Willpower...Crumbling...

I did pretty good last week with my diet and food intake. Today, however, I feel like the switch has been turned off again. I'm hungry all the time and it bothers me. I mean, I was hungry last week, but I was able to work through it or ignore it. Right now I'm feeling like my body is saying "C'mon, I've been hungry for too long now, time to take a break from that diet." Then I get mad at my Lap-Band. I was hungry an hour after lunch today. Yes, I have to change the way I eat and the way I think about food, but COME ON, if the Lap-Band was working for me, I wouldn't be hungry so often and I'd feel full off less food! I'm so tired of this battle. Today when I was in the gym, I thought about just stopping. Take a break for a few days. Forget about the diet. Wait until I have some actual restriction before putting so much effort into something that I feel will just fail until I have the right tools working with me. I feel like I'm working out for no good reason right now, it sure as hell isn't showing on the scale.

Tomorrow I'm going to finally make a freaking appointment with one of the NYU doctors. I have a feeling the appointment will be quite a ways away, but I have to take the step. If I could do this on my own, diet and exercise, I wouldn't have had the surgery. And I didn't go through the surgery to fight this without any help.

Bally's again...and the pool was open!

First off: last night I realized I have these nice big scabs on the sides of my thighs were my thighs were rubbing against the heart-rate handles around the bike seat yesterday. Ouch. I knew it was hurting a bit while I was riding, but I didn't know it actually tore into the skin.

I dropped DH off at work and the gym wasn't AS busy today, which was nice. I went on the bike for 15, but after about 5 minutes, I upped the level from 4 to 6, then I realized that the reason I don't feel like I get as much of a workout on the bike is because my heartrate doesn't get really that much higher...it's around 125 when I'm just cruising along at my normal pace and level. I had to fix that! I cranked the level up to 8 after 5 more minutes at 6 and peddled my little heart out. For the last minute or two, that baby was up to 10. My heart rate went up to 140. It was great!

I did more weights today. One of the machines I like was being used by some guy so I did one of the ones I did yesterday, then I experimented a little. I did two other upper-body weight machines and one leg machine. I really want to add weights into my normal routine, I think it will help. Unfortunately, there are no leg machines at my office gym.

Then I got on the "ramp" style elliptical, but I left the incline nice and high and had the resistance on 10. I did 5 minutes on that, with the last 30 seconds as 15 resistance.

I really need to figure out why it's always my FEET that hurt when I work out. I could actually go a lot longer if my feet didn't start to kill me, whether on the bike or elliptical.

After my nice sweat-inducing workout, I got to use the pool! It was absolute heaven to get into the cool water when my body was so hot. I tried to do a few laps, but I noticed a few problems if I ever wanted to make laps a part of my regular workout: my swimsuit is NOT suitable for doing laps. My swimsuit, to be perfectly honest, doesn't fit me right. It's too small. So much goes around my hips/stomach that there isn't much left for the top. What this means is that when I'm swimming, the water wooshes into the top of my swimsuit and it the fabric goes away from my gals. I feel REALLY self-conscious and I wouldn't feel comfortable doing laps like that knowing what my swimsuit is doing without my permission. I'd have to get a new swimsuit that fits better. The other problem is my body floats too much. This should be a good thing, right? Nope. My BUTT floats. So it's hard to make a straight line out of my back; which means my face is up out of the water when I swim and that curves my back. It gives me horrible swimming posture. Plus I think I'm a little afraid of swimming with my face in the water, I always feel like I'm going to swallow water and drown or something when you lift your face sideways to breathe. Either way, it still felt great to get in the pool after working out. The whirlpool was huge, bigger than some hotel POOLS, and it felt like heaven. I just sat there for maybe 15 minutes before they shut it off to start closing up for the night. I could have stayed in there for an hour!

I need to find a gym to join to supplement my office gym. I've been toying with several different gyms around here. I like the machines they have at Bally's and I like the pool, but I don't know how much I would actually use the pool. I absolutely hate trying to dry off and get back into clothes after swimming, everything just kind of sticks to you because you don't have much time to let your body dry off completely. Plus, since they have a steam room off of the locker room, it's always kind of humid in there, which doesn't help trying to dry off. My free guest pass ends Friday, so I won't be able to go back next weekend unless I join. I'm going to talk to DH and see if he thinks the extra $15/month is worth it for a gym because of the pool, or if I'd use the pool enough to make it worth it. Plus, a friend told me that Planet Fitness doesn't have the "ramp" ellipticals. Hmm.

I love how my attitude has changed towards working out lately. I look forward to it.

I had a blast at the gym! What?

I got a 7-day free pass for Bally's and I went today. I was hoping to use the pool and hot tub after working out, but the lifeguard called in sick so the pool room was closed (which made a LOT of people mad!).

