Getting Ready For Surgery And Accepting Things

I get my Lap-Band exactly one month from tomorrow. Now that I finally have a date, I'm actually getting nervous. I'm not afraid of the surgery itself or recovery or anything; what I am afraid of is What if it doesn't work? What if I go through all of this, spend about $1000 in this process, and it just doesn't work? Yes, yes, I know the Lap-Band is a tool, not a miracle, and you have to work with it, but I've never been able to maintain weight loss, much less ever get to a normal weight. I know I have some unrealistic expectation, or really, I don't realize just how much I have to lose. I have to lose almost 300 pounds to get to a "normal" BMI. 300 pounds. I want to be able to at least wear a size 24 again, so I can actually buy non-stretchy clothes in a store, but I know that the last time I could comfortably wear, say, a size 24 pair of jeans, I weighed about 290. So I have to lose 150 pounds before I can even wear normal PLUS SIZE clothing! How on earth did I let my weight get so out of control? I've never had this self-hatred of my body like a lot of overweight people do, I've always been pretty comfortable with myself. I guess it takes the possibility of actually losing weight to realize just how much I have to lose. My grandfather used to weigh about 350 years ago (before getting put in a nursing home) and everyone in my family thought he was huge. My mother has no idea how much I weigh, and I think she'd literally have a panic attack if she knew. Granted, I think I carry my weight well. I have no concept of how big I look, but I imagine that just because of my distribution, I probably don't like too much over 300-350. But again, that's me, and that also hearkens back to the post I made about thinking I look smaller than I do in pictures.

So one of the things I really wanted to post about here is that I found a workout that I can do without too much exhaustion, no back pain, and fairly enjoyable: someone on LapBandTalk recommended Leslie Sansone's "Walk Away The Pounds" video series as exercise for very overweight bandsters. I downloaded a few programs and WOW, it's awesome! It's basically walking in place and adding side-steps, knee lifts, and small kicks in with it. It's simple movements, I can keep up, it doesn't wear me out too much, but I still feel like I got a good workout afterwards. When I pushed myself to step out further, use my arms more, etc. last night, I was sweating, panting, and truly felt that good workout exhaustion afterwards. It's split up into "miles" - how many steps and such it would take to walk a mile and she tells you when you've hit the mile markers. So far, I've been able to do a mile and a little more. I like that I have more that I can work up to (one of the programs goes to 4 miles) and it will help me get past the "too big to workout" hump once I start losing weight and then I can actually use the gym at my job.

As I'm mentally preparing myself for surgery, I've finally accepted something that I've been achingly holding out on regarding the Lap-Band. In the back of my head, I knew this was going to happen, but it finally hit me. On LapBandTalk, another of my fellow bigger-than-average bandsters said the following: The one thing I will say is don't go in to it thinking you can eat anything you want - just less of it. I heard that a lot starting out and it does work to a point. BUT if you continue to eat high calorie foods, you can't continue to lose weight it is simple science. As much as I didn't want this to be a diet it is or at least it is for me. When my dietician told me that my program does not allow rice, potatoes, pasta, and sugar, I KNEW I wasn't going to follow that. I can't, it's impossible. Besides, rice and potatoes, prepared correctly, are supposed to be healthy foods. I'm not a carb addict like they actually say that obese people are, but if I deny myself something for too long rather than just eat it in moderation, I'll binge horribly. Now, the last few months I kept telling Matt that I would still eat what I want, and yes, just less of it. But...I have 300 pounds to lose. I'm not going to lose it by eating bad foods. I DO NOT want to be on a diet for the next few years, and I refuse to. Diets don't work for me. If diets did work, I wouldn't be here. So here is what I've accepted of myself, and I think it's a fair compromise: I will eat what I want, just less of it, BUT I will also make healthier choices when I can. Like switching ground turkey for ground beef, using low sodium cream soups in my casseroles, finding seasonings with less sodium (if I keep using Adobo, I will stay a blimp, the amount of sodium in it is HUGE--by the way, anyone know of a Low Sodium Adobo or where I can get it?) If I insist on sweets, I found these Weight Watchers desserts. I can eat what I like and still lose weight if I'm just making an effort to eat healthier. I know Matt won't mind if I make little adjustments to my recipes. I can still bake for him when I want to, I know I can control myself and not eat 5 or 6 cookies (like I did today after baking sour cream cookies). I KNOW when I'm about to eat something I shouldn't and I make the conscious choice to eat it anyway.

Okay, amendment #1: Last Supper Syndrome ends TODAY. I've been purposely eating things I shouldn't be just because I still can. No more.

Amendment #2: I need to work out more often than just when Matt isn't home. I know he won't make fun of me, so what am I afraid of?

Sorry for the rant, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and needed to get it out! My darling furbaby Dusty just jumped up on me so I need to go attend to his every whim and then I'm going to work out again!