The Ball Is Rolling...

Yesterday I finally had my first meeting with my surgeon. My appointment was scheduled for 3:15 PM, they called me around 2 to tell me he was running about 30 minutes late, so I got there around 3:30, expecting to still have my appointment at 3:45. Around 5:30, I finally get in to see him, and that's only after they moved me ahead of someone else who was waiting longer than I was! I felt bad, but I was the only one who still had to go back to work that time of the day (I work until 7 PM right now). The surgeon, Dr. Weber, apologized profusely about the wait and I kept saying it was okay, but he insisted it wasn't and he was sincerely sorry for it. That made me feel better already. Then I explained to him the difficulty I had getting in to see him. When I told him that it took 3 weeks to get the first appointment, he looked furious and started writing this all down. He told me new patients are supposed to get in within 1 week, 2 at the very latest. Then I told him that they called me the day of my first appointment to reschedule because he went home early. He dropped his pen and told me that he never leaves early, he always stays until everyone has been seen. Then I told him that it took me another 2 weeks of waiting for the rescheduled appt. and he told me that he was incredibly pissed and was so sorry that I had to go through this. He wrote it all down and asked if he could use my name when he went to bitch at the Office Manager. Hell yes, I said. Especially knowing now that his staff lied to me when they said he went home early.

So all in all, he's a very nice guy. I was surprised, though. They weighed me (the first time in 1.5 years on a scale, last time was 407, and I was pleasantly surprised to find out I was only 444, I could have sworn that I gained more than that since I moved to NY, but I also know I must have lost weight lately too). I know I had to fill out a survey and give them my medical records, but there was no discussion of whether or not I should have the surgery or if I was a candidate. He just told me what they do during the surgery and what I have to do from here to get everything done. That was it. Even though he still had 3 or 4 people waiting, he never rushed and took time to explain all my questions. I could have scheduled my surgery right there, but I have to wait and see how money pans out until my fiance gets a new job. He said it's usually a 6-week wait between scheduling and the actual surgery. I still have to see a nutritionist, psychologist, pulminologist, and my PCP before the surgery, but it's doable.

I think I'm going to stay with this guy just because he was so nice, and I think if I tell him I have any further scheduling problems, he'll make my appointments for me :P

So here we go...I'm going to try to get my appointments done in the next month, hopefully I can have the surgery in May yet.