I daresay I had fun working out today. The bike had a cushioned seat and the 15 minutes flew by. The last few minutes I cranked up the level and just went all out. It was great! Then I used (dramatic pause) weights! I did three different machines--3 sets of 12 reps each. I really felt good doing weights, I felt like my upper body finally got a workout. Then I realized that I wasn't crazy--there ARE two different kind of ellipticals! I kept saying how much I love the elliptical, but the one we have at the office gym isn't fun.

Here is the kind of elliptical the office gym has(not the same model, but same concept):


And here is the one I was accustomed to and love:


I got to use the second one today, and it was great. I didn't get as exhausted but I was getting a GREAT working, sweat was just pouring down my face. It seems this one feels more like an aerobic workout instead of just killing my muscles. I was almost up to 5 minutes and decided I wasn't too tired yet, so I cranked up the incline, cranked up the resistance, and went another two minutes. I probably could have gone longer if my feet didn't hurt from my shoes.

I also asked about their personal trainer prices, but they want you to buy these huge chunks of sessions, like 36 sessions for almost $3,000 dollars! I don't have that kind of money. I finally squeezed out of him how much a single session is, which is $105. If anything, I just want a session or two to show me what I should be doing, what machines, how long, etc...I don't really need someone standing there pushing me, so having constant sessions wouldn't benefit me, plus with my husband's schedule it would be too hard to keep 3-4 scheduled sessions a week, like he said it would be.

I'm going to go back again tomorrow and hopefully use the pool, too. I don't think I'm going to get a membership, though. It's 25-30 bucks a month and I would only use it on the weekends and once in awhile if I get out of work too late. There is another gym called Planet Fitness that I could join right now for $10/month. The only difference is Bally's has a pool. However, the pool only has 2 lap lanes, and considering how many people I saw trying to get into the pool today, I think I wouldn't be able to get in on the weekends anyway. We'll see how tomorrow goes.

I feel pretty good though! I think I might suck it up and ask some of the guys who use the office gym how to use the weight machines there, I really need to work on my upper body.

I SHOULD be happy

I lost 3 pounds this week. I should be happy about this, because it's a loss, not a gain, and I need to remember that 2 pounds a week is "normal." There are a few reasons I'm not happy, though. I lost 6 pounds in one week last time I did the no snacks/sweets thing, and I wasn't even working out then. I was drinking more water this week, too. I thought I was doing things better this time. I don't know how much the Pringles last weekend sabotaged this (it wasn't just a few Pringles, it was possibly as much as 1600 calories within two days). I had two cookies this entire week. Though, I don't know how many calories they were. I'm also mad because I'm 400 pounds and I should be able to lose more than 3 pounds in a week by watching what I eat and exercising. What went wrong?

I did make it to the gym again, and the same thing happened--I was on the bike and the same two girls came in and took the ellipticals RIGHT before I was about to get on it. I'm still debating if I'll work out again tonight. I have chicken and rice casserole in the oven that won't be done until about 9 PM, and I don't feel like working out at this moment. I already worked out though, and I stepped up my biking a bit--7.5 minutes at level 4, 7.5 minutes at level 5 and making sure to stay around 60 RPM. Today my muscles didn't even get sore until the last 5 minutes and my feet were okay for just a little longer than usual. I'm getting there!

I didn't *go to the bathroom* fully before I weighed in tonight, so maybe that had something to do with it? I don't know. I'm back down to 408 again, so I can't even change my ticker yet. I think there may be something wrong with my scale though, not to make excuses (because it could just as easily be telling me I lost more weight than I did), but the second time I got on it tonight (I do it in two different rooms because the floors aren't quite even in my bedroom), it didn't even stabilize at a number before turning off--while I was still standing on it. Normally it stabilizes, stays at that number for 10 seconds while I get off, then goes back to zero, then shuts off. Hmm. I think I might see if I can pop into my doctor's office just to get weighed every few weeks to keep a more solid record.

That Was An Interesting Day

It is REALLY hard for me to drink a lot of water at work. Around 3 I start to chug gulps here and there--usually 30 of my 40 "work" oz come between 2:30 and 5.

I had a nice chat with a coworker who works from home in Colorado about diet and exercise. I just mentioned that I have the Lap-Band, but it's not really working for me right now, so if I want the results, I have to do it myself. I don't know why, but just saying it this way, admitting that my Lap-Band is not helping me at all right now, just sent me on a roller coaster of emotions:

I'm very proud of myself for taking it into my own hands and eating better and exercising every single day. It's getting easier not to see it as a "diet" but as something I can live with.

