Bandiversary!

Today is my one-year Bandiversary. I also weighed myself this morning. I'm down to 406, which means a lot of things:

- I lost 9 pounds since my fill last Wednesday!
- My Bandiversary weight loss is 38 pounds--pretty disappointing, but I can't complain, considering all of the trouble I went through with fills. Hopefully I'm on the right track with my fills now.
- I'm at my lowest weight since August 2006, at which point I weighed 407. I've been upset lately that I got down to 408 at one point, but I could never seem to break that number. I'm going to try my hardest not to bounce back up!

It was storming this morning when I left for work, but it was really nice and pretty hot when I got out. I should have went for a walk, but I got out of work a little late and then I just didn't feel like it. It's supposed to rain this weekend, but the Weather Channel hasn't been the most reliable lately, so I'm going to try to get a walk in both days, and hopefully stick with it through the week.

Tuesday is a potluck at my support group, but unless I make something cold that I can keep in the fridge at work, I won't have time to make anything to take. If I can't take anything, I won't go, because that's always seem free-loady to me. I'm going to hunt around LBT later and see what I can come up with for cold foods.

First Food I Have To Give Up

It's official. I had to say goodbye to my favorite breakfast food from the cafeteria next to my office. For no other reason than "I wanted it," I got my usual ham, egg, and cheese wrap from the cafeteria yesterday morning. I got slightly stuck a few times, but nothing that didn't go down after a few seconds. Today, however, was the last time I'll be able to eat that food again, at least for a very long time.

About 1/4 of the way through it, I got stuck. Badly. It actually hurt--usually being "stuck" doesn't really hurt, just really uncomfortable. I started sliming really bad, and felt it coming back up. At that exact moment, my boss's boss sent me an instant message, and it was important work info, so I couldn't leave the computer. For about 10 minutes, I fought the stuff coming up my throat, swallowing it back down, and at one point, spitting a mouthful into some tissues and throwing it into the garbage. Finally, it settled back down. I went into a meeting then and came back to my wrap about 20 minutes later. So what did I do? I kept eating it. I have no idea why. At that point, I KNEW that I had to give it up, that it just doesn't work with my band, but I kept going anyway, because I wanted it. Made it through until about 1/4 was left, then had another massive stuck episode, just the same as the first one. I figured I could wait this one out too, since I made it through the first one without having to completely PB. It only took about 5 minutes to pass this time, but it was bad enough. So...I finished my wrap. It took me over 2 hours to finish the freaking thing, when I should have thrown it out after the first time getting stuck. It's like my brain just shut off for awhile.

I'll either have to stick to my oatmeal (which I should anyway; I just get bored with it sometimes and need real food), or figure out something else to get in the cafeteria that won't kill my pouch. The good thing (at least I have to think of it as a good thing) is that I wasn't hungry for the rest of the day until after work, so I didn't eat lunch.

Last night broke my no-fast-food streak. It wasn't a moment of weakness, it was a planned decision. I had been thinking about it a lot, and there is no way I'd be able to give up fast food forever; with how busy we get sometimes and some of the trips we take, fast food is inevitable. The key is ordering smarter and not going very often. I got out of work late last night and had to run an errand, then had to pick up DH and go see a movie with him. There was no time to stop home for dinner and I didn't want to spend an arm and a leg on movie theater crap, so we went to Taco Bell. I had a chicken burrito and a hard shell taco, so that wasn't TOO bad, but I should have ordered off their new Fresco menu (lower calorie choices).

I didn't get a chance to go walking yesterday or today, but hopefully I can tomorrow if it doesn't storm after work.

What a workout!

I was sweating more than I ever have while walking today. It wasn't too hot, but I was pushing it. I tried my new plan of running 30 seconds at every 1/4 mile mark, and I hit it every time. I felt like I was walking slower because of it, but it might have just been the shock to my body that made it feel slower. My overall time was faster, but I don't know exactly how much since I didn't check the time exactly when I left the car (bad habit). Plus, between every run, I did reps with the hand weights and my arms were killing me by the time I was done.

At least I burned off the 3 chewy Chips Ahoy I ate at work today for absolutely no reason...I guess I should be thankful that I didn't eat them because I was hungry. I was only hungry for maybe an hour before lunch and I was fine the rest of the day. I wasn't even that hungry when I got home after my walk. I'm on good terms with my band right now.

