Pain...

I really need to get out of the habit of eating more food just because it tastes good. I can NOT have second helpings anymore. So far, EVERY time I have had more to eat than I KNOW I should have, I get really bad stomach aches. It's my own fault. Like tonight, I made a few filets of fish and some mashed potatoes. I only meant to eat 1 filet and a little bit of potatoes, but I had 2 full filets and way more potatoes than I absolutely should have. I feel like crap right now, both physically and mentally.

Yesterday was even worse. We went to a friend's house for the 4th of July and they had barbecued some stuff up. For lunch, I had a burger (with bun), some mashed potatoes, and 1/2 of a hotdog. Too much. 3 brownies for snack, which I didn't like that much anyway. Then dinner, 2 hotdogs and more mashed potatoes. Not to mention that I'm still technically on my mushy diet, but my fiance and I agreed as long as I chewed really well, I could enjoy the holiday. I'm scared of the scale now, come Wednesday. Why why why do I keep doing this? I WANT to lose weight, why is food so much more important to me than being thin and healthy and not in pain? I don't get it. I'm tired of this. I think it's hard because I never know how much I can eat and how little will make me hungry in an hour.

I still don't regret my band, but damn, I want to get to a comfortable point where I know how much I should eat and that I won't be hungry OR overfull.