I'm angry. I'm so angry that I had surgery and took a huge step to improve my health, and it's not working. IT'S NOT WORKING. Yes, yes, you have to work "with" your band, you still have to make healthy choices, yadda yadda yadda. Honestly, I didn't get to be this big by eating fast food and junk food and drinking soda all the time. It's because I just ate HUGE amounts of "regular" food. I NEED the portion control. If I don't feel full after a meal, I will absolutely be picking and snacking between meals. My body just doesn't understand that just because I'm not "full" doesn't mean that I have to keep eating until I am. Yes, it's also mental. But I want to be full off less food. If I could do this by myself, I wouldn't have gotten the Lap-Band. I'm also mad at myself that I'm stuck in a program that I'm starting to think is more at home with bypass than the Lap-Band. It's easy to just tell bypass patients that after their surgery, it really is about what you eat. With the Lap-Band though, it takes FILLS to get to the same state that a bypass patient is in! SO GIVE ME MY DAMN FILLS!

I'm scared. I'm scared shitless that my Lap-Band will never work. It happens. I've seen a few people on LBT that it just never works for them and they end up having RNY instead. I don't want to be one of those people.

I'm jealous of people who the Lap-Band works for from Day 1. I know many people from LBT that never exercised and 100 pounds just came off. It's definitely not the norm, but it happens. Just in my June surgery group, a lot of people have lost 100 pounds already, or close to it. I'm 400 pounds, I should have lost weight faster than any of them.

I feel useless. I know all of these things that I'm supposed to have to do with my Lap-Band: eat slowly, chew chew chew, eat protein first in case you get full before you get to the rest of the food, take a multi-vitamin because you aren't getting all the nutrients from your small amount of food. I don't need to do any of those. I haven't had a PB since about the first month of my surgery. Is it weird that now I wish I would have one, just to know my band is working?

In other news, the gym was strange tonight. I was on the bike and I did a little harder routine on the bike (one of the programmed ones, where it changes the resistance at certain points) and I also noticed I was going a lot faster without realizing it! I normally go about 50 RPM, today was anywhere between 60-70, and the 70 was closer to the end when I was sore! Two girls came in and took both of the ellipticals, so I couldn't do that tonight. My feet were really sore from my shoes, so I knew I couldn't go another 5 minutes on the bike. Instead, I cranked the resistance up a few more notches and went all out for a full minute. I was really proud of myself.

When I went back to the locker room and sat down, after a few minutes, I didn't even feel like I worked out. No soreness, I wasn't waddling like most nights, and I wasn't sweating as bad. The elliptical really makes me work harder than I realized and it makes me feel like I actually accomplished something.

I was a little perturbed about the elliptical when I got home, so I did a mile of Walk Away The Pounds while my dinner was in the oven. Yep! I earned two stickers in one day :)

Tomorrow is my weigh-in day...wish me luck!

Boooo on Chocolate-dipped Chocolate Chip Cookies

I did good today, no snacks, worked out, tried to drink a lot of water... (I think I'm at about 35-40 oz, going to try to make up the rest before bed). Then we stopped at the grocery store after I picked up DH from work. Again, I was doing really well, got some veggies, calorie free/fat free Ranch dressing (! - even the lowest fat-free Ranch I've seen had 30 calories). Then, we went past the bakery, I saw my strawberry shortcake, only stared for a minute, the moved on. On the way out of the bakery section, I saw a big tub of 20 chocolate chip cookies...that were half-dipped in chocolate. I showed DH, just because I had never seen them before, and then I was ready to move on. He flipped a coin and put them in the cart. He said he's going to count them to make sure I don't binge, but I won't anyway, I KNOW I have enough willpower now. I did have one, and just one. It wasn't as great as I was hoping, so now I really know I won't be eating more than one a day, if even that.

The week is going so slooow, I want Friday to come so I can weigh in and see if my no-snack, no-sweet week is paying off as much as it did last time (I lost 6 pounds about 3 weeks ago when I tried this).

Uggggh...Sore

I'm definitely not feeling any restriction. Now that I'm consciously not snacking, I'm hungry a lot more. I was starving by lunchtime today, I had oatmeal for breakfast. I was hungry last night around 10 PM, after I had a pretty big dinner. I think some of it is mental, that I just WANT to eat something, not that my body is really hungry (but it was hunger at lunch today).

I got stuck doing some extra stuff at work before I had to leave so I was afraid I wouldn't get to the gym. I hauled ass though and got out in time to get in before the door locked. About 5 minutes into the bike, my thighs were killing me and I seriously thought about stopping early and going home. I kept saying "okay, 5 more minutes and I'll stop" and I just kept saying that until I got through the 15 minutes. The elliptical seems like it's getting a LITTLE easier, but I'm still exhausted by the end of my 5 minutes. I want to try doing it before the bike so I'm not so tired and sore already, but then I don't think I'd have any energy left for the bike at all.

I'm proud of myself though--a few months ago, I would have made excuses to either skip the gym or purposely stay late at work to miss it, now I really push myself to get out on time so I can make it down there.