Recommitting

I've really discovered a lot about myself in the last few months. While watching "The Biggest Loser," I realized one of my biggest hurdles to losing weight with the band: I just don't have a clear goal. When the contestants have their "goal shirts" with phrases of their goals on it, I kept thinking about what I would put on mine, and I couldn't think of anything. All of a sudden, it's a bad thing that I don't -hate- myself. Sure, I'm not happy being overweight, but I'm pretty comfortable with myself as a person, and I only feel bad about my weight when it's inconvenient--sitting in chairs with arms, clothes not fitting, stuff like that. I don't have any health problems. I don't feel like my life is threatened by my weight right now. But I think that in itself should be my focus; I need to lose the weight before it BECOMES a problem. I'm not as physically limited by my weight as other people my size.

Another thing I not really realized but admitted to is that I'm greedy with food. I'm not sure where this came from, but I have theories. One theory is that when I was growing up, my mom didn't have a lot of money since she was disabled and was living off disability and child support. Because of this, my mom would get really mad at me for eating anything than one serving at dinner and if I ate anything between meals. She would actually count and keep track of how much food we had (like 5 hot dogs, half a container of macaroni, etc). She would always know when food was taken, which I did a lot of when she would fall asleep at 7 or 8 PM every night. I was always so hungry, I could eat a package of cold hotdogs without flinching. At my grandma's house, I could eat whatever I wanted, and she kept a stocked kitchen. I could eat a pound of ham or turkey on two sandwiches in one sitting and like half a can of Pringles, a few sodas, and dessert would be a huge bowl of ice cream. My mom disapproved, but she couldn't say anything because it wasn't her house.

So what this means now is that I don't like sharing food if I think I'll still be hungry. When DH and I would share a pizza, I'd try to get the "bigger" half if it was cut uneven. If I got Chinese food when he wasn't home, instead of telling him I got it, in which case I would have been expected to get him some, I would get myself two dinners and hide it and not tell him (not to eat at once, but one for the next day). When I buy snacks and such, I forbid his friends from eating any of it when they come over for "movie night" every week. I hate being this way.

Anyway, those were just some thoughts I've had over the past few weeks that I just didn't have the energy to sit down and type out.

So now on to the title of this post: Recommitting. Now that I do have some restriction, it's much easier to recommit to my new lifestyle. I've been making conscious choices to stop eating before I feel stuffed. I have to trust my band that I won't be hungry when I stop eating. So far, it's worked. On Saturdays and Sundays I always make myself a nice breakfast of Egg Beaters (with cheese and meat and stuff) and buttered toast. Usually, I would have the equivalent of 3.5-4 eggs and 4 pieces of buttered toast. Yesterday and today, I had 2 eggs and 2 pieces of toast. I still put some meat and cheese in it, but less (since there's less egg). And I felt satisfied.

This is my biggest battle: learning that I can stop eating at "satisfied" instead of stuffed-full and not die. I need to learn that I'll be just fine on less food. It also means learning to enjoy the smaller amount of food instead of eating more and more because food tastes so good (another of my big problems). Last night I ate 3 pieces of pizza instead of the usual 4 (I could have stopped at 2, not sure why I ate the third piece).

The thing I like the most about having restriction is that I don't feel the need to snack. I think I only had one snack since my fill on Wednesday, and it was more because I wanted to have it, not because I was hungry. I still slip up, but hey, I'm headed in the right direction.

Another good thing happened today: I walked THREE miles! It was hot and I got sunburnt, but I had water with me and I just did it. My feet hurt a little more than usual, but I felt so good for having done it. I didn't time it exactly, but it took me roughly 1 hour 15 minutes, which is on target with my usual 2.5 mph pace. I was afraid I would slow down from getting tired going so far, but I did great!

I think the pain I was having is mostly gone. I'm so happy about my fill, I realize now that the basics of LapBand eating (small bites, chew chew chew, eat slowly) isn't just a conscious habit--you HAVE to do those things or you get stuck! It's awesome. I got stuck on mashed potatoes, of all things, but I'd much much get stuck on mushy food than be able to eat everything in sight.

I think I can still eat more than I would like, so I think I'm going to get another fill when I can. Can't wait to weigh myself sometime this week! I'm expecting good results.

Solid Food!

So I finally begged DH to let me have solid food for supper tonight. We went to Boston Market since I've been craving rotisserie chicken for weeks now. I had a bit of chicken, and about half of my mashed potatoes and stuffing. Normally I eat the whole thing. It was a conscious effort though, I didn't feel absolutely stuffed like I usually do. I wasn't real hungry though, I had drunk about half of a vanilla Nutrament shake about 2.5 hours before and it upset my stomach a bit then. I think since I wasn't hungry, I couldn't feel when I was satisfied. I chewed very well though and took my time between bites. I could feel everything go down into my stomach, but no pain and nothing got stuck.

Since my fill on Wednesday, I've been VERY gassy (both ends), thankfully it wasn't so bad that I couldn't hide it at work. Also, I've had a little bit of pain around where my band/pouch should be, it's almost constant, but seems to go away when I eat. It's not hunger pains, and from what I've read on LBT, it's just from swelling and should go away soon. I will call my doctor though if it doesn't go away in a few days.

I haven't been very thirsty though, so I haven't been getting in enough liquids. I need to try harder on that. I've been living on soup, soup, and more soup since my fill and the chicken tonight was soooo good!

I'm still going to take it very slow, because especially with the pain, I really don't want to damage myself and I want to truly feel how restricted I am or not.

You made me wait 10 weeks for this?

I was going to wait until I got home to post, but I had some time at work and I want to get this all down while it's fresh in my head.

I got my fill about 2 hours ago. I love my surgeon; I never have to fight with him if I want a bigger fill or anything. I told him that the coordinator recommended at least 3ccs, told him that I felt no change at all after the last fill, etc, so he said he'd put a few more in. But first, as always, he had to take out what was there to check the fill level...

1cc.

I was supposed to have 4ccs in my band after my last fill, and I had 1cc that he pulled back out. Everything just kind of clicked. Why I've been able to eat such huge amounts of food, why I felt absolutely nothing after my last fill, etc. I don't think it was a leak. After he said there was only 1cc in there, he said "I put 1cc in last time"--to which I promptly responded "but it was supposed to be a TOTAL of 4." I think what happened is that he meant to put in an ADDITIONAL 1cc in last time, and accidentally put ONLY 1cc back in, just based on this conversation.

So I had to wait 10 weeks to get a fill, only to find out that my lack of restriction was due to a mistake. If they would just let me get fills when I actually need them, I could have found this out 6 weeks ago instead of starving all this time. He put a total of 5cc in today, which I was afraid that he might make me build it back up slowly. So now, my highest fill has been 3ccs, and I had restriction for about 3 weeks with that, so hopefully 5 will give me some even better results. The only problem is that since he put so much in today, I have to be on liquids for a few days instead of just today. Ugh!

I'm going to schedule an appointment with him either this week or next week, since it takes 2-3 weeks to get an appt. Either way, I have to be weighed before I can get another fill. And then, if I need a fill by then, we can get it scheduled right there, and it should be a max of about 6 weeks between this fill and the next.

Usually I make a protein shake to bring to work on my fill days, but I've really gotten tired of the protein powder I use, and it never shakes up completely so there's always clumps in it. So instead, this morning I picked up a meal replacement shake. I meant to get Slim-Fast, but all the convenience store had was this one called Nutrament. Apparently, this is only available in New York and Florida, but I was really surprised; it tastes GOOD! I got the chocolate, and it didn't have the weird aftertaste that Slim-Fast has. The nutrition is a little different; Slim-Fast has 220 calories, 3g of fat, 40g of carbs, and 10g of protein. Nutrament has 360 calories, 10g of fat, 52g of carbs, and 16g of protein. Nutrament seems like it's meant more as an athletic drink, so that's why some of the bad stuff is higher, but the 16g of protein makes up for some of it. Plus, 360 calories isn't really that bad when it's your entire meal.

DH is making potato soup tonight. He always makes soup after my fills, but usually something with just a little bit of chunkiness to it so I don't feel too deprived. Since I have to be on liquids for a few days though, I'm going to blend it tonight just to be safe. I love how his soup always tastes like the best thing ever after fills :)

Two more days!

I'm anxiously awaiting my fill on Wednesday. I have a good feeling about this one.

I did get my walk in, but not as far as I had planned. Originally, I was going to stop at the trail on my way home from work. Then I decided I really wanted to spend more time with DH, so I went straight home and we were going to walk together. Well..."maritals" happened (absolutely no complaint here!) and by the time we finally got out and went for the walk, it was getting late so we only did about a mile in fear of getting stuck too far out when it was getting dark, and the trail technically closes at dusk.

We had Panera for dinner, yummy broccoli cheddar soup and half of a Smokehouse Turkey panini. The great thing about Panera is that I can never completely finish my meal, and I love that feeling.

Tomorrow is the support group, I think I'm going to try to go. It kills me though because DH is off work and I really want to spend time with him.